Cars Toons, Pumpkin Muffins and Pink Little Bows.

The time has come.

It is once again time that I sit down, have my morning cup of delicious and tell you tales of all the things that make this life great. Time to relax, rub my belly, and turn on a movie to keep Hudson occupied.

What was that? I let my toddler watch TV?!

Yes. Yes, I do. And no, his brain is not turning to mush.

Anyways, I do believe the last time I checked in I was sporting a teeny little baby bump that rivaled that of a skinny girl who claims to be "fat" and then pushes out what little bit of belly there is.. But these days I most certainly have a belly. And that sucker cannot be sucked in. Nor can it be contained in my zip up hoodie. Truly unfortunate considering the fact that Winter has decided to stick around MUCH longer than anyone could have desired. Global warming? I don't buy it. Climate change? Okay, maybe. And I realize they're one in the same but I just can't get on board with anyone saying things are getting "warmer" around here. Call me crazy but I tend to remember Spring Break usually happening around March time.. and up until about 5 years ago I remember those breaks from school being t-shirt and flip-flop worthy. BUT! Returning to the real topic at hand....Ah yes. Big fat prego belly! (Okay, normal sized prego belly.) Check this baby out!

Took this on Monday.. So as you can imagine, not much has changed. Except for maybe the fact that I have since showered :)

As for the Pumkin Muffins reference in my title, I am somewhat happy that the cold weather has stuck around because this means I can feel NO shame in baking pumkiny things. Like muffins. Or banana pumpkin bread. I just adore baked goods made with pumpkin- I don't know what it is about the flavor but I just can't get enough! Such a constant addiction to having pumpkin things in my home (even though my husband won't join in on the action.. leaving me to eat the entire loaf alone or find neighbors and friends who don't mind partaking in such an autumny treat!)  moved my dear friend Jenny to ask me to teach her how to make the Banana Pumpkin bread I'd shared with her. They don't really make these sorts of things in Germany, nor do they make anything along the lines of Sweet Potato Casserole. She had some of that back I made it for Thanksgiving and we decided to just make an evening of it! We had a blast making and baking sweet things. And my goodness, it felt like Fall had arrived all over again. Delicious!

We found out a few short weeks ago that we will be needing to clear some space... and by some I mean ALOT. Why? Well this little wriggle worm in my belly is sporting an already dramatic hand resting above the eyebrow look, and will soon be gracing us with HER presence and all the many many things that come along with her arrival. Oh, my heart. I am so excited to be able to say that we are having a girl!!! Her name is still undecided- but I feel like we will know when we see her. Until then we are happy to call her baby girl.. and even occasionally by the name we had picked out before we found out what she would be. Something about it tho- once we knew for sure that she was indeed a she- we just can't commit to a name. Haha. Oh well! As I said, I am sure once we see that precious little face we will know.

In Due Time.

Let's see... I haven't made it on since before Thanksgiving, right?

My, my! The things you all have missed out on!

Not to worry though, I will update you in the best way I know how.. with my words :)

{November:}

Not too long after my last post Nic went on his usual monthly business trip to OKC annnd I began suspecting that there might be a little someone beginning to make his/herself comfortable for a 9 month long stay.. It took every ounce of my will power to wait for a reasonable time to take an at home test (okay..2) and I lasted until the day before Nic was to come home.... And well... There they were. 2 big fat pink plus signs. Yes indeedio- Hansen babe #2 is arriving sometime in July!! SO.. I had to decide whether to tell Nic over the phone or try to surprise him in some cute way.. and although I could barely contain myself I decided on the latter. Hudson and I ventured to Target to find a "big brother" type shirt and my first round of Ginger Ale. I put some cute pictures on the little chalk board we write love notes on, spelled out "We are prego," with Hudson's Alphabet Magnets on the fridge, and left the positive tests in a very conspicuous place. Just waiting for his arrival and curious to know which hint he would notice first.. Nearly needless to say-- I couldn't hardly give him enough time to make it through the front door before guhisng-- "DID YOU SEE HUDSON'S NEW SHIRT??!!!" *Big cheesy grin.* And he did.. then just looked at me mystified-- "You're prego?!?!" My smile must have been the giveaway because I hardly had time to say, "YES!" before he hoisted me up into a bear hug and swung me around the kitchen. I'd think it's safe to say he's pretty excited as well. We have spent the weeks since finding out just dreaming up what this new life with 2 babies will be like.  My parents came to town soon after for Thanksgiving, which was just lovely! We decided to tell them even though I was only about 5 weeks along. We went with the cute "Brother" themed shirt for Hudson again and it took them ages  to put the two and two together.. They both claimed it was because they knew we had been given a lot of Ryan's hand-me-downs so they just assumed it was from that. BUT, of course, once they figured it out they were full of smiles and excitement as well. We have been met with nothing but support and excitement since the day we found out and we just could not be happier!! Poor wee Hudson and my mom managed to catch a cold in the middle of their stay which stuck us indoors for a few days but the AppleTV gifted to us by my parents made the days go by much quicker. We adventured around the city during the remainder of their stay and tried to take in as many sights as possible! 

