It's a cozy rainy day in NYC, wee man is napping and as usual I am in a writing mood... But rather than ignoring it and catching up on cleaning or getting myself pretty for the day-- I am going to sit down and do this thing.
I made some pretty lofty promises back when I was still prego that I would remember that I have a life outside of being a mom, and that I would post about other things than just mom stuff... And I think I have done pretty well at maintaining a balance between mom life and other life (although, let's face it, the two don't exactly exist without they other.. something I have come to find out since having a babe... other life? What is that again??) But anyways, I have had some "Mom" things weighing on my heart for such a long time now, and often I have found the best way to deal is to write it out. Hash it out between me, myself, and I and see just what comes up at the end.. So you will just have to bear with me.
I've been struggling recently.. I guess I can't really say recently, due to the fact that is has practically lasted since Hudson made his way into this world. It has been more than a year since the birth of my son and despite all of my best efforts I just can't quite seem to get it together. I already know what most of you will say, "Are you kidding me, Kris?! You're a great mom!" I get it.. It may not seem this way to others but it is most certainly how I feel, and that makes it more real than any kind of genuine well-intentioned compliment someone could pay me to try and lift my spirits. I mean, sure- some days are much better than others and on those "others" I paste on a smile, conjure up some sort of response about the joys of motherhood, and keep saying it over and over in hopes of me one day believing them all. But in all honesty, deep down, I am hurting. Most days I feel like I have failed my son in every earthly way possible. Most days I feel like I just can't make everything BE how I would like it to be. And most days I don't know who I am even meant to be- I have not felt like myself in what feels like forever.
And in the light of being completely transparent here- there are some days when I see other moms posting on various social media outlets all kinds of joyous tidbits about how perfect their life as a mother is, about how great it feels to be a mom, how awesome their newest DIY project went, about how much the Lord has blessed them and they're so grateful for His leadership over their lives as mom's, and all kinds of other happy crap and really all it makes me want to do is lash out irrationally, shake them and scream at them, "HOW THE HELL DO YOU DO THIS!!!???" What's worse is it makes me so incredibly jealous I can't hardly stand it. And I know I am not meant to envy, to compare, compete, or whatever... It's the furthest thing from being an awesome God-fearing, Jesus-loving momma but I am human and guess what? I suck at this. Here I am desperately clinging to each tiny shred of happiness and joy that I can grasp. Hoping that it will somehow amount to a good, non-emotionally scarring, well-rounded childhood for my son... How on earth am I meant to compete with women who finally come into their own when they reach motherhood? Who embrace the tantrums and messes as though it were their one and only life calling? Who are totally and completely fulfilled by meal planning, organizing, cleaning, reading baby books, playing and cooing thiiiiis little piggy went to the market?? If anything I feel only more lost since becoming a mother.
Oh wait, here comes the contradiction, of course. This wouldn't really be a rant of mine if there wasn't some awesome contradiction that makes me seem all them more confusing to the onlooker, now would it? On the good days- when I am able to completely clean my house, have a fantastic dinner ready, and happy baby and husband full of all the love I could possibly have poured out on them that day-- I do......feel......wonderful. It's such a breath of fresh air. I get a new found hope, that maybe, just maybe I can do this. That, hey, now that wasn't so hard, was it? My inner dialogue changes drastically from a hum drum, 'I don't think I am cut out for this', to a cheerful, 'hooray! I am the best mom/wife/person/cook/maid/have-it-all-put-together-crafty-works-out-all-the-time-lady EVER!!!' Maybe this should be the time that I take to Facebook to rub all of my domestic glory in the faces of the women who felt like they failed that day... Please sense the sarcasm.
I am caught between wanting to let things slide and wanting absolute perfection. Like not worrying about the state of my home all the time and wanting something worthy of a Better Homes & Garden spread. Or wanting to spend ALL day catering to Hudson's every whim, playing, going to the park, etc and wanting to make sure that we have a ritual complete with lesson plans and a new skill to learn each day.
Am I making any sense? Is anyone still following me? I feel like, as per usual, my inept ability to ramble has devoured any sense of direction this post may have had.
I mean, really, truly, am I the only one out there who goes through this? I can't be the only mom in the world who feels like I am just not cut out for this. Who more often than not- feels like a total and complete failure.
