Whaaaat?!

Wow. A 4th entry in ONE MONTH?!? This never happens. I don't know if I should be proud or a little bit worried that I should be doing something better with my time.. like cleaning or folding laundry or taking the mail to the mailbox.. Ah what the heck.. this is a milestone! I think I'll celebrate with actually adding pictures to this post!

Speaking of milestones-- I'm not sure if this can be claimed as one but I will still take a moment to commemorate this wonderful occasion- my baby boy, the little man who has hated all things to do with "tummy time" since he was born, due to colic and reflux issues..

(see what I mean)

..has finally rolled into the world of mobility. And by that I mean, he is a rollin' machine. Anytime I put him on his belly its like.. BAM- he's rolled onto his back again. I can't imagine how frustrating that must be.. being stuck on your tummy, not being able to will yourself one way or the other and having to wait for your muscle tone to allow you to follow through with what your brain has been wanting for weeks. Lol. Poor boy. This is one proud mama.

Among the other exciting events of this week was another big one for us.. Nic FINALLY got his tattoo finished that he started a few weeks after moving here, along with the swallow that he got when he was 18. He had the top part of his 1/2 sleeve started in Sept of '09 . It was a 4 part process.. Lines, then shading, then lines, and finally the last bit of shading. I am just so happy for him! I know it's been a source of stress for a while.. It can be compared to starting a remodel on your house and not having the means to complete it for nearly 3 years.. and when that final piece of molding goes up, or the final coat on the cabinets goes on- there is a HUGE sigh of relief. So yes, my sweet hubby's "final coat" has been rolled on and we're just in the waiting process for the healing to finish. Which means lots of antibacterial soap and unscented lotion :) I also got a bit of work done... but alas- it is not quite complete.. which now I can start to see why Nic had the constant frustration every time he looked at his shoulder because it "wasn't done." I always thought it looked fine but no matter my kind words of affirmation he just was irritated that it wasn't done.. now I have a piece on my foot that he loves but every time I look at it I am met with disdain. I want it finished, dang it. Hopefully my wait won't be quite as long as his was!

As you can see- our tattoo guy is pretty cool. We went to Skin Quest on Southwest in Westport and met Loren. He's actually the owner of the shop which is always a good thing to have a hookup with. We think we have found a guy we'll feel comfortable going back to time and time again. As well as sending more work his way when our friends have an inkling to get inked :) You can't really see but he has a mullet, which automatically makes him legit.

We also can officially be deemed "redneck." At least for a short little while.. we took part in some pretty ridiculously redneck events this weekend. For one, Nic met some ladies at The Drum Room (the restaurant/bar that he bartends at) that were running the "Midwest RV Show" and they gave us free entry into the 4 day long convention. We went and it was awesome.. we were so shocked at how nice some of those things are! Like seriously nicer than any home I have ever lived in.. And I've lived in some pretty nice places growing up.. The one that stuck out the most to me had a fake fireplace, marble counter tops, stairs leading to the "master" bedroom and a loft for the kiddos. CRAZY! But now I can totally see why some people retire and move into those things. And another awesome part of it? They totally rigged the drawing for us. We are the proud winners of 4 lower level tickets to a royals game this June. What, whaaat?! We also went to.. I'm ashamed to say.. a liquidation sale. It was truly the most ghetto thing I have ever taken part in. I mean, I have always heard about them and wondered about how legit they were.. and now, I can safely say.. not at all. Not even a little. For one, we were truly the only white people in there, which would never really be an issue for us. It's not a big deal and not that odd for some KC events. But this time we were being watched. It was such a weird feeling.. We could just feel people's eyes burning holes into our backs. We should have turned around when the security guard at the front gave us "that" look- you know the one- the "what the heck are YOU doing here," look. Lol. Plus, all the "name brand" stuff they advertised were all easily 10+ years old. Oh well.. we went in with open minds and eyes buuut the overall lesson learned? NEVER go to a liquidation sale. Ever.

I am sure there are quite a few more things I could think of to ramble on about but I think for now, I will call it a day. As always, God bless and have a lovely day :)

Cheers!

Things I have learned..

I was up late feeding Hudson a few nights ago and started thinking, about our past year, everything we have been through, all of the trials we have faced, and really just thanking the Lord for bringing us through it all.

Something that really struck me were the lessons I feel like we have learned (and am still learning, really). It's like we have been forced to grow up in so many ways, forced to face things we never thought we would face and I can definitely say its been rough, but well worth it. I think the biggest thing I have learned is to NEVER say never. To be flexible. Yes, I realize this is already a saying. And an over-used one at that. It is already the life motto of many people, and even the clever little song of many cartoon characters.. But in this past year I have had to learn to live it. I like things to be under control, my control, and steady. And as anyone who has lived life for any amount of time, life typically doesn't go as planned.

