Papa's Got A Brand New Bag

Ok, more like Kristin's got a brand new life. :)

And it is absolutely wonderful.

I feel like I fit into these "wife" shoes even more perfectly than I thought I was fitting into my "girlfriend" shoes and then the "fiancée" shoes. It is the most amazing feeling I think I have ever felt. It's only been like 35 days and I know we still are very much so in the "honeymoon" phase but call me crazy.. I think this thing we've got going here is what people should make movies about :) Haha. Cheeeeseball. But true. I know there will be times that get to be tough in the future but I know one thing for sure- my husband is amazing. :)

Already in this short period of time he has made me feel more loved and taken care of than I can ever remember feeling! He surprised me with an extended Honeymoon right after the wedding! He got the WHOLE week off of work rather than just a couple days like we had thought.. and then even set up an entire week in Vegas. Complete with lux hotel accommodations (suite at Caesar's Palace), limo pick up from the airport, 2 amazing shows and a Thanksgiving meal at the Eiffel Tower restaurant. Talk about celebrity treatment! That's what we had the whole time we were there.. He surprised me so much!! It was so much fun! He treats me like a Queen (although he calls me his princess :) haha) and I am soo undeserving. I just hope I can always return the favor and treat him like the King in our home :)

Its been so fun getting all settled into our home.. We were so blessed with some really amazing gifts. We have been blessed beyond measure with incredible family and friends!

On top of already amazing things going on- we got to continue our Honeymoon in New Zealand for about 2 weeks! It was originally gonna wind up being 6 days after some things getting switched around with flights and such- (we were flying standby through a family member and found out some of our days of travel were "blackout" days for staff travel) but nonetheless when we got there our Nana sat us down and was like, "Kids, I need to talk to you about something.. Not the birds and bees.. I feel like you should have that all worked out by now. *chuckle*" and she goes on to tell us she wants to purchase us tickets to stay an extra week! Sooo after much debate (not!) we joyfully agreed! We were so blessed through that entire trip! God is just so very good to us!

We did SO much! We got to travel much of the South Island in a borrowed car (BIG bonus of having a huge family from another country-- lots of free things for travel) and we got to visit a lot of family and friends that Nic hasn't seen since he moved to the states and likely won't see again for quite a while. It was just such a cool thing to get to see where he comes from and better understand all these places he tells me stories about... I got to see a big majority of the homes he grew up in... It was such an incredible trip! I got a bit addicted to Cadbury Crunchie bars while we were there.. it got to a point where I was eating 2 a day... Good thing I don't have a fat complex or anything! In all seriousness tho- I am not too worried about it. I was on vacation! My honeymoon!! I can get right back into my healthy eating/working out routine now that I am home :)

We got home (to the states) on the 18th and got to spend time with our Hansen side of the family- it was so good to get to see them all again. I have been so so so very blessed by marring into an incredible family! All of them. Not that my family isn't great--(I feel like I may have the BEST parents and siblings earthly possible, and also some pretty rad cousins and such..)-- but this new family of mine is wonderful. I just can't say it enough :)

We had such a blessed Christmas this year- we had hoped to get to go to Albuquerque this year to spend it with our Mullaney's but we just couldn't really swing it, financially or otherwise. So sad.. But there WILL be a next year and we are excited to get to have started some traditions of our own. Complete with a Christmas chandelier instead of a tree.. lol. Don't ask. Or maybe you should! It's a good story!

This should just about wrap it up for now.. Maybe I'll get a little better at keeping up with this now that I am not all consumed with getting married and such :)

Anticipation.

The biggest most exciting day of my life thus far is growing close and closer.. I am stuck between wanting it to be here already and wanting desperately for time to slow down! There is still so much to be done, so much to be thought of! But nonetheless- I am 46 days away from marrying the love of my life.

Needless to say, I am SO excited.

I get to become Mrs. Nicholas Less Hansen. How awesome is that?! Mrs. Kristin Hansen. It sounds so nice!! I am still practicing how I want my signature to look... I mean.. There are SO many options! Do I make a HUGE "H" and little everything else? Do I leave out my first and middle name altogether and have it plain and simple, K.R.Hansen? I guess I still have a bit of time to work it all out...