And then a friend of mine shared this beautifully written blog. Why would she post that if she hadn't at some point felt like a complete loser that couldn't get her ducks in a row? And then I remembered this encouraging post. that I read months ago...
I am NOT alone. And that makes me feel the slightest bit better.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Tarantino
There should be a book written about us..
Or maybe just skip the whole book thing and go straight to feature film... and none of that Lifetime movie crap. I'm talking the real deal, tell it like it is, never made up- always entertaining, full length movie.
Because, really, these sorts of things don't just happen on a regular basis to regular people. Right? Or maybe they do and I am just stuck in my own little world thinking we're some kind of special.
Back in the day when my big bro Matt and I had to drive from ABQ to El Paso for our monthly braces adjustment, we would spend much of the drive either jamming out to unnecessarily loud music, or listening to comedians.. And I remember a Dane Cook joke where he starts off by saying he's gonna "Tarantino" his joke.. And by that meaning start from the end, with the punch line in all of its climactic glory, and then go back to the beginning to bring some understanding to the epic moment that is leaving you with a question mark over your head. So I think that's kinda what I want to try today.
Once the hacksaw broke we had to come to terms with reality... That sucker just isn't gonna fit.
Right?? That's a pretty good one.. Maybe? Sorta? Are you on the edge of your seat, glued to the screen? Good. Let's take it back to the beginning.. :)
We arrived in NYC on the 5th to a tiny, but livable apartment. That is one of the tougher things about moving to NYC from out of town. The real estate market here is nuts, and if you don't happen to be lucky enough to find one in person, or to be able to fly out to ok the place before you sign- you really wind up needing to place a LOT of trust in your broker. We had imagined something quite different to what we wound up with. Our "900sqft, 2 br apartment" is more like "600sqft apartment, 0 br- just a room with no closets and a tiny little "closet-sized" room adjoined to serve as a second place for sleeping." Haha.. remember how I said I was yet to be emotional about the move? Well.. moments after the broker left, I broke down. I think it was all just a lot to take in.. Nic and I literally were walking in circles trying to find where this extra bedroom was meant to be, where we were meant to move our sons belongings into.. But it turns out the floor plan feels a bit more like a kitchen, separate dining, living and a walk in closet... When it's meant to be eat-in kitchen, separate living room that has french doors leading into the bedroom that has a tiny little second bedroom attached. Not sure if that made sense but I have no other way to describe it.
To make things quite a bit better we met some amazing people on our first day here. First off, was George. The gentleman from across the street that offered to take us out to lunch almost immediately upon meeting us (not kidding!) at an Italian restaurant down the street.. We happily agreed since we were both starved and knew Hudson must have been feeling hungry too. Turns out, aside from a few years in his 20's-30's, he has lived in that same Brownstone home his entire life (he's 70 years old!) and every day he sits out on his stoop chatting with the people that pass by. He knows this neighborhood like the back of his hand and he has been nothing but a complete joy to get to know. Such a sweet man with an incredible life that I highly look forward to hearing much more about.
We also met with Tyson and Alee.. We had oddly enough already met them via Skype at some of the meetings we had with the Downing's regarding the church plant set to take place in NYC in 2013, but this was the first time getting to actually see them in the flesh. They cooked us dinner and it was a wonderful evening. They are not NYC natives so it has been fun exploring our new city together since then. We already feel so connected with them and really enjoy their company! Thank you, Jesus, for good friends!
We camped out on our air mattress while we enjoyed getting accustomed to the city life for a bit over a week before the rest of our things arrived. The moving company, however, made the story a bit of a frustrating one. Even before they picked our things up we knew we had made a mistake selecting them as our moving co. These guys were absolutely unorganized, unprofessional, and extremely difficult to deal with. Such a huge bummer when you're really excited about moving but duhn, duhn, duuuuhhhnnn-- the big bad moving guys are holding your belongings hostage while they try to bully you into paying tons of crazy fees.
Anyways, we got our stuff and quickly began to realize that we hadn't quite downsized enough. I swear, with every load of boxes they brought up I thought, surely this has to be the last of it! And then Pako would round the corner with another heap of things I would need to sort and decide what to keep and what to send to the thrift store. It is just shocking to see how many things we have. I mean, really-- do we need all of that?!