For one thing, this time last year I still didn't know I was pregnant with Hudson. Finding out we were pregnant in itself was a stretching situation. I was in the midst of an internal battle with the Lord. I knew something was up, I knew something was different but I also knew I couldn't be pregnant! I mean, I had just gotten married. I had just gotten home from my honeymoon. And more-so, Nic had JUST been laid off. No way, no how, not now, Lord. I was convinced that it was the return of my cystic ovaries (PCOS) that I had been diagnosed with when I was 18. Which, of course, brought on a whole different range of arguments with the Lord. I thought He had healed me of this ailment. I was struggling, to say the least. Well long story short- and quite obviously at this point, I was in fact pregnant.

Being pregnant is an entire world built on expectancy, I mean, the most common book to read while prego is "What to Expect When You're Expecting." It walks you through, week-by-week, month to month. It tells you all the different things that could happen, what sorts of questions to ask at your check ups, and most importantly- what labor would/could look like. I began to compile this list of my "absolute's" and my "never's."

I wanted a midwife, not a doctor. I wanted a water birth, all natural, no drugs. I wanted only 3 people present for the birth (me, my husband and midwife). I wanted him to come early, or at least on my due date! I wanted a special, intimate occasion free of stress and free of outside issues. I wanted to be able to breastfeed with no complications or issues. I wanted perfection.

I would NEVER set foot in a hospital. NEVER have any medications, shots, or IV's. NEVER deliver in a room full of people. And I NEVER let anything get in the way of that. I would NEVER feed my son anything but breastmilk. I would NEVER give him a bottle. Never, never, never seemed to flood my vocabulary.

Well, guess what? I was soooooooooooo wrong. About everything.

After 50 long hours of laboring on my own, at the birthing center and at home, I was stuck. Hudson was stuck. And we had to go to a hospital. A midst other extreme stress factors playing into the entire situation, I was absolutely broken. Everything changed and I had no control whatsoever.

I birthed in a hospital, with a doctor (thankfully my midwife was also present but did not get to deliver herself). I had an epidural, an IV and a somewhat intrusive monitor that had to be placed on Hudson's head while he was still inside of me. I had a vacuum extraction because Hudson was stuck in such a precarious position, I had a room full of strangers watch me deliver. And I had an absolutely less than perfect world to bring my son into. And to top it off, my poor wee boy was tongue tied and could not latch worth anything, even after weeks of trying we never got the hang of it. I could not get over it... I even still to this day find myself asking the Lord about how everything came to be.

No matter what the issues may be or have been, at the end of the day, the most important thing is that Hudson is here and made it safely. He is a healthy baby boy and Nic and I are absolutely in love with him.

I often sit back and think about that experience, the days leading up to it and the days that followed. I feel like it was just yesterday and still somehow ages ago. We have grown up in so many ways and while I still have have some unanswered questions- life goes on. All around me. Day in and day out- Nic works- I work (at home but still.) - our families lives continue hours and hours away- friends live their lives-and Hudson never ceases to capture every ounce of our attention. Life doesn't stop just because something happened that we don't like. Or because something happened that we couldn't control. We must learn to realize this.

Nic and I just came out of a 21-day fast.. We did a modified "Daniel Fast" I suppose-we basically followed a "no meats, no sweets, no alcohol" guideline. We were fasting for some breakthrough on our current situation.

Breakthrough.. You wait for it. You pray for it. You fast for it. And one day, there it is. Or.. in our case.. isn't. We still have no answers. And while it is tough to understand why- we are still pressing forward. In the limbo of not knowing what our lives may look like in a few short months.

There are so many options that lie before us- and the hardest part is to not let other people's desires for our lives influence our decision! Ultimately, we have the job of choosing what is best for our family and for Hudson.

I so badly wish that I could make everyone happy.. just one of my many downfalls. But in order for everyone to be happy in this case.. we would somehow have to find a way to live in Kansas City, Albuquerque, OC, and New Zealand all at once while somehow finding a way to have our music be our source of income. Oh and somehow be leading worship fulltime at a church in each of those towns. Sound complicated enough? Don't forget making sure our lil man (and future children) are happy, educated and stable.

Le sigh.

We will figure it out. I have no doubt about that. I just can't promise it will be anytime soon ;)

Day of Rest.

I should probably be cleaning up my house right now, or folding laundry, or something of the sort but I am under strict orders to relax today. I came down with some sort of awful 24 hour bug yesterday and Nic wants me to take time to get better. I hate sitting around.

Well actually let me rephrase that, I hate sitting around when it's not my choice.

