We made it!

If you have been around my dear Hudsy boy in recent months you have most likely heard him exclaim, "We made it!," as he greets you.

It's his new thing.

We got off the airplane,  "We made it!!"

We pull up to a grocery store, "We made it!!"

We pull into our garage,  "We made it!!"

We drive up to anyone's driveway,  "We made it!!"

We walk up to the playground, and goodness gracious,  "We made it!!!!!"

We've had a long few months of transition, and we are still in the midst of it all, really. The home we're staying in is not our own, and we should be shifting into our rental in the next couple of weeks, if all goes according to plan. Until then we have a LOT of shopping to do, with limited funds in a very expensive country, and thankfully, since we only came with suitcases of clothes and such, not too much packing at all! Should be fun! 

Hudson's little phrase started while we were on our big long road trip in the States, everytime we'd hop in the car we'd let him know where we were going. And everytime we'd stop (food,

gas, or the real thing) he'd proclaim, "I'm hoooome!" It broke our hearts a little bit each time. He seemed to be longing for a home as much as we were. Overtime, and after having to hear us explain that, indeed we weren't home yet but that we'd be home soon, he changed his little exclamation to a little less specific, "we made it!" He's growing up so fast, and really starting to understand so much. It's so wild to me that I can look him in the eyes, explain something, and actually get a positive response, with proof of comprehension shortly thereafter. Kids are amazing, seriously. 

Anyways, it's pretty crazy that we've already been here a month. It just doesn't seem possible. And yet, somehow, it has also felt LONGER than just a month. You know, that whole two-extremes-at-once dichotomy that is my life, haha.   

We're enjoying life here and loving being close to family. It's the first time in our short marriage we have lived near family, and boy, are they close. Quite literally, nearly everyone is only a two minute drive away. We could leave our driveway, turn any direction and be at someone's home in less time than it takes to listen to a Coldplay song. It's awesome! Just the other day, I was walking home from my new favorite grocery store (Bin Inn, holla!) and waved down Serena while she was taking her kids home from school, and minutes after we arrived home Nana and Jessica pop in for a quick little visit. That's what you do here, pop in, no notice, no call ahead! Its wild. And guess what else? People genuinely don't care if your house is cleaned up or not, they just want to see you. They're popping in to say hello, possibly have a hot drink if you've the time to sit down and chat, and then they're off to get along with their day. I love it! A little part of me still gets anxiety whenever I see someone pull up and my house is less than perfect (ahem, two tiny tornadoes live here) but either way, I really love the laid back nature of Kiwi life. I definitely think I could get used to this.

After all, we've made it, right?

Until next time-

Cheers, love and French Press coffee. 

So, it's tomorrow.

The day I am leaving my home country.

The day we board a plane with nothing but our suitcases to claim as our own. 

Tomorrow is the day we have been waiting for, preparing for and stressing over.

The day I walk away from 4th of July celebrations and Thanksgiving to adapt to a new culture, with new holidays. 

Tomorrow is the day a new chapter begins.

{our last glimpse of NYC *sigh*}

Kinda poetic, isn't it? I like to think so. 

I'm genuinely struggling to find words for this current state of our lives. It's a bit bizzare, absurd almost. There has been a whirlwind of decisions, planning, travel and packing (and repacking, and repacking, and repacking etc) since March 24 and there are no clear indications of when the whirlwind will slow. 

In the same swift manner we got the job that took us to New York we lost it. Out of nowhere, with no warning and no severance to speak of. It came as quite a shock but there definitely was some peace that came alongside it. We have always known we were not meant to live in New York forever and we never quite knew how we'd transition away from the job and home. And as always, God had a plan all along. 

It didn't take long for the moving talk to begin. With the cost of living being so high in NYC we knew we couldn't last more than a couple months on what we had saved up. And the likelihood of Nic or I finding a lucrative job quickly enough seemed pretty low. So, where to go? 

