I fell in love with this show a few years ago thanks to none other than my best friend, Amanda. She bought me the 8th season for my highschool graduation gift and from then I was hooked. Before we ever lived together we would hang out at her house and watch episode after episode. Then we moved in together and the obsession continued. And before long, I went out and purchased the entire series. This was back when I had money to just spend on whatever my heart desired. Now we have much better things to be spending money on.. diapers, wipes, onsies, things of the sort. :)
Anyways- I tend to throw in a couple dvd's from time to time just to have background noise in the house other than the dishwasher or dryer. And then there are the times I start from disc 1 and go all the way through 40. Not necessarily watching each episode again, but certainly hearing them while I play with Hudson or while he naps and I go about my day to day routine. I'm on disc 12 at the moment... should be another few weeks before I finish. I keep telling myself that I can't possibly be the only person who does this sort of thing.. right?
I just like having sound in my house- music, IHOP webstream, movies, anything to keep my mind churning and my ears happy. Silence is nice every once in a while but really- when is it ever truly quiet? If you're in your car there's the sound of your engine or is you have one of those really quiet cars its the sound of wind or other vehicles around you. In your house there's a water heater turning off and on throughout the day, in my case a baby learning all of his ooh's, aah's and gaguhladababa's. Then of course, living downtown, we have grown accustomed to all sorts of outside noises making there way into our home- police sirens, fire engine horns, the occasional gunshot, etc. There is never a truly quiet moment in my life.. So I figure I may as well make the most of the constant noise and fill the sound waves with sounds that I like. Maybe one day we'll live out in the country where silence is a little easier to come by.
People tend to make New Year's Resolutions this time of year, pledge to start habits and break old ones. I just like to think of the brand new year as a chance to do such a thing- not necessarily vow to "exercise every day" or "eat healthier" or "stop being lazy" cause those sorts of things tend to go by the wayside long before Valentine's day makes its way around. Instead, I like to look back on my past year, think of the things that maybe held me back, or could use some adjusting and try my best to make that happen. I don't want to make promises to myself that I know I won't keep. This year I am going to try to read through my entire bible without stopping and thankfully there's an app for that. And a reminder on my phone each day set at 5pm.
I also really want to beat out an ailment that has had me held captive since I was about 12.. It's fairly hard to talk about, extremely embarrassing to be honest... Anyhow, it's a compulsive disorder called trichotillomania and just about the only "cure" for it is to be put on behavior meds for anxiety and antidepressants. And that is just something I refuse to do. I will not let a pill begin to dictate my life. What exactly is trichotillomania? It's a little tough to explain. I suppose if you were really curious you could just do a quick google search and read up on it.. It is an obsessive compulsive habit of pulling out one's hair. I can actually remember it all the way back to when I was 7-I had been pulling out my eyelashes, one at a time, to the point where I would keep them in nice tiny little piles on my desk at school. My dad noticed first and he tried to warn me about what would happen if I kept doing it. Whatever it was that he said it did scare me into stopping. Not for long however- I moved onto my eyebrows. I would pick and pull until I had bald spots.. usually on the right eyebrow. And it was embarrassing but I just could not stop. I usually didn't even notice that I was doing it!
That lasted all the way through 6th grade when I started picking and pulling at my head. I can remember almost like it was yesterday, at one of my friend's houses, I had picked one specific spot so much that there was a fully bald patch the size of a quarter on the back of my head, she noticed. In fact, she AND her mom AND her sister all took notice. I can only imagine how many shades of red I turned that day... Her mom came in for a close look and determined that I must have been sleeping with a ponytail too tight and that it was ripping out my hair in that specific spot. First of all, I was mortified but secondly, there it was.. my perfect excuse. From them on, whenever someone noticed the thinning patch anywhere on my head I just casually would brush it off with my classic "too tight, too high ponytail" excuse and silently vow to NEVER pull at my hair again. But before I knew it, I'd drift off into this world and have a pile of hair on the floor next to me. I literally just can't stop and it kills me. There's even an overwhelming sense of anxiety that comes alongside it if I get interrupted. So strange, I know.
I see women with full heads of hair, gorgeous haircuts, beautiful hair styles and it just breaks my heart because I fear that I will never be able to come close to having a head of hair like that. Of course, I have found crafty ways of hiding it, or styling my hair so that it is all hidden. Even at 16, I decided to stop having my hair professionally cut because I was sick of the embarrassment and sick of them rolling their eyes at my "ponytail" excuse. So, I started cutting my own hair. Yep. 6 long years of pretty much the exact same haircut.
I never shared my struggle with anyone until I met Nic.. We would always play the "secret telling" game that newly in love kids tend to do in a quest to get to know their love as quickly as possible. I felt like such an idiot, coming clean, sharing such an intimate detail of my life. I told of my silent and yet often obvious humiliation as well as my strive to find ways to beat it. I have prayed countless times to be delivered from this and even with the Lord holding off on my deliverance day, I look at it as a chance to overcome. I need this. It has been 2 years since I shared with Nic, and since then he has helped me to become way more aware of when I start to pick. We have tried various "methods" to get me to be able to stop. And that has been very enlightening, but now I am at a crossroads. Just being "aware" of it has not helped me to slow down... Or at least not very much.
This year, it all ends. I will overcome. I will even get my hair cut by a professional. I WILL stop making excuses. It will be hard. It will take some time. But in the end, if I can beat this.. I will know that I literally can do anything. With the Lord's help and my husband by my side, of course. :)
That is all for now. Have a wonderful and blessed day! And say a prayer for me if ya think of it :)
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