I don't mind it at all when I am the one who makes my way to the couch and throws on a dvd. It is a favorite past time of mine, really. Relaxing and "chilling." But I usually can't do that sort of thing until my house is in order and all tasks are completed.... What kind of self-respecting house wife could just sit down when there is a load of laundry to start? Or a counter top to be wiped? Or base boards that haven't been dusted in a while? Haha.. Pathetic. But at least you know I take my job as "homemaker" very seriously :)

Anyways, my heart has been stirred as of late. In fact, it is even breaking for the closeness of the Lord. I have gone through seasons in my life where I could always hear the voice of the Lord in my ear. It was as simple as slowing down and listening, and asking, what would you have for me, Father? It has been a while since I have been able to do that. I don't know if it's because I've allowed my life to become too busy or if I am just in a season of waiting on Him or what. I have been yearning for the closeness of my Jesus.

I've been trying to remind myself to pray more... not just as I am falling asleep or when I think of something or someone I have an urge to intercede for. I want to be in constant communion with Him. I know that is a tall order- and while many of our leaders of the church these days make that seem like its easy, I will not deny my struggle. Life so easily gets in the way. It's undeniably easier to sleep in on a Sunday than it is to get up and go to church. It's easier to stay home and watch TV than it is to pack up and head to the prayer room, or even to just shut it off and spend some quiet time in the Word. I am sure all of these worship leaders we look up to, pastors we long to be like, leaders that often get idolized all have the same struggles we do. I think it is something so easy to do-- put leaders on a pedestal, think of them as untouchable. But they are every bit as human as we are.

When I was in school at IHOPU I had the joy of having one of my favorite worship leaders as a voice coach. And one of the most eye opening experiences I have had as of yet is a day she came to class, clearly upset and out of sorts, and sheepishly asked us all to pray with her and for her. She was feeling inadequate as a musician, was doubting her abilities and was not feeling like she was missing out on her calling. Clearly an attack on her confidence. I couldn't believe what my ears were hearing, here she was, a woman I greatly admired and wanted to be like and she was dealing with the same kind of crap that I do! I realized that we are all the same. We are all just trying to find our place in the world, trying to hear the Lord's voice, trying to follow His divine direction in our lives and all having moments of insecurity. To this day I still highly admire this woman and long to be a skilled musician like her. That moment of "normalcy" did anything but change my views of her. If nothing else, I know I respect her so much more now.

I know I have a lifelong walk ahead of me. A journey with moments of feeling closer to the Lord than I ever have, moments of longing for divine intervention, and moments of yearning for more closeness. This is merely another stepping stone towards my calling in life.

As I have said many times in previous posts, Nic and I are at a crossroads. We are both feeling restless in Kansas City and are both feeling that our time here is drawing to an end. How true that is, we are still unsure. We know it is time we take some sort of step of faith.. be that moving, starting a company, chasing a lifelong dream, or just choosing to be content in the waiting.. we don't know. But we are praying, we are fasting, we are interceding. Longing for some direction. Join us, won't you? Pray for our little family as we are facing some of our first potentially life-altering decisions. We just want what He wants. We want to be used for the Kingdom of Heaven in a mighty way.

I'm on day 10 of reading through my Bible this year. Yes, there is an "app" for that. And I am dutifully using it. I try to get it done while I'm feeding my dear boy, but it usually happens while I am in bed at night. I can't tell you how many times I have started on one of these kicks, trying to read through my Bible in some amount of time. I am ashamed to say, I have always failed. I always seem to make it through the New Testament pretty well, with no problems, but it's those lengthy Old Testament books full of genealogies that get me. I find myself glazing over and not really reading any of it until I see something that is interesting. I, of course, constantly remind myself that I cannot be the only person who does that. Anyways, I am trying very hard to make my way through the Bible in it's entirety this year. From front to back... or well, technically, from first finger swipe to last ;) I can do this.

I believe that should be all for now. Thank you, as always, and God Bless!

Friends.

And by that I mean the t.v. show from the 90's. You know the one, Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox-- the whole crew.

I fell in love with this show a few years ago thanks to none other than my best friend, Amanda. She bought me the 8th season for my highschool graduation gift and from then I was hooked. Before we ever lived together we would hang out at her house and watch episode after episode. Then we moved in together and the obsession continued. And before long, I went out and purchased the entire series. This was back when I had money to just spend on whatever my heart desired. Now we have much better things to be spending money on.. diapers, wipes, onsies, things of the sort. :)

Anyways- I tend to throw in a couple dvd's from time to time just to have background noise in the house other than the dishwasher or dryer. And then there are the times I start from disc 1 and go all the way through 40. Not necessarily watching each episode again, but certainly hearing them while I play with Hudson or while he naps and I go about my day to day routine. I'm on disc 12 at the moment... should be another few weeks before I finish. I keep telling myself that I can't possibly be the only person who does this sort of thing.. right?