They started bringing up our furniture after getting the last of the boxes up and we were not too surprised to find that a lot of our things had been broken. A tall lamp, a book case, Nic's bike handlebars, too many glass items to count.. It's just so strange to me that this is what these men get paid to do. They are meant to be movers. And yet, they pretty much just carelessly threw things around. One box was so full of shards of glass it was apparent that they hadn't just bumped it, or accidentally cracked something- the damage made it seem like they had literally thrown the box to the ground. They should change their job title to breakers. Cause they're really good at that. ;)
After all was nearly said and done, they brought up the last piece of furniture, our beloved greenish yellowish couch. They had a LOT of trouble getting it up 3 flights of stairs and around the narrow hallways, but they finally got it to our door only to find that it wouldn't go through. They pushed, pulled, readjusted, and cussed. And they had absolutely NO luck. They weighed a couple different options before deciding that we were just going to have to deal with it on our own. The "boss man" told us to call a furniture doctor.. Apparently you can hire these guys to come take apart your couch and put it back together... So they left it in our hall. Thankfully we have they top floor, otherwise that just wouldn't have worked. But anyways..
A couple days later, after awkwardly maneuvering around the inconveniently placed couch, and knowing that we weren't going to spend a fortune on a "furniture doctor" come take apart our couch just to have to turn around and pay them to do it again whenever we move out of this place, Nic decided that he was going to make that couch fit. He pushed, pulled, sighed, contemplated... And then decided to give the last possible option a try. Yep. He was going to cut those dang legs off the couch.
So out came the Bear Gryll's Gerber knife I bought him for Christmas paired with a hammer. He started to chisel away at the solid oak legs. He got through one.. and then started to get through the second one when the tip of the knife broke off.
Then he did what any reasonable man would do... he walked to the hardware store around the corner and bought a hacksaw.
This plan seemed to be working pretty well.. until the hacksaw broke. Turns out the hacksaw couldn't quite handle the task. It broke while he was hacking off the last leg and he had to take a hammer to remove the last one.
And once the hacksaw broke we had to come to terms with reality... That sucker just isn't gonna fit...
Haha.. How was that for my awesome rendition of a Tarantino story? I could probably do better. In fact, I could have probably chosen a better story to test it out on. But that is beside the point. I'm glad I did it. And I am sure I will try it again sometime. I'm sure you're thrilled to hear that :)
By the way- we wound up putting it up on the Free section of Craigslist, after all we couldn't expect someone to pay for the freshly battered couch. It was snagged up within 2 days.
This New York City lifestyle is really starting to grow on me. Even though I off loaded heaps of our belongings before we moved I feel like I get to continue purging through our things on a continual basis. Just one more thing to give away, each and every day. I love it.
I realized a few days ago, after perusing through some other blogs, that I am far from the average blogger. I am not good with keeping timely updates. I don't often post "tutorials" on how to be a better crafty lady. Or post how-to, step-by-step, directions on baking a delicious slice of heaven. (Although, there was that one time that I did post that one blog with all the pictures of the crafty things I completed.. That was cute, wasn't it?) I don't give tips on how to be a better mom, wife, or person in general. I don't keep logs of my work-out schedule or document trying out the newest calorie sizzling cardio. I don't keep you updated with my daily devotions or give reviews on the latest book I've read. Ultimately, this blog has never really had a direction, or a purpose outside of giving me a place to sort of document my life, our lives. Shed a little light on the how's and why's of this little Hansen family. And I am completely okay with that.
And I still stand firm in my decision to title this blog, three or so years ago, Destination: Beautiful. Because although this blog has never technically had a direction.. It has always stayed true to the fact that no matter where this life is taking me, no matter what the Lord has had in store for me.. It has always been and will always continue to be beautiful.
The end.
Cheers, and God Bless.
Or maybe just skip the whole book thing and go straight to feature film... and none of that Lifetime movie crap. I'm talking the real deal, tell it like it is, never made up- always entertaining, full length movie.
Because, really, these sorts of things don't just happen on a regular basis to regular people. Right? Or maybe they do and I am just stuck in my own little world thinking we're some kind of special.