My mom and soon to be mom-in-law have been wedding planning powerhouses and this has definitely been a really good thing.. They're amazing! We are so blessed to have such wonderful moms. Nic and I are sorta in a "don't care" sort of mindset. We both just want simple and elegant and a breakfast buffet. Haha. That's it. Do we care how many seams you have to make in the tablecloths? Oooor how many strands of lights we need and how far they need to spaced out? Not really. We want to get married. And we'd like our friends and family to be there. Done. Haha! I'm sure it's got to be at least a little frustrating for them buut we're so lax about things that it kinda gives them a lot of free reign with details.. So I'm sure its got to be nice too for us to not be so particular that we get worked up about tiny things that don't actually matter..

I just wanna be his wife already :D

It's safe to say I am still needing some prayer and support for some lame-o self image issues. My awesome new "healthy" outlook was going suuuuper well until I went and had my final fitting on my dress... What a sad thing. The enemy has gotten so good at stealing my joy when it comes to the supposed to be exciting days leading up to this wedding. And the worst part is that I totally let it happen. Even slipping into my corset in the fitting room I was thinking- "Wow, I look so good and healthy. Look at how little I am! I can't wait to see what this dress looks like.." I felt India zip up the back and I turn around to see the final product staring back at me in the reflection.. Joy in my heart.. And them BAM! I saw that ridiculous 1/2 inch of skin that for some reason likes to hang over the back of my dress and around the bust area... "Back fat" and "arm pit fat" ruined my day. How stupid!! I tried very very hard to not let my disappointment show but I know for sure my lack of happiness was apparent.. Augh. I broke down when I got home and cried like a freakin' baby. Better yet- I won't be trying my dress back on til November cause it's already been sent to Cali so I don't have to try to carry it onto the airplane when I go.. Of course, now, looking back I see that it seriously is NOTHING to worry about. I look great in my dress, it fits like a dream, I look SKINNY in it and I could basically show up in a sack cloth and Nic would still think I was beautiful. I don't want the stupid lies in my head about not being good enough to ruin my day! I will NOT let that happen. I am beautiful.

Say it again, Kristin. I. Am. Beautiful.

Yup. I get closer every day to believing it.

Desperately Seeking A New Outlook

Over the past couple of months I have truly been in a constant state of panic. A highly unnecessary one. An irrational one. An absolutely need-to-get-it-together-before-I-over-think-myself-crazy one.

"How many calories is that?!"
"Wow, I feel really skinny" (6 minutes later) "Oh my gooooooosh, look at this!" *pinches self*
"What is the fat content of that?"
"I need to stop using salt- sodium makes me retain water weight."
"Should I be on a low-fat diet, a high protein diet or just a low-carb diet?!"
"I've gained 6 OUNCES since last night??!! What happened??!"

Oh. My. Freakin. Goodness. I am surprised Nic hasn't taped my mouth shut by now.

How stupid and vain I must sound.

Where did I go wrong?

What started as an attempt to just get back into healthy habits (ahem.. NOT having cookies and ice cream as my main 2 food groups) and get back in shape (be able to, oh I dunno, ride my bike for more than 10 minutes without wanting to keel over and die) turned into an unhealthy obsession with the number on the scale and how skinny I look when I turn sideways.

I should NOT be comparing myself with the 5'4" girl that weighs 100lbs and probably lives on a diet of Wheat Thins and water. I am 5'8" with child bearing hips (not a bad thing) and a healthy appetite. Oh and also, comparing myself to Nic's ex's won't get me anywhere. They're tiny skinny biotches who don't take care of themselves. Plus he doesn't want them! He's marrying me!! Anyways- The thing is is that I "know" these things.. I just don't exactly KNOW it.. Does that make any sense?

*** Side note: I am NOT saying that all slim girls don't take care of themselves- I'm just using ridiculous example for better emphasis on my current delusional mindset about what I should look like.

Why the obsessive insecurity with myself? This time last year I was so happy with how I looked (I was 20lbs bigger then!) I was beginning to finally grasp that my God has made me perfect in His sight and beauty truly is what radiates from within you. Makeup, a body comparable to Barbie, and trendy clothes are NOT what makes anyone beautiful. Even the most gorgeous, skinny and fashionable women who don't know who they are in the Lord, who seemingly have Rottweilers as their personality coaches, and who have no regard for other human beings actually LOOK worse! There is a noticeable difference! There's no light behind their eyes, no genuine joy- on the inside they are dark, lonely and empty, crying out for a Savior- and that is what shines through! Sure, they look "good" on the outside, and sure, maybe they're even smiling. But take a closer look, look in their eyes- there's nothing but sadness. That breaks my heart.

Oh to be satisfied with who He has made me to be!! What will it take??!