Surpriiiiise!! Due July 23!

Our First Official NYC Visitors

Bad quality photo.. but fun memory! Thanksgiving Spread with my parents, the Kennedy's and Jenny!

{December:} 

We had fun dreaming up cute ways to tell the rest of our families and decided on waiting until we were in Cali to share with the Hansen's and that we would send silly notes for the Mullaney's along with their Christmas gifts. Nic had an idea to send H and I for a surprise early arrival to California since he'd be spending a week in OKC. So H and I made our way out to the West Coast on the 15th and gave about 1/2 the family a nice surprise (Mum knew, Tash figured it out and Ryan came along for the pick-up at the airport..) Nic arrived about a week later! Which is when we broke the fantastic news using a homemade shirt for wee man. Based from an idea I saw on Pinterest, naturally! Don't even get me started on the difficult task of concealing early pregnancy symptoms amidst a HUGE family and my Father-in-law constantly dropping, "So you're pregnant?!" jokes.... Haha. While we were there Hudson caught a ridiculous stomach bug on Christmas Eve someone had brought to church the day before.. Everyone in the family but Mark, Tash and Ryan caught some form of it! It was just miserable.. I think lil guy had it the worst and for the longest amount of time but regardless- it sucked. And seeing my lil guy so sick was absolutely heartbreaking!! Once he felt better he had lots of fun playing with his aunties and uncles and on the dirt bikes, quad and go-karts. Such an awesome trip!

Hudson wouldn't leave Nic's side once he arrived in CA.. Too cute. These two are best buds.

See? Best of friends. Doing stupid things together. 

Hudsy and his Auntie :)

Awesome.

Love our littlefam

{January:}

A wonderful and busy time... After arriving home from Cali we settled back into our normal lives rather quickly. And were thankful to be back in our own space. We finally got to take our friend George to Arthur Ave (accordingly the real Little Italy of NYC) in the Bronx for a fun day of Genuine Italian feast and fare. We bought tons of fresh pasta and fresh cheeses and sausages. Just scrumptious! George treated us to some delicious pastries and a fantastic family style Italian lunch (all so wonderful for this prego) and now Nic wants to go back every single weekend. Haha.. We had a fun adventure with Tyson and Alee to see the train "display" at Grand Central... we all expected something a little more grandiose than what we experienced but it was still cool nonetheless! It's a long story that I won't get into (what??!) but we made plans for a somewhat last minute trip to KC. Ultimately 2 days before we were meant to leave the very issue we were going for was resolved. Thank you, Jesus! So we just got to enjoy a nice little long weekend in our old home.. Staying in one of the fancy hotel's Nic worked for, visiting as many friends as possible and eating as much of our favorite foods our tummies could handle. It was great! It really made me miss all our friends.. but it was a nice reminder that we are in the right place. NYC is our new home and we love it.

Kelly and Salem at breakfast in KC (up top) Hiding behind the curtain's at the Sorge's (just above) 

Our little pro travel buddy..

Home, Sweet Home

Which brings me to.....

