Things I have learned..

I was up late feeding Hudson a few nights ago and started thinking, about our past year, everything we have been through, all of the trials we have faced, and really just thanking the Lord for bringing us through it all.

Something that really struck me were the lessons I feel like we have learned (and am still learning, really). It's like we have been forced to grow up in so many ways, forced to face things we never thought we would face and I can definitely say its been rough, but well worth it. I think the biggest thing I have learned is to NEVER say never. To be flexible. Yes, I realize this is already a saying. And an over-used one at that. It is already the life motto of many people, and even the clever little song of many cartoon characters.. But in this past year I have had to learn to live it. I like things to be under control, my control, and steady. And as anyone who has lived life for any amount of time, life typically doesn't go as planned.

For one thing, this time last year I still didn't know I was pregnant with Hudson. Finding out we were pregnant in itself was a stretching situation. I was in the midst of an internal battle with the Lord. I knew something was up, I knew something was different but I also knew I couldn't be pregnant! I mean, I had just gotten married. I had just gotten home from my honeymoon. And more-so, Nic had JUST been laid off. No way, no how, not now, Lord. I was convinced that it was the return of my cystic ovaries (PCOS) that I had been diagnosed with when I was 18. Which, of course, brought on a whole different range of arguments with the Lord. I thought He had healed me of this ailment. I was struggling, to say the least. Well long story short- and quite obviously at this point, I was in fact pregnant.

Being pregnant is an entire world built on expectancy, I mean, the most common book to read while prego is "What to Expect When You're Expecting." It walks you through, week-by-week, month to month. It tells you all the different things that could happen, what sorts of questions to ask at your check ups, and most importantly- what labor would/could look like. I began to compile this list of my "absolute's" and my "never's."

I wanted a midwife, not a doctor. I wanted a water birth, all natural, no drugs. I wanted only 3 people present for the birth (me, my husband and midwife). I wanted him to come early, or at least on my due date! I wanted a special, intimate occasion free of stress and free of outside issues. I wanted to be able to breastfeed with no complications or issues. I wanted perfection.

I would NEVER set foot in a hospital. NEVER have any medications, shots, or IV's. NEVER deliver in a room full of people. And I NEVER let anything get in the way of that. I would NEVER feed my son anything but breastmilk. I would NEVER give him a bottle. Never, never, never seemed to flood my vocabulary.

Well, guess what? I was soooooooooooo wrong. About everything.

After 50 long hours of laboring on my own, at the birthing center and at home, I was stuck. Hudson was stuck. And we had to go to a hospital. A midst other extreme stress factors playing into the entire situation, I was absolutely broken. Everything changed and I had no control whatsoever.

I birthed in a hospital, with a doctor (thankfully my midwife was also present but did not get to deliver herself). I had an epidural, an IV and a somewhat intrusive monitor that had to be placed on Hudson's head while he was still inside of me. I had a vacuum extraction because Hudson was stuck in such a precarious position, I had a room full of strangers watch me deliver. And I had an absolutely less than perfect world to bring my son into. And to top it off, my poor wee boy was tongue tied and could not latch worth anything, even after weeks of trying we never got the hang of it. I could not get over it... I even still to this day find myself asking the Lord about how everything came to be.

No matter what the issues may be or have been, at the end of the day, the most important thing is that Hudson is here and made it safely. He is a healthy baby boy and Nic and I are absolutely in love with him.

I often sit back and think about that experience, the days leading up to it and the days that followed. I feel like it was just yesterday and still somehow ages ago. We have grown up in so many ways and while I still have have some unanswered questions- life goes on. All around me. Day in and day out- Nic works- I work (at home but still.) - our families lives continue hours and hours away- friends live their lives-and Hudson never ceases to capture every ounce of our attention. Life doesn't stop just because something happened that we don't like. Or because something happened that we couldn't control. We must learn to realize this.

Nic and I just came out of a 21-day fast.. We did a modified "Daniel Fast" I suppose-we basically followed a "no meats, no sweets, no alcohol" guideline. We were fasting for some breakthrough on our current situation.

Breakthrough.. You wait for it. You pray for it. You fast for it. And one day, there it is. Or.. in our case.. isn't. We still have no answers. And while it is tough to understand why- we are still pressing forward. In the limbo of not knowing what our lives may look like in a few short months.

There are so many options that lie before us- and the hardest part is to not let other people's desires for our lives influence our decision! Ultimately, we have the job of choosing what is best for our family and for Hudson.

I so badly wish that I could make everyone happy.. just one of my many downfalls. But in order for everyone to be happy in this case.. we would somehow have to find a way to live in Kansas City, Albuquerque, OC, and New Zealand all at once while somehow finding a way to have our music be our source of income. Oh and somehow be leading worship fulltime at a church in each of those towns. Sound complicated enough? Don't forget making sure our lil man (and future children) are happy, educated and stable.

Le sigh.

We will figure it out. I have no doubt about that. I just can't promise it will be anytime soon ;)