I suck at this.

Blogging, that is.



My life has taken on an entirely new pace and I love it. I'm no longer busy because of a work schedule or school schedule.. Nope, Jesus has taken over my schedule. And I mean that in the least sacreligious way possible. Haha!



I am in classes from 9am-noon daily. These classes, however, are NOTHING like typical university level classes. This is downright, get full of the Word, sermon style lessons. It feels like I go to church 6 days a week. (Saturday is my day off, can I get an AMEN for a Sabbath?! Haha) On top of these classes I have an extra FMA class- for the first 1/2 of the semester it is a class called "The Valuable Everyone." We've been studying all sorts of personality types and in turn have been learning how to communicate well with people who have entirely different personalities than our own. (This has ALREADY come in handy.. I met a couple people in my first days here and was absolutely DREADING being around them and I am to the point that I will gladly take part in a conversation. Haha) And the 2nd half of semester this will be a choir class. Woot :) And on top of THAT I am in our Global Prayer Room for 28 hours a week. I bumped that from our minimun requirement of 24 hours.. I never thought that being in a prayer room for 2-6hour blocks would really be something I could handle but I am growing to love it more and more each week! Crazy, I know.. :)

I moved into a 4plex and its amazing! I have 14 lady neighbors and 5 men neighbors. I would not have it any other way! We're like big family! We have weekly gatherings and fun times :) We had a sushi night, picnic day, and worship night(s)! I LOVE this place.

I have truly found my 'home' :)

Days Away

Although my faith in mankind has mostly been restored I'm still in a bit of a pickle. My heart is absolutey torn between two completely contrasting ideas.. Please keep me in your prayers- I need to find clarity ASAP.

I'm about a week from moving away from Albuquerque and the reality has yet to fully set in. I realize that alot of the people that I am seeing now won't be there for me to hang out with 2 weeks from now- I may never see some of these people ever again and that is an all too strange feeling. Also, I've begun the laborious task of packing up and let me just say- my closet full of clothes and shoes have taken up 8 boxes- and thats just the beginning.. I sure hope that my new place has a big closet!! Haha.

Speaking of new places- I thought I had a house secured- I sent in my security deposit- everything- only problem is that when I was reading through the lease it very discreetly mentions NO PETS. Uhmmm.. I have 2 babies that MUST make it to KC with me so I'm not really sure what to do about this. God knows whats going on and I know He will show me what to do.. He has gotten me this far and I know He won't let me down. He knows what I need.. Its just around the corner, yeah?

My best friend left today to go pick up her booshkey- he's been in Iraq for 3 months and comes home today! Well- comes to Denver.. and then home. I am very excited for her tho! This will be a really great day for her, probably a day she will never forget. I'm a bit worried that the Kris and Mandi hang out time has officially ended 'cause I dont really know when she gets back and I leave on Friday. Pthhhhhh...I won't lie, that pretty much breaks my heart.. I'm not really sure what to do about that lady.. I feel like we're growing apart and I think it may be on purpose.. ya know? To make it less hard when I leave? I dunno.

Anyhow- I should probably be doing something productive.. Like packing... yeah.

Love always-

Thoughts for Food.

Sooo wow.. just when you think you know someone.. just when you think you've figured everything out.. just when it really feels "right"... just when you decide that this crazy "Plan B" idea is truly that, crazy... a Mac truck drives with full force towards your head and makes no indication of slowing..

What the hell?

What is so hard about being honest? What is so hard about sharing things that if NOT shared could be a breaking point??

Here are a few things I will never understand:
1. How it is so easy to go from being 100% to feeling like throwing in the towel all within a matter of seconds. This can't be a good sign. No?
2. Why people can't say what it is that they ACTUALLY mean to say. I understand needing a bit of time to gather your thoughts, but if your gonna break someone's heart, you better do so eloquently.
3. Men.

Good Lord, I need some help. Theres a knot in my throat the size of a grapefruit and I have a feeling its gonna break loose here in the next few moments.

I honestly don't know what to do right now. I don't know how to handle this- which is something I am not very accustomed to. People come to ME for answers and I usually have them. Only now, in the midst of my struggle, I've got nothin. I'm coming up pretty empty handed. This is incredibly difficult.