{February:}
We are almost halfway through this month and we have already had so many fun things happen.. And some not-so-fun unfortunately. Poor Hudson has been plagued with this awful cold that just won't go away since we came home from KC. He's had high fevers, fever free days and then more fevers. It has been such a strange thing to get used to.. Hudson spent his first year of life totally healthy (aside from colic and milk allergy issues.. I don't think they really count) and since moving to NYC he has seemingly had one cold/cough after the other! Please be praying for his little immune system to get used to this filthy city. Last week Nic and Tyson ventured to Jersey to see a hockey game and I had Alee, Jenny and Jill over for what was meant to be a movie night but we wound up talking instead. (Shocker, right?! haha) This past weekend Nic gave me some freedom from the sick toddler to go have some cupcakes and play games Greenwich Village and then we all met to make homemade pizza's at Tyson and Alee's apartment! 

I am 17 weeks today and we are sure to be finding out soon whether we will be buying pink or pulling out Hudson's old stuff! Squeeee! I can't hardly wait. The deal is that if I have the ultrasound while Nic is out of town I can ask them to conceal the gender in an envelope and we can have a party when he returns.. Heh. [Otherwise we will just find out right then and there] Who would have ever thought that "gender reveal" parties would be such a huge trend in the 2010's??

Teeny Baby Bump @ 17 weeks. Not too shabby for 2nd time around!

Much love to you all and God Bless!

Christmas Cards and Things That Make You Go, "Awww!"

Well, you may not know this, but I am quite the successful card-maker.

And by card-maker, I mean, I make pretty simple homemade greeting cards. And by successful I mean I have completed 2 orders.. both from the same person. But you gotta start somewhere, right? I made a birthday card for my dear friend's son's first birthday and her mother liked it so much she asked me to make her about 40 cards, some "Apple" themed because she is a preschool teacher and some "Christmassy." So I have been busting my butt these past couple weeks or so, using spare moments to cut out Christmas trees, or reindeer antlers, or hole punch some white paper to make snow-flakes, or glue teeny tiny paper eyeballs onto my gingerbread men.. And I have got to be honest- while I love it- it has been a bit more challenging than I expected! I tend to seek perfection when it comes to any project I set my heart to and when I can't deliver that perfection that I long for I become extremely discouraged, extremely quickly. That and I just kept drawing blanks with what to make or what to have them look like. Usually I get about a gazillion ideas all at once for any kind of theme I may want to adhere to but this time, Christmas cards-- my favorite holiday? This was the one that stumped me? So strange. But oh well. Needless to say, I am looking forward to putting this project behind me and very much so hopeful that she will like and appreciate them for their "homemade" value.

Just a few of my Christmas creations.. Not too bad, right??

We have been having such strange weather here as of late, if Sandy wasn't enough we got our first snow just 2 days ago! From treacherous wind and rain storms to freezing cold temp's with snow and then back to beautiful fall days.. All within about 2 weeks. Haha. So much fun! But certainly not for those still without power or resources.. I just can't even imagine.

This was from outside our front door.. Just after it started sticking! We got about another 2 inches after this. 

     

We have been letting Hudson wear his summery shoes with socks up until snow day.. We knew it was time to stop making him look like nerd and finally get the kid some weather appropriate shoes. But woooow... Did you guys know that toddler shoes were so dang expensive?? We have always stuck to the clearance shelves so we never got the full price on shoes but this time around we had to pay retail.. and oh my word... $40 for teeny tiny shoes that he will grow out of in a couples months, if that!!? Yikes. I really gotta find some thrift stores in our area. We, of course, love our son SO much and want him to be well clothed and in things that fit and are seasonally appropriate but gees... I don't even spend that much on new shoes for myself. We will find the loophole, that I promise you.

We also stocked up (okay, 2 of each seems fair enough, right?) on mittens and warm hats! This one probably won't make it outside of our own home but we just couldn't resist :)

And here he is running around the park last week {clearly pre-snow storm- still sporting his summer shoes.. ;) }

In other news, my parents will be making the trek up here for Thanksgiving! 10 glorious days of uninterrupted grandparent time.. I think we are all looking forward to it.. Thanksgiving day parade, Christmas music, adventures all around the city. Not to mention my very first time to cook a whole Thanksgiving meal!! Fun memories lie ahead, I am sure of it.


