So it's been a while since I've written anything about this. And I think there's good reason. For one, I vowed to myself that I wouldn't obsess any longer, at least not publicly... And I've been mostly successful in the sense that I haven't posted anything online. Ha.
I've still struggled a bit on the inside. My mind has sometimes been consumed with self-loathing from time to time. I've commiserated with friends over seemingly ridiculous body-complaints. And I've shared openly with my husband about each of my different struggles, but finally... Something is clicking. Something has changed.
It could be a few things, really. Either I'm growing up or wising up or maybe the fact that I haven't weighed myself since April (which is a big deal since I've been an obsessive 2-3x daily kind of girl for as long as I can remember... No bueno) or maybe because I'm living in a country where there's no real pressure to be extra thin and normal, healthy curves are the absolute norm... Or likely the combo of all of the above.
Buuut I'm actually kind of happy with the way I look these days.
"Soft edges" and all. 6-pack abs will probably never be a part of my life, and I'm actually pretty okay with that. I know I could stand to slim down a touch, firm up from here to there, but honestly? There's a time for that. And now is not that time for me. I've only recently started getting sleep on a regular basis and starting some super strict work out regimen is in no way appealing. Running when Nic gets home from work some days, sure. Trying to squeeze in some push-ups and crunches while the kids are distracted (or climb all over me), of course. Sprint up the stairs with laundry in tow, well yeah, that's just fun. Beyond that, I am making no commitments, not yet.
Of course, I still see slender, toned women and think, "Wow, they're really beautiful." And maybe even for a half a second I feel a twinge of guilt for not trying hard enough during my work-out (or lack there-of.) But for me to commiserate and beat myself down for not looking like that right now is absolute absurdity. And I'm thankful that mindset of mine has been coming to an end. It isn't healthy and it isn't the way I want to live. And it definitely isn't the kind of body image I want to pass down to my children.
I know this may not seem like all that big of deal, but for me, it is quite literally life-changing. I have had a horrible body image for most of my life. It started when I was 8. EIGHT, y'all. I remember starting to see girls in my class in a whole different way than just my peers or friends, I saw girls who were smaller than me, girls who were more athletic than me in P.E., girls who could wear really cute outfits that looked like mini-Barbie dolls and I hated it. I started calling myself things like fat and plump. And likened myself to just being the "funny fat girl." That was going to be my place. Because surely, I couldn't belong amongst these tiny, beautiful girls in my class. It didn't help that I also had family members who would forbid me a second helping of dinner, or would look at me in disgust if I wanted more dessert, or heck, pinch my sides and tell me to run more. (Seriously? Can you imagine saying that to a 9 year old?!) I look back and that "hideous fat girl" I thought I was, turns out it was merely a little bit of pre-pubescent chub. That's all. Puberty hit and I slimmed out, thank God for that, but the mindset never really left. Those beginning thoughts of an 8 year old, who didn't listen to her mom when she said she was beautiful and rather listened to the other voices that said she was lacking, she wasn't good enough- that is what shaped my life. It's truly tragic. I've hated my body and all of it's flawed pieces for so long, it's hard to remember a time when I didn't look in the mirror and loathe what I saw. There's been an obsession with "skinny" my whole life, and I've never really even achieved it! That's the funny thing! I've been slim, yes, and nice and toned and all that jazz, but truly skinny like I longed for? Ha. No. My body is simply not built for that. And I've haaaated it for that.
How can we change this? How can I assure that my daughter, even if those thoughts flit through her sweet mind, won't buy in to the age-old pattern of body-hatred? What steps can I take now to open the doors of communication with my kids so that they feel freedom to discuss these things, rather than erupting in a fit of hysterics during jean shopping in middle school because a size 5 suddenly qualifies you as a "fat ass" {yes, that happened. Mom, you're a saint.}?
I find it incredibly sad that our culture is consumed with one body trend after the other, super skinny or overly-fit, "real women have curves" or thigh gaps, body-concious or overly-body-obssessed. I have super fit mom bloggers staring me down with 3 kids on her hips questioning, "What's your excuse?" and another less fit mom in the next saying, "I don't need one." I, for one, am happy to move on and find my own happy place. My own comfortable shape. I think it's high time we stop letting other people define what we should look like. If you want to work out 7x a week and eat a Paleo diet, then by all means, please do. But don't shame me for opting out of gym time to have dinner with my family and more than likely finish off with a giant bowl of ice cream in front of the TV. If you want to control your portion size down to the gram and calorie count, oh my goodness, I applaud your efforts, because that takes some amazing dedication. But please, for the love of God, don't give me the stink eye when I get up for seconds. Oh, and if you feel like never working out and eating every meal until you feel like you're going to pop, go for it. But don't feel offended and suddenly self-conscious if I decide to forgo dessert. I think there is a fine line between sharing your excitement for something that is working for you (because let's face it, that's exactly what I am doing.. right now.. you're reading it) and practically forcing your ideal on someone else, to the point of making them question their own worth.