We talked about Cali, we talked about Texas, we talked about KC, we even talked about New Mexico or Colorado. None seemed to be promising on the job front. So we started discussing New Zealand. With Nic's family and friend connections we knew a job couldn't be too difficult to come by, not to mention the fact that Nic has been talking about moving home since I've met him. It just made sense. We immediately started making phone calls, asking questions and sorting out plans. We were gonna do it. 

Little did I know, it would involve some of the toughest things I think I am yet to endure... selling EVERYTHING and saying goodbye to some of the best friends I've ever had, and leaving my children's first best friends. My heart has been heavy for so many weeks. I can't even express the grief that came from leaving our little corner of East Harlem, our shoebox in Manhattan. It was my little tiny world. My safe place. It kept us safe from Sandy, housed two wonderful (and HUGE!) Thanksgiving meals and a gender reveal party, welcomed our second beautiful baby, rested our weary bones after hours of walking the busy streets, housed guests and friends and late night coffee and tea dates, early morning play dates, brunches and brinners and family dinners. It had the perfect floor space for dancing to Frank Sinatra in the kicthen, Hudson's first steps in the living room and Charlotte's first crawls throughout the home. The couch served as a prime spot for movie nights, sick day cartoons, snuggles and cuddles- the perfect height to teach Hudson to race his HotWheels and Charlotte to cruise. Our bedroom was my safe haven with a big cozy bed that fit all 4 of us with ease. And the comically teeny excuse of a second bedroom is where Hudson learned to sleep in a big boy bed, share his toys with his sister and friends, read countless books and spent many nights staring at the Dino Glow lights on his ceiling.  There my heart remains. 

I've left a little piece of my heart in all of our homes. That's honestly one of the most beautiful (albeit painful) parts about moving around. With every home we settle down in and make our own, we grow roots. Wether we intend to or not. And when we leave that place, just like an uprooted tree, we can't help but leave a little bit of ourselves behind.

I find peace and comfort knowing that bits and pieces of my family are spread out all over Manhattan. From strangers who purchased our things at a stoop sale, to friends we gave things to and families who will find our things in second hand stores. Precious books, furniture, kitchen items, wedding gifts, toys, meaningful things with special stories.. All belonging to someone else now.

And so, we move on. We've spent the better part of the last month traveling around to spend time with family and friends before we embark on this journey half way around the world. Nic thought it just wouldn't be right to take me from my home without giving me a chance to get some good hugs in. I am so so thankful. My phone is now bursting at the seams with photos and my heart is full of love. 

To everyone who took time out of their busy schedules, made time for my little family, and made it a priority to see us: Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. You will never know how much it means to me. I feel so blessed to have such incredible family and friends in my life. 

And even to those who were unable to: I love you, and I can't wait for the time that we will be able to spend together in the future.

It's tomorrow. 

And I think I'm ready.

"My presence will go with you and I will give you rest." Exodus 33:14

 

Change is a' comin'

Who has two thumbs and has barely had time to think, much less write a blog post  these days?

This girl.

Life. It's an amazing thing, isn't it? 

Always ebbing. Changing. Moving. Flowing. Pushing forward, granting us only the choice to accept and glide along or push back and fight the inevitable change. 

Change. It's coming fast.

And no, it isn't another baby (that I'm aware of.)

10 Easy Steps On How To Potty Train Your Two Year Old Son:

Nah, I'm just kidding. But hey, guess what?

I only have to buy diapers for my baby girl these days!! Our Toddler Man, Hud the Stud, has said goodbye to the diaper days and moved onto bigger and better things. 

I assure you, it did not come easily. 

And it didn't happen overnight.

And it sucked. Hard.

And to be totally honest, we're still working on it. 

Who knew getting a kid to use a toilet would be so tough?! No one told me that when I signed up for this whole parenting gig. 