I have a fabulous finace who DAILY tells me that I am beautiful, who DAILY lets me know that I am the only woman he ever cares to be with, who DAILY tells me that I have a perfect body, who compliments me on everything that any other girl would be THRILLED to receive compliments on, who genuinely sees perfection when he looks at me, and who has been nothing but encouraging on my path of slimming down. And yet- all I can ever say to him is, "Yeah right." Or, "You're crazy." My goodness... It must be hard for him to have to hear that. He sees perfection and beauty and all I can see is a less than acceptable version of myself. Gosh, I'm selfish, no? A bit on the self-consumed side? If I spent 1/2 the amount of time thinking about ways to further show Nic how much I love and respect him and ways to help and serve others as I spend staring at the mirror wishing away the extra 5lbs- I believe I would be a much MUCH happier person. And those last few pounds would probably slip away without me even noticing. Or not. And I'd STILL be a happier person.

There is no magical pill, no perfect prayer to pray, no 30 minute work-out to save the day.. I have got to hang on to what I know. What has been written on my heart since the day I was born.

I am beautiful.
My Father delights in me.
I am a daughter of the Most High.
I am His beloved one.
I have a wonderful man that loves me.

What else matters?!

A skinny waist with boobs that are always perky?! No.
Abs of steel and legs that never jiggle? No.
A body so perfect that even the most picky of editors wouldn't have so much as touch with an airbrush? No.

Nothing else matters.

Taking care of myself and not being gluttonous is certainly to be considered "okay"- crazy diets and obsessing over calorie intake is so not okay.
Jogging because I like to and I want to not because I have to is where my head should be at.

What is it goin to take to convince myself that I don't need to look anything other than healthy?

Lord Jesus, I need help.

Hopefully- in the next couple of weeks I can begin to morph into a wonderfully confident woman who is happy in my skin. Who doesn't obsessively weigh herself daily. With the help of my love and my Lord, I believe things will start to change...

I suppose I should...

Write something! Right?

I mean I have TONS of time on my hands these days.. :)

I have officially lost 20lbs since moving out to KC and I think that is simply wonderful. When I got put on birth control for my cystic ovaries I put on about 30lbs over the course of the year. No bueno. Just not a good look for me. Annd so last July I got off of the pill and have since been doin' little bits of working out here and there and eating healthily. So yay! Only 10 more lbs to go! Maybe in time for the wedding and honeymoon to New Zealand??! Let's hope. :)

Oh by the way, did I mention the fact that my fiance is a sexy foreigner? Yeah. He is. :) Haha. Among other things that make him absolutely PERFECT for me, of course! He was born and raised in NZ- Kiwi father and an American mom. He moved to Cali for a 2 years as a toddler and then back to the Cali again when he was 16. And then through the course of lots of crazy awesome life stories the Lord brought him out to Kansas City to become a part of the IHOP community at the same time as me last summer. Little did he know there was a MUCH bigger purpose in moving to the Midwest. Super cool.. God has really truly orchestrated quite the love story between us.. I think someone should probably make a movie about it :) Haha. No, but seriously. God is so so good to us.. I know for a fact that this is the man that God made for me. Puppy, high-school love is precious but it only lasts so long.. this is true love and I am so blessed to have found it. I can't wait to see the life we have laid before us.

Anyways. That's it for now!

Love, Peace and Iced Vanilla Coffeeeeee :)

Ooooooh man.

Well!! Suffice to say- its been a while, no?

I am probably the worst blogger alive and no matter how many times I promise to do better I just cant ever seem to get a good hold of it! Haha. Oh well.. At least I'm pretty good at "real life." :)

Well lets see- brief update on my life since you last read..

End of February: I fell in love with my nannying job- while VERY frustrating at times it was also pretty rewarding. I got placed as one of the main worship leaders on my team at FMA which was NOT supposed to happen cause I wanted to lay low.. But I'm afraid Jesus had other plans. Haha. And then like a week into getting into it out of NOWHERE I got a terrible kidney infection and wound up in the ER. They thought it was meningitis and moments before I was to get the spinal tap the doc came bursting in and saved my life. Haha. My kidneys we black. Not kidding. Soo Nic spent a week nursing me back to health. So sweet :)

March: A fantastic and yet busy month- Nic and I ventured to ABQ so he could meet a couple of my brothers and friends. It was a fun Spring Break, somewhat stressful, the week definitely tested Nic's and my love for each other but we made it through and came out on top! My bro Kevin gave me the seal of approval within hours of meeting him and that just about made me cry- Kev is always the one I have sought the most approval from.. Not sure why. But it meant so so much to me to hear Kevin say that. Annnd.. lets see.. my worship team coach got me hooked up with another House of Prayer in MO as one of their main worship leaders. So now Nic and I drive down to Cowtown (Jamestown) every other weekend to lead worship together for their 4am set and the noon set. Its a fabulous thing!