This gives my crazy "Plan B" idea much more foundation to stand on. Maybe I should just go for it?

So sorry for being quite vague. We'll see how much I can share in the near future.

Firecracker

I have spent the past month consumed with all that is fireworks. Being in the office preparing for tents all over New Mexico to open, running 2 tents with Jake and just finished up the return center today! Needless to say- I am a bit exhausted. However- tomorrow my family (including significant others and our cousin, Brandon) is eading up to our cabin for some much needed R&R! To top that we get to take Patricks boat to the lake nearby! Woo yeah! I'm gonna be so tan its not even funny.

I am moving away from my home in less than a month and I find that to be very unsettling. I don't understand why- but this move that used to make me BEYOND excited is suddenly making me want to pass out with unwanted anxiety. I have yet to find a place to live and I am needin some help from my Heavenly Father. I can't be in control of everything all of the time- haven't I said that before? I feel like that will definitely be a lifelong struggle. Haha. Its a good thing I can realize that I am human!

I am pretty tired and I still need to pack- but I realized that it had been a while since I wrote on here so I needed to drop by and say hello. Sooooo...



Hey!


Oh yeah and PS- My birthday is on the 20th! What are YOU getting me?? Lol. Just joking :)

Scatter{B.R.A.I.N.E.D.}

I have so much to say, so little desire to say it and yet all the desire in the world to get it OFF MY CHEST.

I can't really tell which way is up right now. My head is spinning.

Here goes nothing...

To start things off, I suppose I could say hello. Its been a while, no? Life has been nonstop for me in these past months. The only reason my Facebook and Twitter get updated is because I can do all of that from my handy dandy cell phone. And this, this fun blog, must only be updated from my laptop. Which the time I spend on it has become increasingly low. I'm sure that it will pick up once I am at FMA.

Since leaving (er, getting booted from) Saxbys, I have been working a VERY part-time job for an Allstate agent. All my job entails is driving around Albuquerque on various "routes" dropping off brochures and candy in hopes that my smiling face and ever-so-thought-out words would persuade them to purchase some sort of insurance from my boss. Mind you, I wasn't even making enough to cover my rent sooo maxed out credit cards? Yeah, I have 2. Anyways, Tuesday morning I went into work to staple business cards, arrange candy and gummi bears, you know, my usual and BAM my boss "pulled the plug on my position." Woooo. Awesome. Wasn't all that shocked... I just expect these sorts of things now-a-days.

I really don't want this to be an angry or a sad post- but I can see that's what it is turning into. I wish I were in one of my perky, look on the bright side, kind of moods.. but I'm really not. I'll try, though, really, I will. I don't know what has brought on this, unfortunately, melancholy attitude but I am certainly sure of one thing- I already have a solution to this sadness- its just the waiting part that I am struggling with. I guess I lied though, I do know what spurred my sudden drop in cheerfulness I just really, REALLY don't want to get into it that...Its not worth the energy and definitely not worth your time. And we're only scratching the surface of all I have to say. If you're looking for a pick me up- move on.

Speaking of moving on- who's ready to get the heck out of Albuquerque?! Oh, yeah!! That's me!

Albuquerque has been good to me, no doubt, but it is time for me to leave. It's all the same. I see all the same things. I go to all the same places. Most things remind me of people or experiences that I am more than ready to leave behind, not forget, just move on from. I am just so done with the redundancy, I have gotten everything that I possibly can out of this city. I need newness, freshness, purity... None of those things are here anymore. And I certainly don't want to take the time to find them.

I have spent the better part of 7 years trying to make new friends, keep current friends happy, and leave the ones that are better left behind. The latter has always been very hard for me... And I'm afriad that no matter how adamant I am about just "walking away," and leaving the past behind, part of me will still always want to try to make it seem like theres a chance, part of me will always want to send that one little text to see if they wanna talk, or hang out next time I'm in town. I just dont get it.

