I've figured it out.
Turns out I do have a thing.
It's making babies.
Yes, indeed, you read that correctly. Our precious little Numba Three is on his/her way! Apparently, part of my "thing" is getting unexpectedly pregnant, about 2 months or so after we move somewhere new. (Or to be fair.. 3 weeks after we got married, too!) And with patterns like this emerging I may have officially asked Nic that we not move.. Like ever again. Because I'm not sure I can handle any more surprise pregnancies like this. Haha!
My excitement has ebbed and flowed like the tides, it seems. But I am finally in a place where I'm genuinely pretty stoked and excited and hopeful for the days to come. I still occasionally feel overwhelmed and like I have a lump in my throat threatening to escape in the form of ugly crying. Which of course, draws the attention of my 3 year old, who tries to comfort me by singing songs and bringing me his bunny to cuddle. But yes, peace and joy is finally what rests in my heart. I mean, seriously, we make some pretty precious little beings.. And aside from the colicky phases, crazy toddler defiance and potty training that seem to follow shortly thereafter, they've been an absolute delight to raise and watch grow.
To be completely honest, I was definitely not ready for this. And if it weren't for needing to bust out my trusty hair tie trick to fit into pants these days I still might have a hard time believing it ;)
Obviously, I'm not the first person in the world to have a bit of a surprise pregnancy, and not even the first to have 3 in a row but never in a million years would I have seen myself with 3 kids at 25. In fact, I don't think I would have seen myself with any kids at 25. My perfect starting age in my perfectly mapped out life plan was 27- have a few spaced out by a couple years each and wrap it all up by about 32 or 33. But, as with most things in this life, God had a completely different plan for me, for us! And that's okay.
Does it make me any less thankful to have these babes? Of course not.
Does that make me any less in love with my children?! Don't be ridiculous.
Does it make me a little envious of people who can use all the varied kinds of birth control and skate by without ever wondering why the heck they're starting to feel sick all the time and just.. so.. tired.. And oh wait, oh no... Yep, that's a plus sign..? Well...Yeah. Haha! Not about to lie about that one.
We're officially 0-3 as far as baby planning goes, and for a girl who's always trying to organize and plan and process outcomes of things LOOONG before ever having to face them.. This has proven to be quite a challenge for me, mentally and emotionally.
We're officially 0-3 as far as baby planning goes, and for a girl who's always trying to organize and plan and process outcomes of things LOOONG before ever having to face them.. This has proven to be quite a challenge for me, mentally and emotionally.
Regardless of my initial feelings, however, I've taken much comfort in knowing that we could not be in a more perfect place to be expanding our little family. And no matter how much my heart still grieves over leaving my beloved NYC, we could NOT be doing this if we were still there. God's timing truly is perfect. We have space to grow into here, which we severely lacked in our little corner of East Harlem. We have a fully fenced in backyard where the kids can play for hours without much need for mommy intervention at all, which of course was not the case there. Here we are surrounded by family, and while we had a handful of wonderful close friends in NYC, it's not quite the same as having dozens of aunts, uncles and cousins around the corner. We are blessed to have full maternal health care coverage, completely midwife lead, which is my preference by far, while birthing in NYC is a pretty tough business that I'm not sure I'd be up to dealing with again.. Ultimately, this is the perfect place for us to be. And I am so thankful for that. Even if I didn't know, God knew.
I say it's high time to focus on the positives and joyful moments... Like having Hudson and Charlotte in the checkup with me when we got to hear baby's heartbeat for the first time.. And these little kicks and flutters I've been feeling for a while.. And the crazy amounts of kicks that start up when Hud or Lottie are laying on me... And the excited reactions we get from people when we tell them because "they thought we were done!!" (Ha.. Us too!!)... And the look on Nic's face when I spelled a message out in the sand...
And how Hudson keeps talking about the baby in mama's belly and what the baby's heartbeat sounded like. "Thump, thump, thump, mama!" He likes to lift up the edge of my shirt to see my belly and talk to baby and give my belly kisses. And even likes to take pictures on my phone of my belly profile. Too sweet, that boy. Such a tender little heart.
Lottie still doesn't really understand, and I don't expect her to anytime soon.. But she is going to be a great big sister, I'm sure of it. From the baby to the middle babe.. It's gonna be good for her, our little diva could stand to be taken down a few notches ;)
Lottie still doesn't really understand, and I don't expect her to anytime soon.. But she is going to be a great big sister, I'm sure of it. From the baby to the middle babe.. It's gonna be good for her, our little diva could stand to be taken down a few notches ;)
Alas, joyful or slightly worried, excited or overwhelmed- it is time to face the facts, and my growing waistline (and nausea, and dizzy spells, headaches, cramping, etc)... Because ready or not, this babe will be here before we know it! All the uncertainty and worries will just be a distant memory and we will get to snuggle a precious little squishy, fuzzy headed, tiny babe. And that is something we can all can get excited about!
And believe me, my quest for a thing is not over. I WILL have a thing, one day... Maybe when my kids are all a little older and don't require 100% of my time and energy 100% of the time. Until then, joyfully, this whole mom thing is my "thing."
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart.." Jeremiah 1:5