I just like having sound in my house- music, IHOP webstream, movies, anything to keep my mind churning and my ears happy. Silence is nice every once in a while but really- when is it ever truly quiet? If you're in your car there's the sound of your engine or is you have one of those really quiet cars its the sound of wind or other vehicles around you. In your house there's a water heater turning off and on throughout the day, in my case a baby learning all of his ooh's, aah's and gaguhladababa's. Then of course, living downtown, we have grown accustomed to all sorts of outside noises making there way into our home- police sirens, fire engine horns, the occasional gunshot, etc. There is never a truly quiet moment in my life.. So I figure I may as well make the most of the constant noise and fill the sound waves with sounds that I like. Maybe one day we'll live out in the country where silence is a little easier to come by.

People tend to make New Year's Resolutions this time of year, pledge to start habits and break old ones. I just like to think of the brand new year as a chance to do such a thing- not necessarily vow to "exercise every day" or "eat healthier" or "stop being lazy" cause those sorts of things tend to go by the wayside long before Valentine's day makes its way around. Instead, I like to look back on my past year, think of the things that maybe held me back, or could use some adjusting and try my best to make that happen. I don't want to make promises to myself that I know I won't keep. This year I am going to try to read through my entire bible without stopping and thankfully there's an app for that. And a reminder on my phone each day set at 5pm.

I also really want to beat out an ailment that has had me held captive since I was about 12.. It's fairly hard to talk about, extremely embarrassing to be honest... Anyhow, it's a compulsive disorder called trichotillomania and just about the only "cure" for it is to be put on behavior meds for anxiety and antidepressants. And that is just something I refuse to do. I will not let a pill begin to dictate my life. What exactly is trichotillomania? It's a little tough to explain. I suppose if you were really curious you could just do a quick google search and read up on it.. It is an obsessive compulsive habit of pulling out one's hair. I can actually remember it all the way back to when I was 7-I had been pulling out my eyelashes, one at a time, to the point where I would keep them in nice tiny little piles on my desk at school. My dad noticed first and he tried to warn me about what would happen if I kept doing it. Whatever it was that he said it did scare me into stopping. Not for long however- I moved onto my eyebrows. I would pick and pull until I had bald spots.. usually on the right eyebrow. And it was embarrassing but I just could not stop. I usually didn't even notice that I was doing it!

That lasted all the way through 6th grade when I started picking and pulling at my head. I can remember almost like it was yesterday, at one of my friend's houses, I had picked one specific spot so much that there was a fully bald patch the size of a quarter on the back of my head, she noticed. In fact, she AND her mom AND her sister all took notice. I can only imagine how many shades of red I turned that day... Her mom came in for a close look and determined that I must have been sleeping with a ponytail too tight and that it was ripping out my hair in that specific spot. First of all, I was mortified but secondly, there it was.. my perfect excuse. From them on, whenever someone noticed the thinning patch anywhere on my head I just casually would brush it off with my classic "too tight, too high ponytail" excuse and silently vow to NEVER pull at my hair again. But before I knew it, I'd drift off into this world and have a pile of hair on the floor next to me. I literally just can't stop and it kills me. There's even an overwhelming sense of anxiety that comes alongside it if I get interrupted. So strange, I know.

I see women with full heads of hair, gorgeous haircuts, beautiful hair styles and it just breaks my heart because I fear that I will never be able to come close to having a head of hair like that. Of course, I have found crafty ways of hiding it, or styling my hair so that it is all hidden. Even at 16, I decided to stop having my hair professionally cut because I was sick of the embarrassment and sick of them rolling their eyes at my "ponytail" excuse. So, I started cutting my own hair. Yep. 6 long years of pretty much the exact same haircut.

I never shared my struggle with anyone until I met Nic.. We would always play the "secret telling" game that newly in love kids tend to do in a quest to get to know their love as quickly as possible. I felt like such an idiot, coming clean, sharing such an intimate detail of my life. I told of my silent and yet often obvious humiliation as well as my strive to find ways to beat it. I have prayed countless times to be delivered from this and even with the Lord holding off on my deliverance day, I look at it as a chance to overcome. I need this. It has been 2 years since I shared with Nic, and since then he has helped me to become way more aware of when I start to pick. We have tried various "methods" to get me to be able to stop. And that has been very enlightening, but now I am at a crossroads. Just being "aware" of it has not helped me to slow down... Or at least not very much.

This year, it all ends. I will overcome. I will even get my hair cut by a professional. I WILL stop making excuses. It will be hard. It will take some time. But in the end, if I can beat this.. I will know that I literally can do anything. With the Lord's help and my husband by my side, of course. :)

That is all for now. Have a wonderful and blessed day! And say a prayer for me if ya think of it :)