April: Was yet another hectic month- it seems to be the going pattern of my life. Which is totally fine by me, mind you. Was still in school fulltime and nannying lots of hours with Phaedra! Nic surprised me and bought my dream bike for m since the weather was finally getting warm and I was always talking about it.. The most awesome retro lookin bike you will ever see!! Nic and I were put to through the fire so it seemed.. Some crap from his past came up and the most incredible thing about it was that throughout all of it there was never a thought in my mind that wanted to give up. Not at a single moment did I ponder if it was worth sticking through. Nic has proved his love for me daily- and not just because I had found out some unfortunate things about him. But since the first day we even met and knew we needed to be friends. And there was never a part of me that wanted to walk away from that man. We worked through it and yet again, wound up on top. We continued leading worship together on the weekends, as well as playing shows at coffee shops in the area and spending every last second with each other. He is amazing.

May: As you could have guessed- crazy busy! Classes ended for summer, my big brother Mathew wed his love annnnnd I got ENGAGED! Little did I know, Nic spent an ample amount of time between March and April communicating with my parents and ALL of my brothers about popping the big question. He wanted the go ahead from every single one of the men in my life.. which is amazing. The only catch was that we didn't want to steal any thunder from Matthew and Bri's wedding or preparations sooo he waited til after. :) He made it a weekend to remember forever! Our day was filled with all of the random things we like to do, and the evening was topped off by going to our favorite place in KC, where an orchestra was playing in the background and people were all around. He got down on one knee and pulled out the most beautiful ring I'd ever seen and asked me the most spectacular question I have ever had the honor of answering. My jaw dropped and I literally could not answer him properly for a good 20 seconds. I could not stop smiling and finally got my mouth to close for half a second so I could shout YES! He picked me up swung me around and put the ring on my finger. It was a perfect fit.. Just like us :)

June: Uhmmmm let's see... wedding plans galore coupled with engagement photo-shoot and nannying full-time since Phae was out of school! Sooo yay for bigger pay checks but boooo on having a stressful like girl sometimes. Haha. Nic and I were all over the place with summer fun! Hangin with friends, patiently awaiting the move in date to my new apartment (that HE got me, no less..), annnd of course, chasing our music dream :) I still hadn't met Nic's family so at the end of June we hopped on a plane to Cali and spent about 10 days with my new siblings and parents! It was an AMAZING trip! We fit SOOO much into the schedule. Which brought us into the beginning of July. :)

July: We were with his fam all through the what usually would have been my "fireworks season." Thank you, Jesus, for a faulous fiance with a regular job that does not require us to need to make a bunch of money in a few weeks! Haha. We came home on the 8th, my mom also flew in on the 8th, we moved me into my new apartment on the 9th (It will one day be "our" apartment buut until we say "I do" he still has to live with his roomies! Rules are rules, my dear! We're doin this the right way.) and I got my wedding dress on the 10th! It was a fantastic begining to the month, I'd say! My mom stayed through the 17th which was AWESOME! We got LOTS done on the wedding planning front. Annnd I got to hang with my momma, which is always wonderful. Then came my 21st birthday and unlike usual- I didnt want to throw a party! Weird, right? We rang in my birthday eve with our "couple friends" Samuel and India James and a bottle of champagne and then I spent my actual birthday at home with my wonderful man, Nic. It was perfection. He treats me like a Princess even tho I am so undeserving. Then a couple days after Nic surprised me with an appointment to get my first tattoos!! He is amazing!! So yeah- I got my wrists tattooed with Hebrew script saying, "Victim of love," a rough translation of the Greek word, agape. And "I do not belong to myself." Meaning I belong to Jesus. Dur. :)

Annnnd now to August!

I am taking the semester off from school so I can focus on wedding things. Plus- after looking at how much school and prayer room hours I'd miss, it's just not wise to spend thousands of dollars on a semester at school that I would likely fail and have to retake anyways. Sad, but true! Sooo yay for being a practice housewife! Lol. I have sent out all the invites, 150! Our families are frickin' huge. Seriously. We had to cut so many friends from the list. It sucked. But other than that- still really cool to finally get those out. My dress came in almost 2 whole months early which was GREAT because that meant my dad got to come to the alterations appointment with me! Oh, my dad came to town on a business trip and got to hang with me and Nic for a while, which was SUPER cool :) Annnd now Phae is back in school! So I just hang out, work out, do laundry, plan meals, plan wedding stuff during the day and then pick her up from school.