We had hoped to have a sleeper sofa purchased before they arrive but cost wise- it just isn't doable! We have some big purchases coming up with Christmas around the corner and I am thinking we would rather have Christmas in Cali with Nic's family than a brand new sofa in NYC to sit on all by ourselves. Soon enough, we will get it but for now guests have to deal with an air mattress-- sorry, y'all.


This is enough random Hansen family news for now!

Much love, and God bless!

{UPDATED} 100.

{UPDATE: I finished my list, thank God!}

I don't really even know how to start this one out.. I saw a blog post on a Mommy Blog Site I follow ever so often, where one of the authors there challenged herself to compile a list of 100 words, 100 things she would like to be. I found this to be so very intriguing and couldn't help but try and make a similar list for myself. And of course, found my blog the most suitable place to do so.

For being someone who is usually up for making lists of any kind, I had a tough time with this. I have been so surprised throughout this process! I think the first time I opened up this new post was just about a month ago.. And I keep coming back to it and adding a new word whenever I am inspired by someone or something I see or a scripture I read. The first 10 were a breeze, getting into the 20's had me reciting memory verses from Sunday School about the fruits of the Spirit, 30's were pretty randomly selected annnnnd once I got to the 60's I was pretty much desperate for new words. I won't lie to you-- I even looked up the Scout's Code of Honor just to get some inspiration for some new list-worthy words. {And yes, a few of them even made it on there.} I remember hearing each of my brothers repeat that list of words, over and over again, at every single one of the countless Boy Scout's events I was dragged to in my childhood. I remember the internal struggle of wanting to be "campfire savvy" like my dad and brothers {and let's face it, my mom was pretty kick butt with the outdoorsy stuff, too} all while still wanting to maintain my dainty physique and poise. Wilderness Barbie, if you will. Ah yes, the joys of being the only daughter amongst 4 boys. The rose amongst the thorns, as my dad used to put it.

Anyways, back to the topic, you can find the original post that inspired me here. And you may be disappointed to find, although I hope you will be understanding-- my list is yet to be completed. I don't want to just start putting words down for the sake of completing a list.. I want real, honest things here.. So for now it will remain unfinished. I will finish it, my goodness. Just not tonight.


1. Loving
2. Christ-like
3. Compassionate
4. Generous
5. Funny
6. Kind
7. Humble
8. Caring
9. Thoughtful
10. Bright
11. Spirited
12. Joyful
13. Musical
14. Creative
15. Sweet
16. Domestic
17. Healthy
18. Playful
19. Wise
20. Inquisitive
21. Intelligent
22. Gracious
23. Faithful
24. Patient
25. Peaceful
26. Gentle
27. Merciful
28. Determined
29. Maternal
30. Caring
31. Adventurous
32. Fun
33. Dreamer
34. Talented
35. Blessed
36. Clever
37. Resourceful
38. Silly
39. Slender
40. Grateful
41. Nurturing
42. Giving
43. Balanced
44. Affectionate
45. Talkative
46. Strong
47. Witty
48. Inventive
49. Godly
50. Interesting
51. Meek
52. Smart
53. Discerning
54. Hospitable
55. Secure
56. Aware
57. Composed
58. Trusting
59. Trustworthy
60. Secure
61. Protector
62. Friendly
63. Hopeful
64. Noble
65. Beautiful
66. Respectable
67. Honorable
68. Kissable
69. Dependable
70. Cheerful
71. Loyal
72. Brave
73. Encouraging
74. Relatable
75. Inventive
76. Lovely
77. Prompt
78. Ambitious
79. Considerate
80. Devoted
81. Flexible
82. Decisive
83. Positive
84. Forgiving
85. Sincere
86. Devoted
87. Fair
88. Courageous
89. Honest
90. Confident
91. Pure-of-heart
92. Responsible
93. Diligent
94. Selfless
95. Tactful
96. Zealous
97. Understanding
98. Successful
99. Virtuous
100. Radiant


Do you have 100 words that you can use? Better yet, or maybe just a little easier, your top 10 words that you want to describe you?