We tried a few different versions of a few different methods, started and failed, took a break, tried again, took a longer break and then came back to it at the beginning of December. And honestly, it all spawned from a good kick in the rear and some encouragement while talking with my good friend who'd had success training her twin girls that are about the same age as Hudson. I literally got off the phone with her that afternoon, stripped Hud's diaper off, packed away the rest of them and said, "that's it, wee man! We're doing this!" Surprisingly, we actually had some pretty good progress before our trip and I was hopeful that we'd be able to keep it up but the break from usual routine and being away from home caused our potty-train to sort of derail (har har).. I'm pretty sure he spent the better part of those 3 weeks in a Pull-Up but I digress. 

We picked right back up when we came home and I am glad to say, a few weeks later, that we have finally succeeded. 

Granted, there's still the occasional accident, and random rebel from potty time and I feel like that's to be expected this early on in the game with him still technically on the "young" side for potty training. But who knows, maybe I'm just tooting our horn a little too early.. Quite frankly, I don't care. 

I have no secrets to share, nor fool proof methods to divulge.. But I will say, oh my word, the headache, the endless mess, the frustration- it has been worth it. And I am so glad to be moving forward. I'm sure there are plenty of great excuses in favor of the waiting game, but I haven't changed the kids diaper in about 2 months and it feels GREAT. 

I have, however, cleaned crap off my floor, the toilet, his hands, my hands, the bathtub, his legs, etc and done more "bathtub laundry" to clean peed on nundies and pants than I can express. So. There's that. 

Step one: just do it.

Step two: don't give up.

Step three: no really, don't give up.

Step four: I see that look in your eye, you wanna give up, and really, you could... No one would think less of you.. But don't.

Step five: oh hey, look at that. There's a little light at the end of the tunnel, keep going.

Step six: hardcore regression.

Step seven: okay, it's past the point of frustrating and quite possibly the most infuriating thing you've ever dealt with... But it's gonna be alright, keep pressing forward. 

Step eight: make him help clean the crap off his clothes. See how much he likes THAT.

Step nine: he hates it.

Step ten: sweet victory.  Sort of.

{... Yeah, he's gonna hate me for this one day... But that's what parents are for right? Embarrassing you and documenting milestone moments?? You're welcome, kid ;) }

Valentine's Date

We have some pretty amazing friends out here, let me tell you.

We feel so blessed. 

For Christmas we were gifted with some tickets to the opera for Valentine's Day along with a promise of free babysitters for the night from our beloved Kennedy's. I just can't even express our joy for having such fantastic people here to be living life with. They take every opportunity to bless us and I can only hope that we are reciprocating even half  of the love they've poured out on us while we have been here.

They have played such an important roll in our stay here, truly filling some of the "family" void  in our lives since we all are lacking in that department in NYC. We take every chance to explore the East Coast together, and hang out to talk, share, joke.. It's so fulfilling. Truly. We typically all get together on Saturday nights for brinner and games.. It's become a bit of a tradition and I love it! We are so thankful for their friendship/familyship!

Anyways, they gifted us this fantastic evening, and we had a blast. Dinner at a fancy pants restaurant, and the opera... Hudson even managed to sustain his first bit of a head injury while we were gone and Alee handled it like a pro! Sent us pics, gave us a play by play and we were able to decide that he was a-okay, no stitches needed, and we could continue on with our evening. We came home before the opera ended, though.. It was a 4 hour production and neither of us were too confident in our abilities to stay awake throughout the rest of the show. Haha, we headed home and spent a few hours hanging with Tyson and Alee and watching the Winter Olympics together. We love our friends.

Just your average, run of the mill, Mom story.

I'd like to paint a picture for you. 

It's a Thursday night. We've been indoors all day because of arctic temperatures outside that I'm simply not willing to endure. Nic is working late. It's just after dinner time and the house is a wreck. 

I take a look around the dirty house and think, bathtime. Bathtime will flow perfectly into bedtime, which will flow into mommy clean up time, which can then smoothly transition to relax time, maybe work out, watch a movie, wait for my honey. 

What. A. Perfect. Plan.