Back in the day when my big bro Matt and I had to drive from ABQ to El Paso for our monthly braces adjustment, we would spend much of the drive either jamming out to unnecessarily loud music, or listening to comedians.. And I remember a Dane Cook joke where he starts off by saying he's gonna "Tarantino" his joke.. And by that meaning start from the end, with the punch line in all of its climactic glory, and then go back to the beginning to bring some understanding to the epic moment that is leaving you with a question mark over your head. So I think that's kinda what I want to try today.
Once the hacksaw broke we had to come to terms with reality... That sucker just isn't gonna fit.
Right?? That's a pretty good one.. Maybe? Sorta? Are you on the edge of your seat, glued to the screen? Good. Let's take it back to the beginning.. :)
We arrived in NYC on the 5th to a tiny, but livable apartment. That is one of the tougher things about moving to NYC from out of town. The real estate market here is nuts, and if you don't happen to be lucky enough to find one in person, or to be able to fly out to ok the place before you sign- you really wind up needing to place a LOT of trust in your broker. We had imagined something quite different to what we wound up with. Our "900sqft, 2 br apartment" is more like "600sqft apartment, 0 br- just a room with no closets and a tiny little "closet-sized" room adjoined to serve as a second place for sleeping." Haha.. remember how I said I was yet to be emotional about the move? Well.. moments after the broker left, I broke down. I think it was all just a lot to take in.. Nic and I literally were walking in circles trying to find where this extra bedroom was meant to be, where we were meant to move our sons belongings into.. But it turns out the floor plan feels a bit more like a kitchen, separate dining, living and a walk in closet... When it's meant to be eat-in kitchen, separate living room that has french doors leading into the bedroom that has a tiny little second bedroom attached. Not sure if that made sense but I have no other way to describe it.
To make things quite a bit better we met some amazing people on our first day here. First off, was George. The gentleman from across the street that offered to take us out to lunch almost immediately upon meeting us (not kidding!) at an Italian restaurant down the street.. We happily agreed since we were both starved and knew Hudson must have been feeling hungry too. Turns out, aside from a few years in his 20's-30's, he has lived in that same Brownstone home his entire life (he's 70 years old!) and every day he sits out on his stoop chatting with the people that pass by. He knows this neighborhood like the back of his hand and he has been nothing but a complete joy to get to know. Such a sweet man with an incredible life that I highly look forward to hearing much more about.
We also met with Tyson and Alee.. We had oddly enough already met them via Skype at some of the meetings we had with the Downing's regarding the church plant set to take place in NYC in 2013, but this was the first time getting to actually see them in the flesh. They cooked us dinner and it was a wonderful evening. They are not NYC natives so it has been fun exploring our new city together since then. We already feel so connected with them and really enjoy their company! Thank you, Jesus, for good friends!
We camped out on our air mattress while we enjoyed getting accustomed to the city life for a bit over a week before the rest of our things arrived. The moving company, however, made the story a bit of a frustrating one. Even before they picked our things up we knew we had made a mistake selecting them as our moving co. These guys were absolutely unorganized, unprofessional, and extremely difficult to deal with. Such a huge bummer when you're really excited about moving but duhn, duhn, duuuuhhhnnn-- the big bad moving guys are holding your belongings hostage while they try to bully you into paying tons of crazy fees.
Anyways, we got our stuff and quickly began to realize that we hadn't quite downsized enough. I swear, with every load of boxes they brought up I thought, surely this has to be the last of it! And then Pako would round the corner with another heap of things I would need to sort and decide what to keep and what to send to the thrift store. It is just shocking to see how many things we have. I mean, really-- do we need all of that?!