Life is beautiful!

There! Now you're all caught up :)

Cheer.

Sweet like sugar.

See- I told you I would get better at this!!Aren't you proud??

This week has been interesting in the most wonderful yet tough way. I am in the middle of a 21 day fast and it has taken a drastic turn in what I was called to be living without- it went from a meal a day every other day to one meal a day AND no makeup. This is day 5 without makeup and I feel so weird. Its not like I wear tons in the first place but you just cant understand the amount of confidence that comes with a couple layers of mascara and some blush! God is certainly doing a number on my heart with where I find my true value and beauty :)

Also, I am now a bit on the blind side- I can't afford to replace my contacts annnd my glasses somehow wound up snapped in half. So I have spent the last 4 days squinting and praying that I dont hit anything while I'm driving! Haha. Its terrible.. Maybe Jesus will just restore my sight to 20/15 and I won't have to worry about any of this!! Yeeeeah! That would be great! :)

My lack of sight has caused some epic headaches and this morning I was stuck in bed! Nic came over and brought ice cream, magic shell and some homemade chocolate chip cookies :) He spent the majority of the day snuggled up next to me tickling my back watching movies! He is so sweet.. I just can't hardly believe it! What have I done to deserve such a wonderful man!!?

I landed myself a job as a nanny this week- I will be watching a 6 year old girl Mon-Thur every week! Pick up from school and play and homework time til the later evening! I am really looking forward to it- I certainly hope my time spent with her will make for some blog worthy stories!

Yesterday, Nic and I spent the entire afternoon driving around KC going through his multitude of CDs and throwing away the ones that wouldn't play and laughing at the random mixes he had collected over the years! And then we went to a bookstore and browsed the devotional and relationship books, and then we went to a couple fancy apartment complexes and faked "apartment shopping" so we could see the insides. Haha. THEN we played at the coffee shop in Grandview- again we covered the Kanye West song, Heartless and it was spectacular. And even still- we went back to his place and made a stellar dinner with Shay, Tony squared and Josh!! Always a good day when I get to spend it at his side!

Now begins my hectic week of school, work, prayer room time and hopefully an ample amount of Nic time! Tomorror starts my very first 10 am- 10 pm day! Yikes!! Wish me luck :)

Cheers!

Ooooohmy...

Its been a while, no??

My deepest apologies, truly..

As my dearest friend, Melissa, pointed out- I have been MIA since September and needless to say, LOTS has happened since then!

I guess I should start with the biggest change in my life and then go from there..

The seemingly perfect relationship that was Jake and Kristin came to a screeching halt early in October-- hate to say it was a long time coming but it really had been. We sorta started falling apart by about November of 08 and I feel like we maybe were just sticking it out for the very sake of convenience and that we had already thought we had out whole future worked out together! We just began to realize how much our lives really weren't lining up anymore (although we were FINALLY were living at least in the same area of the country!!) how much we weren't making each other happy and that although we had always said "forever" we never officially made the commitment- which meant there was still time to get out. Haha. Strange way to put it, but true. Anyways, it was a completely mutual split and we are still on speaking/friendly terms. I truly wish for his complete happiness and I know he will find someone who is perfect for exactly what he needs! We have both already moved onto new found loves..

Which brings me to Nic :) This man is wonderful and I am completely smitten. We started dating in November, although made "Facebook" official in December... Haha. Anyways.. He treats me even BETTER than the way my dad raised me to believe I needed to be treated.. He is handsome, talented, sweet, funny and we are amazing together! I love him already! Heck, I am IN love with him already.. Yay!! :)

My new school is going sooo well- my music classes are incredible. Both hard AND fun, I didn't really think that was possible! To top it off I have a theology class that completely wrecks me every time I go. I love it :) I still owe them like $2000, which is scary but I know God will provide. He makes a way when there seems to be no way, right?? Duh. :)

Uhmm.. lets see. What else?

My brother is getting married in May and I could not be more excited!! They make the cutest couple and I am sooooooooo pumped for the big day :) Bree and Matthew are going to make a beautiful family.

Uhhh.. I don't have very much to say, aside from, I give my solemn vow to be better at this blogging stuff. I'm gonna try for at least twice a month! Think I can do it?? I'm hoping yes :)

Cheers!