What is so hard about keeping in touch? Why is it nearly impossible to keep in contact with friends that you don't see every single day? I am sometimes AMAZED by the few people I wind up being in touch with. Is it just me? Am I the only one who struggles with this?! I am so sick of one-sided friendships! You know what I'm talkling about- the friend who only calls when they need a favor, a phone number, a ride. The friend who suddenly appears back into your life when your significant other is in town. Then there's the friend that you text and call and send emails to and guess what? YOU'RE the only one putting forth any effort to be in touch, to hang out, to spend time. It kills me. There must be something fundamentaly unlikeable about me or something because some people seem to avoid me like the plague. Do I smell? Is that it?

Here's another couple questions: Is this what I have to look forward to in KC or is it just the friends I have here?! Like- is this how people are everywhere? Maybe I just expect too much out of people, out of friends. Maybe I should just expect that the only people I will be in close communication with is my family. (Again includes Mullaney's, Hopkins, Mandi and Catie) Maybe I am the one to blame- maybe I am some terrible excuse for a friend and I've had it all wrong all along.

Or maybe God really is just trying to give me an easier excuse to LET GO and MOVE ON, I am afterall, moving because He made it possible. He opened the doors...

I don't know. I am just so bummed about all of it, really. I guess all I can say is good riddance to ya.

And then there's Jake. Augh.

I hope other couples go through this cause if not then we could be in for some trouble but...I don't know what it is- we go through "phases." One phase could be wanting to spend every moment together and being super sweet and loving 24/7 to the next phase which is bugging the hell out of each other. We were having like THE best relationship ever- up until my last visit to Kansas. And now- I am so frustrated by him. I figured once summer came and we weren't so stressed and we could spend some "quality" time together everything would work itself out but no. I am just finding myself closer and closer to the verge of tears at almost all hours of the day. And most of it would probably go away if I could actually TALK about what I am upset about the MOMENT I get bugged because then, in his wonderful Jake way, he could explain it all away and I'd be fine. But I have this stupid way of needing to think things through and rationalize and by the time I have thought it all through its been so long since it happened he'd think I was crazy for bringing it up. *sigh* I just might cry now. Ugh.

And then there's always my biggest fear. That horrible insecurity that I just can't shake that always seems to catch me by the throat and take hold for as long as I can stand it. Why do I do this? Its like self-sabotage. No joke. I know its crazy. I know its irrational. But then- then I have a moment where I convince myself that its my "woman intuition" and that I am totally right. Only I don't want to be right because that would absolutely crush my very being... You know what I mean? No? Sorry... I'm kinda all over the place.

Oh and to top it ALL off- I keep telling myself that I HAVE to trust God completely. I HAVE to let Him be in control. I HAVE GOT TO LEARN TO LET THE LITTLE THINGS GO. Why can't I do that? Why is it so hard for me? It stresses me out that I get so stressed out about things that I shouldn't even be worrying about. And then guess what? I'm so stressed that I pull at my own hair. Literally! Not even kidding. I don't even notice that I do it most of the time! I've been so stressed out about potential nothings for so long that I'm getting bald spots! WTF?! How! Why! I just hate this! I don't know how to stop either. Do they have pills for people who are complete messes and are balding because of their own dumbness? Maybe a shampoo? I don't know. Lord, help me.

I feel like crying and screaming and pounding something really hard.

Sheesh. I should get a grip, huh?


Hug? Please? Someone??

Just a thought....

Why on earth do people have to walk around naked in gym locker rooms?!

Honestly. No one wants to see that, and quite frankly it makes me very uncomfortable. Big, small, old, young, tan, ivory- I don't care. I don't wanna see you in your birthday suit. Whats with the lack of privacy? Lack of MODESTY?!

Don't get me wrong- I get it- you change clothes in a locker room, you shower, you freshen up- whatever. Its not the nakedness that I have a problem with- I'm sure people have seen a slip of a Kristin boob or tushie-thats not my issue! The thing I have a problem with is the blatant act of dropping your towel and walking clear across the locker room, staring in the mirror for a few minutes and then bouncing around for another 30 as though no one else was in the area, slathering lotion, brushing your hair, applying makeup, before finally- FINALLY- putting clothes on your shamelessly naked body.