They started bringing up our furniture after getting the last of the boxes up and we were not too surprised to find that a lot of our things had been broken. A tall lamp, a book case, Nic's bike handlebars, too many glass items to count.. It's just so strange to me that this is what these men get paid to do. They are meant to be movers. And yet, they pretty much just carelessly threw things around. One box was so full of shards of glass it was apparent that they hadn't just bumped it, or accidentally cracked something- the damage made it seem like they had literally thrown the box to the ground. They should change their job title to breakers. Cause they're really good at that. ;)
After all was nearly said and done, they brought up the last piece of furniture, our beloved greenish yellowish couch. They had a LOT of trouble getting it up 3 flights of stairs and around the narrow hallways, but they finally got it to our door only to find that it wouldn't go through. They pushed, pulled, readjusted, and cussed. And they had absolutely NO luck. They weighed a couple different options before deciding that we were just going to have to deal with it on our own. The "boss man" told us to call a furniture doctor.. Apparently you can hire these guys to come take apart your couch and put it back together... So they left it in our hall. Thankfully we have they top floor, otherwise that just wouldn't have worked. But anyways..
A couple days later, after awkwardly maneuvering around the inconveniently placed couch, and knowing that we weren't going to spend a fortune on a "furniture doctor" come take apart our couch just to have to turn around and pay them to do it again whenever we move out of this place, Nic decided that he was going to make that couch fit. He pushed, pulled, sighed, contemplated... And then decided to give the last possible option a try. Yep. He was going to cut those dang legs off the couch.
So out came the Bear Gryll's Gerber knife I bought him for Christmas paired with a hammer. He started to chisel away at the solid oak legs. He got through one.. and then started to get through the second one when the tip of the knife broke off.
Then he did what any reasonable man would do... he walked to the hardware store around the corner and bought a hacksaw.
This plan seemed to be working pretty well.. until the hacksaw broke. Turns out the hacksaw couldn't quite handle the task. It broke while he was hacking off the last leg and he had to take a hammer to remove the last one.
And once the hacksaw broke we had to come to terms with reality... That sucker just isn't gonna fit...
Haha.. How was that for my awesome rendition of a Tarantino story? I could probably do better. In fact, I could have probably chosen a better story to test it out on. But that is beside the point. I'm glad I did it. And I am sure I will try it again sometime. I'm sure you're thrilled to hear that :)
By the way- we wound up putting it up on the Free section of Craigslist, after all we couldn't expect someone to pay for the freshly battered couch. It was snagged up within 2 days.
This New York City lifestyle is really starting to grow on me. Even though I off loaded heaps of our belongings before we moved I feel like I get to continue purging through our things on a continual basis. Just one more thing to give away, each and every day. I love it.
I realized a few days ago, after perusing through some other blogs, that I am far from the average blogger. I am not good with keeping timely updates. I don't often post "tutorials" on how to be a better crafty lady. Or post how-to, step-by-step, directions on baking a delicious slice of heaven. (Although, there was that one time that I did post that one blog with all the pictures of the crafty things I completed.. That was cute, wasn't it?) I don't give tips on how to be a better mom, wife, or person in general. I don't keep logs of my work-out schedule or document trying out the newest calorie sizzling cardio. I don't keep you updated with my daily devotions or give reviews on the latest book I've read. Ultimately, this blog has never really had a direction, or a purpose outside of giving me a place to sort of document my life, our lives. Shed a little light on the how's and why's of this little Hansen family. And I am completely okay with that.
And I still stand firm in my decision to title this blog, three or so years ago, Destination: Beautiful. Because although this blog has never technically had a direction.. It has always stayed true to the fact that no matter where this life is taking me, no matter what the Lord has had in store for me.. It has always been and will always continue to be beautiful.
The end.
Cheers, and God Bless.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Ode to Kansas City
Well, we are officially on the road to NYC.. I suppose we were technically on our way as of Saturday but we made a pit stop in Cincinatti to visit with our wonderful friends, the Boehne's, for a day or so. It was a quick one, but I am thankful nonetheless.
We have both been somewhat non-emotional about this move. I feel like there must be a part of me that doesn't believe it, or something like that. I have always been a sissy when it comes to goodbyes, and yet here I am, having to say goodbye to all of my dear friends in KC and all of our favorite places, and not a single tear was shed. I must be growing up... Or like I really suspect, just haven't fully wrapped my mind around what has taken place.
Anyways, in an effort to pull some sort of emotional response out of Nic and myself, I decided to sit down and make a list of things we would miss. Which instantly was backed up with an equally long list (if not slightly longer..) of things we would definitely not miss. Ha! Oh well. Tis life.