We're in this together, y'all. Let's encourage each other to find their happy comfortable self, and if that looks a little different than our own personal ideal, then so be it. Take care of yourself, find what works for you. And if that stops working, make some changes, ask questions, but don't hate the in between time. Enjoy the process. I think barring life-threatening habits; i.e. bingeing and purging, anorexia, overly-working out without proper protein and calorie intake (yes, it happens and no, it is NOT safe), and I dunno, extreme unhealthy weight gain or loss, we should support overall health and wellness, healthy minds, and nutritional and physical education for children and adults alike. The more we know about food and our own bodies, the better off we all will be.
... Freedom. Ahhh. It is sweet.
Go get yourself some. (And have a second helping while you're at it!)
Of course, I still see slender, toned women and think, "Wow, they're really beautiful." And maybe even for a half a second I feel a twinge of guilt for not trying hard enough during my work-out (or lack there-of.) But for me to commiserate and beat myself down for not looking like that right now is absolute absurdity. And I'm thankful that mindset of mine has been coming to an end. It isn't healthy and it isn't the way I want to live. And it definitely isn't the kind of body image I want to pass down to my children.
I know this may not seem like all that big of deal, but for me, it is quite literally life-changing. I have had a horrible body image for most of my life. It started when I was 8. EIGHT, y'all. I remember starting to see girls in my class in a whole different way than just my peers or friends, I saw girls who were smaller than me, girls who were more athletic than me in P.E., girls who could wear really cute outfits that looked like mini-Barbie dolls and I hated it. I started calling myself things like fat and plump. And likened myself to just being the "funny fat girl." That was going to be my place. Because surely, I couldn't belong amongst these tiny, beautiful girls in my class. It didn't help that I also had family members who would forbid me a second helping of dinner, or would look at me in disgust if I wanted more dessert, or heck, pinch my sides and tell me to run more. (Seriously? Can you imagine saying that to a 9 year old?!) I look back and that "hideous fat girl" I thought I was, turns out it was merely a little bit of pre-pubescent chub. That's all. Puberty hit and I slimmed out, thank God for that, but the mindset never really left. Those beginning thoughts of an 8 year old, who didn't listen to her mom when she said she was beautiful and rather listened to the other voices that said she was lacking, she wasn't good enough- that is what shaped my life. It's truly tragic. I've hated my body and all of it's flawed pieces for so long, it's hard to remember a time when I didn't look in the mirror and loathe what I saw. There's been an obsession with "skinny" my whole life, and I've never really even achieved it! That's the funny thing! I've been slim, yes, and nice and toned and all that jazz, but truly skinny like I longed for? Ha. No. My body is simply not built for that. And I've haaaated it for that.
How can we change this? How can I assure that my daughter, even if those thoughts flit through her sweet mind, won't buy in to the age-old pattern of body-hatred? What steps can I take now to open the doors of communication with my kids so that they feel freedom to discuss these things, rather than erupting in a fit of hysterics during jean shopping in middle school because a size 5 suddenly qualifies you as a "fat ass" {yes, that happened. Mom, you're a saint.}?
I find it incredibly sad that our culture is consumed with one body trend after the other, super skinny or overly-fit, "real women have curves" or thigh gaps, body-concious or overly-body-obssessed. I have super fit mom bloggers staring me down with 3 kids on her hips questioning, "What's your excuse?" and another less fit mom in the next saying, "I don't need one." I, for one, am happy to move on and find my own happy place. My own comfortable shape. I think it's high time we stop letting other people define what we should look like. If you want to work out 7x a week and eat a Paleo diet, then by all means, please do. But don't shame me for opting out of gym time to have dinner with my family and more than likely finish off with a giant bowl of ice cream in front of the TV. If you want to control your portion size down to the gram and calorie count, oh my goodness, I applaud your efforts, because that takes some amazing dedication. But please, for the love of God, don't give me the stink eye when I get up for seconds. Oh, and if you feel like never working out and eating every meal until you feel like you're going to pop, go for it. But don't feel offended and suddenly self-conscious if I decide to forgo dessert. I think there is a fine line between sharing your excitement for something that is working for you (because let's face it, that's exactly what I am doing.. right now.. you're reading it) and practically forcing your ideal on someone else, to the point of making them question their own worth.
We're in this together, y'all. Let's encourage each other to find their happy comfortable self, and if that looks a little different than our own personal ideal, then so be it. Take care of yourself, find what works for you. And if that stops working, make some changes, ask questions, but don't hate the in between time. Enjoy the process. I think barring life-threatening habits; i.e. bingeing and purging, anorexia, overly-working out without proper protein and calorie intake (yes, it happens and no, it is NOT safe), and I dunno, extreme unhealthy weight gain or loss, we should support overall health and wellness, healthy minds, and nutritional and physical education for children and adults alike. The more we know about food and our own bodies, the better off we all will be.
Guess what? I think I've eaten more ice cream and fried foods in the past 3 months than I have ever allowed myself to, and you know what, my jeans are fitting a bit looser these days. Don't ask me how, or why. {Some might argue it's because of "muscle loss" but these hips don't lie, and I'm not sure how much "muscle" was there to begin with, others might argue that it's because I don't wash them often enough, but I digress ;) } As I said in the beginning.. Maybe I'm getting older, or wiser, or no longer obsessing with the number on the scale but...
... Freedom. Ahhh. It is sweet.
Go get yourself some. (And have a second helping while you're at it!)