I get Charlotte cleaned up while Hudson is climbing all over me begging to get in, and "helping" with the whole bathing an infant process. I don't typically do their baths separately but decided it would be a little easier to manage since I was home alone and could use the time that Hud bathed alone to get Charlotte ready for bed. I had it all mapped out in my head, so his pleas for diving in were met with calm responses like, "No, my honey. Let's be patient, alright? First we will wash baby and then you can get in with your cars and toys. Aren't you excited to get a bath all by yourself?! You're such a big boy!"

Anyways, I make the transition of moving the big kid in and taking my tiny one out. I start to fill up the tub with more warm water, wrap Lottie in her pink owl towel and carry her off to get diapered and dressed while she coos and kicks like a dream. I hear some unusual sounds coming from the bathroom so I call out, "Huuudson, what are you doing buddy!? I need you to stop that, alright. Momma's coming. I'll be right there." I snap up Charlotte's pjs in record time, get her in a safe spot surrounded by her toys and rush to the bathroom where my suspicions were confirmed. Hudson had been filling cup after cup of water from the spout and dumping it straight to the floor.

Awesome.

I scold him briefly and let him know that is not okay, accidental splashes are alright but purposefully pouring water out is not allowed. "It could be dangerous, okay bud?" Shut off the water, give a few more toys, and rudely try to mop up some of the water. 

"That's okay, not a big deal. That won't take but a couple minutes to clean up later. Gotta keep getting Charlotte ready for bed." 

I head back to the living room where my angel is sitting there playing with her feet, chewing on her hand and looking up at me like dinner had just arrived. 

We settle in on the couch for a pre-bedtime nursing sesh, all while, of course, keeping an ear out for my toddler in the other room, splishin and splashin and racing his cars. 

And then. Maybe not even 3 minutes later.

Chaos strikes.

Hudson starts calling for me, not in a normal playful sort of manner, in his hurt sounding voice. I'm thinking he must have his fingers caught in something or.. Who knows. Doesn't matter. I can't just sit here. 

I pull the sleepy baby off of me and lay her down amongst her toys once more- she of course, is not too happy about this.. So she starts yelling but I can't delay, I kiss her lil head, tell her I'm sorry- I must get to Hud who is now screaming at the top of his lungs. I come around the corner to him standing in the tub (always a no-no) rubbing his eyes and crying. My eyes immediately go straight to a floating bar of soap and I know what's happened. 

I turn the water on and start using my hand to cup the water and splash it in his face to flush his eyes out. This kid already hates having water poured on his head, when it comes to bathtime and washing his hair, but now that there's soap in his eyes? I've just become his worst enemy. Even more than the soap in his eyes, apparently, because he keeps pushing me away, rubbing harder and harder, to the point that there's now a thick lather going on from his hairline to his cheek bones. 

Alright, kid. What the heck. 

Now I'm starting to get a little frantic: I'm  thinking he's going to go blind if I don't get this dang soap out of his eyes, he needs to not be flailing while standing in the bathtub and oh by the way, my baby is still crying in the other room and from the sounds of that thud just rolled herself onto or knocked herself into something and I need to rescue her stat. Leaving me no other real choice, I grab the cup he'd earlier been using to dump wate out of the tub with and start to dump water down his face and hands to get rid of what has to be THE foamiest soap I have ever dealt with. 4, 5, 6 huge cups full of water and it finally rinses clean, but he's still screaming at the top of his lungs.

I pull him out of the tub, onto the soaked bathrug, wrap him in his towel and dry his face off. "Are you alright, bud? Are your eyes still burning? No?? Okay, I gotta go get your sister." I sit him down on the toilet seat and run out.

Or shall I say, slip and slide out. 

Wet feet, meet dry floor. Oh, you two don't work well together? That's too bad. Crash, bang, boom. Mom's out for the count. 

Awesome.

