It seems like it can be such a taboo topic. It's like everyone "knows" its out there but no one wants to really acknowledge it. Everyone "knows" women breastfeed but they don't really wanna be around it. And I actually can relate! It totally creeped me out.. even throughout my entire pregnancy I couldn't really come to terms with the fact that some day soon a tiny baby would literally be relying on me for milk. Like a calf to a cow. Weird. My own selfish issues aside, I knew it would be what I needed to do and I took advantage of the 9 month period of time to grow more and more accustomed to the idea. It's the way God intended, right?
I think more than anything it was intimidating! I was more afraid of breast feeding than I was of labor itself! No joke. "What if I can't do it well? What if my body won't work the way it is supposed to? I don't know how to do this! How am I supposed to be good at something I don't even know how to do?" Either way I looked at it the day was soon approaching that I would have to plunge into the world of nursing. And I was terrified.
Then the day came.. I gave birth to my perfect baby boy and the nurse handed him to me, in that moment I just knew. It didn't matter how uncomfortable it was, how awkward it felt or how terrified I truly was, I was gonna make it happen. I was going to make sure my son got the very best nutrition possible. And that meant I would need to breastfeed.
9 excruciating, stressful weeks went by and I made the very tough decision to stop nursing and exclusively pump. That sounds crazy, I know. But we had some major issues that got in the way of us being able to do it. Hudson was born tongue tied almost to the very tip of his tongue which made it extremely hard to latch, he also had a very sensitive gag reflex, which meant anytime he actually was able to latch he would wind up choking himself into an absolute fit of rage. We tried everything the nurses, my midwife and lactation consultants sent our way.. I begged mother forums for tips and ideas that could help us to be able to have the important mother child bond that is developed from nursing... Even at 2 weeks old when he got his tongue tie clipped things just never got easier. He literally never happily suckled away like my heart so desperately longed for..
So we decided that I would make use of my awesome pump and I would work to pump multiple times daily and I would bottle feed. A hefty order to say the least, but I was determined that if he wouldn't nurse he'd at least get breast milk and not be on formula. I feel very blessed that my body responded well to that process.. Many women who are not able to nurse don't wind up being able to build a supply high enough to still only feed breast milk.
Anyways, as I opened with earlier, I am now obsessing about my "supply." Over the past months I built up quite a large freezer back stock as I almost always had a lot of milk left over at the end of the day. I had even looked into donating/selling my extra milk for preemies in hospital NICU units. I thankfully was deemed "ineligible" because I got a tattoo in January, and apparently a minimum of 3 months is required to wait after a tattoo to be able to donate any "bodily fluids." I was bothered by that in the moment but now feel blessed because it came in handy!
I was fairly sick about a month ago and was not able to eat properly or keep much food down at all and my milk supply took a sudden massive drop. I went from pumping about 40oz a day to barely getting 20. Hudson blew through the freezer stock and I am now staring at the need to start supplementing with formula. But I am once again looking to friends, strangers, forums, nurses, anyone really who can offer some advice to build my supply back up.. It is an obsession. Truly. I want the best for Hudson, and I know that is my breast milk.
Just a few of the things I have tried; oatmeal every morning for breakfast- which I kid you not, before I got sick ALWAYS did the trick, one bowl of oatmeal and a few hours later I'd be literally "bursting" at the seams needing to pump- Mother's milk organic tea which is meant to help boost milk production and lactation- brewers yeast sprinkled on my food- and sipping wine while I pump (not exactly sure how this one would help but I figured, ah what the heck!) I would try the fenugreek pills but I have a hard enough time getting one mutli-vitamin down daily- I can't bring myself to aiming for 6-9! Slowly but surely my supply is creeping back up.. I just wish it would hurry.
In all honesty, I am pretty heart broken by the fact that nursing didn't properly work out for us... but at the end of the day, I can rest knowing I have given it my all. I have genuinely tried everything that I could. And besides, there are plenty of perfectly healthy babies in the world that have had nothing but formula.. so the occasional bottle here or there isn't the end of the world. I have to be okay with that.
Not sure where this came from or why I felt the need to discuss breast milk with you all but there you have it.. Now you know yet another intimate detail about my life.
Much love and God bless!
