I have so much to say, so little desire to say it and yet all the desire in the world to get it OFF MY CHEST.
I can't really tell which way is up right now. My head is spinning.
Here goes nothing...
To start things off, I suppose I could say hello. Its been a while, no? Life has been nonstop for me in these past months. The only reason my Facebook and Twitter get updated is because I can do all of that from my handy dandy cell phone. And this, this fun blog, must only be updated from my laptop. Which the time I spend on it has become increasingly low. I'm sure that it will pick up once I am at FMA.
Since leaving (er, getting booted from) Saxbys, I have been working a VERY part-time job for an Allstate agent. All my job entails is driving around Albuquerque on various "routes" dropping off brochures and candy in hopes that my smiling face and ever-so-thought-out words would persuade them to purchase some sort of insurance from my boss. Mind you, I wasn't even making enough to cover my rent sooo maxed out credit cards? Yeah, I have 2. Anyways, Tuesday morning I went into work to staple business cards, arrange candy and gummi bears, you know, my usual and BAM my boss "pulled the plug on my position." Woooo. Awesome. Wasn't all that shocked... I just expect these sorts of things now-a-days.
I really don't want this to be an angry or a sad post- but I can see that's what it is turning into. I wish I were in one of my perky, look on the bright side, kind of moods.. but I'm really not. I'll try, though, really, I will. I don't know what has brought on this, unfortunately, melancholy attitude but I am certainly sure of one thing- I already have a solution to this sadness- its just the waiting part that I am struggling with. I guess I lied though, I do know what spurred my sudden drop in cheerfulness I just really, REALLY don't want to get into it that...Its not worth the energy and definitely not worth your time. And we're only scratching the surface of all I have to say. If you're looking for a pick me up- move on.
Speaking of moving on- who's ready to get the heck out of Albuquerque?! Oh, yeah!! That's me!
Albuquerque has been good to me, no doubt, but it is time for me to leave. It's all the same. I see all the same things. I go to all the same places. Most things remind me of people or experiences that I am more than ready to leave behind, not forget, just move on from. I am just so done with the redundancy, I have gotten everything that I possibly can out of this city. I need newness, freshness, purity... None of those things are here anymore. And I certainly don't want to take the time to find them.
I have spent the better part of 7 years trying to make new friends, keep current friends happy, and leave the ones that are better left behind. The latter has always been very hard for me... And I'm afriad that no matter how adamant I am about just "walking away," and leaving the past behind, part of me will still always want to try to make it seem like theres a chance, part of me will always want to send that one little text to see if they wanna talk, or hang out next time I'm in town. I just dont get it.
What is so hard about keeping in touch? Why is it nearly impossible to keep in contact with friends that you don't see every single day? I am sometimes AMAZED by the few people I wind up being in touch with. Is it just me? Am I the only one who struggles with this?! I am so sick of one-sided friendships! You know what I'm talkling about- the friend who only calls when they need a favor, a phone number, a ride. The friend who suddenly appears back into your life when your significant other is in town. Then there's the friend that you text and call and send emails to and guess what? YOU'RE the only one putting forth any effort to be in touch, to hang out, to spend time. It kills me. There must be something fundamentaly unlikeable about me or something because some people seem to avoid me like the plague. Do I smell? Is that it?
Here's another couple questions: Is this what I have to look forward to in KC or is it just the friends I have here?! Like- is this how people are everywhere? Maybe I just expect too much out of people, out of friends. Maybe I should just expect that the only people I will be in close communication with is my family. (Again includes Mullaney's, Hopkins, Mandi and Catie) Maybe I am the one to blame- maybe I am some terrible excuse for a friend and I've had it all wrong all along.
Or maybe God really is just trying to give me an easier excuse to LET GO and MOVE ON, I am afterall, moving because He made it possible. He opened the doors...
I don't know. I am just so bummed about all of it, really. I guess all I can say is good riddance to ya.
And then there's Jake. Augh.
I hope other couples go through this cause if not then we could be in for some trouble but...I don't know what it is- we go through "phases." One phase could be wanting to spend every moment together and being super sweet and loving 24/7 to the next phase which is bugging the hell out of each other. We were having like THE best relationship ever- up until my last visit to Kansas. And now- I am so frustrated by him. I figured once summer came and we weren't so stressed and we could spend some "quality" time together everything would work itself out but no. I am just finding myself closer and closer to the verge of tears at almost all hours of the day. And most of it would probably go away if I could actually TALK about what I am upset about the MOMENT I get bugged because then, in his wonderful Jake way, he could explain it all away and I'd be fine. But I have this stupid way of needing to think things through and rationalize and by the time I have thought it all through its been so long since it happened he'd think I was crazy for bringing it up. *sigh* I just might cry now. Ugh.
And then there's always my biggest fear. That horrible insecurity that I just can't shake that always seems to catch me by the throat and take hold for as long as I can stand it. Why do I do this? Its like self-sabotage. No joke. I know its crazy. I know its irrational. But then- then I have a moment where I convince myself that its my "woman intuition" and that I am totally right. Only I don't want to be right because that would absolutely crush my very being... You know what I mean? No? Sorry... I'm kinda all over the place.
Oh and to top it ALL off- I keep telling myself that I HAVE to trust God completely. I HAVE to let Him be in control. I HAVE GOT TO LEARN TO LET THE LITTLE THINGS GO. Why can't I do that? Why is it so hard for me? It stresses me out that I get so stressed out about things that I shouldn't even be worrying about. And then guess what? I'm so stressed that I pull at my own hair. Literally! Not even kidding. I don't even notice that I do it most of the time! I've been so stressed out about potential nothings for so long that I'm getting bald spots! WTF?! How! Why! I just hate this! I don't know how to stop either. Do they have pills for people who are complete messes and are balding because of their own dumbness? Maybe a shampoo? I don't know. Lord, help me.
I feel like crying and screaming and pounding something really hard.
Sheesh. I should get a grip, huh?
Hug? Please? Someone??