But wait, my baby is still crying. Gotta get  up, gotta go get her!! I stumble into the living room and scoop her up with my now throbbing wrist and try to console her poor little hot body, with BRIGHT red face- the girl screamed herself into quite a fit of rage. And yet, not a second after I have her in my arms, she starts giggling. Why? Cause Hudson just struted out of the bathroom. 

And apparently shark towels are hilarious.

Woosah.  

Today.

Today has been a lot of things. 

Easy, unfortunately, has not been one of them. 

It's been a cross between frustration from potty training struggles and toddler rearing, insane sleep deprivation from infant care, and absolute heartache because my babies... They're growing up so fast. It's so cliché but it's becoming more and more real to me with every passing day.

It first struck me when Charlotte woke from her first nap this morning. We had the Businelle boys over for some playtime and I could hear her stirring, so I got the boys all distracted in the living room and I walked into the kid's room to find her laying in her crib giggling and grinning from ear to ear like she'd been excitedly awaiting my arrival. I picked her up and she immediately grabbed my face, and hugged it, slobbering all over.. My heart broke, just a teensy bit. This little girl, this joyful little being isn't a newborn anymore! She's nearly reached her 1/2 year mark and I am still trying to desperately cling to her little bitty baby moments. She's well on her way to mobility, sitting up, gets herself onto all fours, rolls across our living room, and scoots to get to what she wants.. I found myself tearing up as I walked her into our bedroom and stood in front of the mirror with her while she smiled back at herself.

These precious moments are but a blink. And then they're gone. It's unbelievable. It's wonderful. Devastatingly wonderful.

Then the rest of the day happened and I found myself totally and utterly frustrated, and unhappy. It's pathetic how quickly everything can take a turn for the worse. 

I fail, so miserably, every day. And my children get to witness it firsthand. Day in and day out, I get it all so wrong. Every night almost always ends with me vowing that tomorrow, somehow, I'll get it all right. Tomorrow, somehow, will be better. I'll be that perfect mom. I'll be that perfect wife. I'll be perfect. 

I found myself sitting next to Hudson tonight as he struggled to get to sleep, holding his hand, patting his chest, silently just staring at his sweet face. He's  two. Two whole years of this wonderful little man in my life and I still manage to forget to tell him how amazing he is. I went in upset with him, because he didn't nap today and was fighting sleep so heavily tonight I couldn't hardly stand it anymore. I wanted to snap at him, tell him he was being naughty and that he needed to close his eyes and go. to. sleep. But I took one look at his sweet little face, eyes swollen from exhaustion, full of tears, and my heart broke. He's only two. He's just as frustrated as I. Sleep isn't coming easy and it's painful. He needs me. Plain and simple. 

I turned on his little Dino glow light, and sat down next to his bed. Simmering down from my frustrated state to try and help him also calm down. I patted his chest, let out a sigh, and he followed suit. 

We just sat. I stared at him. He stared at the lights on the ceiling.

We have my old iPod hooked up to a little speaker set in their room to play worship music while they sleep, sometimes all day long.. Quite frankly, it's more for my sake than theirs.  But tonight, while I sat in there with him a  song came on that just broke me.. I cried. I couldn't help it. 

{Hide me now

Under your wings

Cover me

Within Your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar

I will soar with You above the storm

Father, You are King over the flood

I will be still, know You are God

Find rest, my soul

In Christ alone

Know His power 

In quietness and trust 

When the oceans rise and thunders roar

I will soar with You above the storm

Father, You are King over the flood

I will be still, know You are God}

Ah, Hillsong, you've done it again. Worded something beautifully and melodically. Something my heart can cling to and sing along to even when my mouth cannot utter a word. Why does it take a worship song to remind me that I can't do it on my own?! How many times am I gonna have to tell myself that before it gets through this thick skull?

Not by MY power or strength or drive. No, beloved, in Christ alone. 

Today has been a tough one. But it is not the whole story. 

Today, I failed. A lot. But it is not who I am.

Today broke my heart. But it is not the end of my story.

Find rest, my soul, in Christ alone.