C'mon people! This has got to stop!

This whole "love the body you're in" campaign is being taken to the extreme. Yes, women should be comfortable in their God-given bodies. But should everyone else have to suffer awkward glances and uncomfortable situations because of it? Ah gees. I just can't hardly stand it.

And then there are the women who wear close to nothing in the actual gym. You know you've seen that lady. The one in the sports bra and spandex booty shorts. Of course you've seen them, you can't NOT see them. Your eye catches this glimpse of a shockingly bare body and you almost can't look away until- 'Oh no, she's looking my way!' and you have to suddenly pretend that you really meant to overflow your water bottle while standing at the water fountain.

Is this scantily clad woman here to work out? Or is she here on the prowl?? I say the latter.

And its not always even a super hottie, size 2, rock hard abs, belongs in a centerfold, woman that dresses this way. I've seen it all! Cellulite spilling out of the bottom of biking shorts, back fat unmercifully protruding from the edges of a sports bra, a God-awful orange colored tan leaking from every pore that didn't feel the need to be covered by what we 21st century folks call clothes.

Ok, cool. Some people just want to feel the freedom of complete nakedness, the feeling that there is absolutely NOTHING holding them back. Save it for the nudey beach, friend.

Some folks just want to feel sexy. As though all eyes are on them because they are just too hott to handle. Save it for the bedroom, honey.

And thats all for now.

Just When You Think You've Got It All Under Control:

BAM!

God throws a curve ball.

I just don't know what to say.

I walked into work on March 6th thinking that all in the world was right and wonderful and normal. Then one of my bosses came in with a very strange "energy" and told me that another one of my bosses would be by to meet with me. I got kinda nervous simply because they never beat around the bush like that- they only have that sorta "energy" when something is wrong. So Ali came in around 11am and asked to speak with me ASAP. I stopped all that I was doing and went out to the patio to find out what was going on. She proceeded to tell me that my shop had been sold to new owners, that I would, as of that evening, be working for new bosses. I took all of this with a grain of salt. I knew that we had been hurting recently and what the shop really needed were owners that could be proactivve and be there almost 24/7. Anyhow- the new couple shows up towards the end of my meeting with Ali and I go straight into a meeting with them. We talked about the future, talked about how excited they were to work there, how stoked I was to show them the "ropes." Blah, blah, blah.

To make a long, frustrating, and painful story short-

They fired me. With no notice. They told customers that I was "no longer with them" before they even let me know that I no longer had a job. I confronted them on that Sunday. And then offered me a job 1/2 the pay rate of what I was making and for 1/4th the hours.

Hell-to-the-no.

Needless to say, I have no idea what to do with my life. I am just sitting around waiting for God to show me what to do.

Oddly enough, I am totally and completely at peace with all of this. I know God isn't surprised by what happened. I know He knows what I need to be doing. I just need to learn that I can't be in control. I HAVE to fully trust in HIM.

Thankfully, one of my old bosses felt terrible about what happened and offered me a job at his insurance agency. Only- its no where close to fulltime. So I think a 2nd job will be coming shortly.

Keep me in your prayers, please. Lord knows I need them.



Other than all these shenanigans with Saxbys, life has been wonderful. I got to see Jake for 10 days in-a-row! We had a blast in San Fran/Aracta. It was a much needed vacay. Things at the church are going really well- I am building a worship team and it is getting better and better every Sunday. I was able to finally send in the rest of my application to FMA. I got an email letting me know they are processing my app. Harvey is a terror- but still, I love him. Peanut is an angry, old, cenile kitty- but she likes me still which, really, at this point is all I can ask for. Shel and Audge's Sweet 16 Party went REALLY well- Jake and I took the roles of "monitor" while Polly and Steve tried to stay out of the picture. We kept an eye on the incredible # of boys that showed up to their party. Their were a couple lingering afterwards that Jake had to give the boot. Sorry- no kisses boys! Haha. I'm on Season 6 of Friends and I started on the Monday after I got fired, had a whole week off and and back in the swing of watching it at an almost constant rate :)


I move in 4 months and 1 week. WOOOOOT!