I must admit-- I lost the actual list we made so I am basing all of this off from memory... I'm sure you will be able to find some level of appreciation for them, whether you've made lists like these yourself or if you just have a good sense of humor. ;)
Things we WILL miss:
Our fave restaurants: Lulu's, Jerusalem Cafe, Grünauer, OK Joe's (and other noteworthy BBQ joints), and Blanc.
Our favorite places: WWI memorial- this place holds TOO many memories to try and list. We fell in love and got engaged there... to name a few; Loose Park- same sort of sentiment as the previous, there's just so much that took place in that beautiful park that has everything to do with us being together. River Market- pretty self explanatory. The cool downtown library.
We're going to miss taking random drives around town, KC is surprisingly a beautiful city with LOTS of cool neighborhoods and buildings and random country roads lined with trees. Also, taking runs through those areas will be missed!
We are going to miss having Tashie live with us! It has been so fun sharing our home with her and getting to know her better. And I think it is safe to say we are definitely going to miss having the "live-in babysitter." Haha!
Definitely going to miss all of the cool thunderstorms.. There are few things I love more in life than being cuddled in bed, listening to a thunderstorm roll by.
We are going to miss having Tashie live with us! It has been so fun sharing our home with her and getting to know her better. And I think it is safe to say we are definitely going to miss having the "live-in babysitter." Haha!
Definitely going to miss all of the cool thunderstorms.. There are few things I love more in life than being cuddled in bed, listening to a thunderstorm roll by.
The IHOP prayer room- truly one of the most peaceful, challenging and wonderfully places I have ever encountered. And although we can turn on the web stream whenever we please, it's just such a different experience actually being able to sit in there and soak it all in.
And last but not least, our friends. Each and every single one of them. We have met some truly incredible people while living in the Midwest and although I know it still hasn't hit me fully, I already miss everyone. It's gonna be terrible not having Kelly and Salem to meet for a Target trip or park visit, not having my wonderful Ashley's always down for a dinner date, both Gabbard families in their entirety, the Lubbers and Bailey's to share holiday meals and Sunday dinners with, the Albaugh's for random hang-outs and meet-ups, miss Brit for quick chats and meet ups on random street corners for the heck of it, the list just goes on... I am really really gonna miss everyone.
We really AREN'T going to miss:
All the freakin crusty kids on every corner riding their hipster-ass fixie bikes! Judging me for putting cream in my coffee, sometimes buying non-organic food and taking a shower more than once a month. Lol. And this includes our loud upstairs neighbors that stomp like elephants and have drunken rampages that sound like someone is tripping out on bath salts.
Not gonna miss the humidity. Not one bit.
Terrible drivers that ride in the fast lane traveling approx 20mph below the speed limit. Eat my dust, suckas! I'm goin to New York where EVERYONE speeds ;P Oh and not to mention, everything being at least a 20 minute drive away.
You'll have to bear with me on this one but.. We're not going to miss all the flaky IHOPer's out there. Seriously a dime a dozen.. I know I have spaced it on returning phone calls, emails, and such but it literally feels like these kids do it on purpose. I can't tell you how many unanswered texts, messages, phone calls, etc I've had to let roll off my back and grin instead of give the cold shoulder in the name of forgiveness.
Inside joke but it has to be listed.. We reeeeaaallly aren't gonna miss the 3B's...
Nic's number one thing he won't miss are the terrible employers he's run into in KC! I'm pretty sure my poor husband has not worked for an honest, good man in years..
Not gonna miss all the bugs! There's nothing worse than waking up to find a new constellation pattern of mosquito bites on your leg.
Not gonna miss the lack of a good skyline. Apart from the good view of downtown, KC is as flat as a chalkboard. Not so pretty to look at.
Not gonna miss the lack of a good skyline. Apart from the good view of downtown, KC is as flat as a chalkboard. Not so pretty to look at.
Hahaha... Not quite how I imagined it looking but I think it works.
We do have a lot we will miss and maybe more will hit us as time goes by... But for now we have so much to look forward to. And I genuinely can't wait to see all that NYC has to offer. It will be an adventure in the very least.
We do have a lot we will miss and maybe more will hit us as time goes by... But for now we have so much to look forward to. And I genuinely can't wait to see all that NYC has to offer. It will be an adventure in the very least.
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