I think the only real way for me to complete this is to really truly search my heart... I don't want to be doing this just as a challenge to see if I have a vast enough vocabulary to list 100 positive words I'd like to be associated with myself. I can't just conjure up this brilliant list of fancy describing words without genuinely taking a look at who I am, who I have been, who I want to be.. And I believe all of these words are God-breathed. Maybe that's silly to you, but I don't care. He is my Creator, who knows me better than I know myself, and ultimately HE is the only one who can stitch these attributes into me. Into this person that I long to be. Write these words upon my heart.

So who do I want to be?

This is a topic that can yet never should be taken lightly, in my opinion.

I want to be a God-fearing, Christ-like woman who passionately seeks her Heavenly Father, honors and loves her husband, and nurtures and adores her children.

I want to be a healthful and fit woman that can keep up with, better yet stay one step ahead of, even the rowdiest of kiddos.

I tend to want to be everything to everyone, which I have come to learn is a very slippery slope. I like to be the one who always has advice, the one who can offer up a word of encouragement or wisdom at the drop of a hat, the one who always brings fresh baked treats to gatherings, the one who can cook anything anyone ever wants to try, the one who cheers up even the angriest of folks, the one who takes care of everyone all the time, the one who takes pictures and documents all of lives important moments, is well-read and knowledgeable about everything, the one with a supply of  Tylenol or Ibuprofen {not even kidding, for the better part of my adolescence and into my adulthood I have always carried Aspirin and Benadryl with me incase someone around me were to happen to have a heart attack or allergic reaction}, an extra pen to hand you when you need something to write with, always has an extra stick of gum, etc.

I mean really, is that too much to ask??

Sandy Storm.

Well!! We have survived our very first hurricane. Or Frankenstorm. Or Megastorm, Superstorm, or just Sandy. Whatever you may be calling it {our family has been referring to it as Sandy Storm.} We made it, in one piece with all of our belongings just as they were before the storm hit. And to be honest, I don't feel all that different from a few days ago when I was just plain ol' Kristin. Not this new Hurricane Survivor Kristin, Kristin the Sandy Slayer, a key component of the Hansen Family Hurricane Heroes... I could keep going, but I shall refrain.

I definitely didn't expect to need to know how to be hurricane ready when we made the move to NYC. Godzilla attacks, Cloverfield style invasions, Day After Tomorrow weather atrocities- surely. But Sandy?? She was one sly little lady. Very unexpected on our part.

Between the media playing it up to be the most devastating storm of this era and my neighbor George brushing it off like it's no big deal I was pretty confused with how to prepare for this storm. So I went for the safe middle ground.

Flashlights, batteries and candles? Check.
Blankets? Check.
Canned foods and bottled water? Check.
Wine and Nutella? Double check. {Thanks, honey :)}
A little bit of cash just in case? Check.
Multiple cases of water and canned goods? No, thank you.
$40 Police status Magnum flashlights that could light up an entire block? Nah. {Sorry, babe}
Boarded up windows and sandbagged stairwells? Not unless our Super insisted. {Which he didn't.}
Car moved to the top of a parking garage that was sure to remain flood free? Eh. We could gladly call that claim in.

Aside from a few extra groceries and a case of water we went along with our regular lives. And though I am sure Nic will disagree, I feel like I did remain pretty level headed throughout the entire process. What really helped was when I FaceTimed with my bro Kevin and sis Meryl and he told us we should video blog about this intense storm we were experiencing. {At that point we hadn't seen a drop of rain, and the winds were barely pulling the already loose fall leaves off of their branches..} And I thought he was joking-- until he text me asking for a video update a few hours later. SO we had some fun with it and made some silly video blogs. Complete with Nic going outside shirtless, claiming to have lost Hudson and I in the chaos and to be seeking shelter.. Needless to say, it helped keep our spirits light.

Not to trivialize others experiences, of course, because I DO know that lower Manhattan got pretty bad,  with power outages and insane flooding and a construction crane dangling from atop a building on 57th St, Long Island had significant flooding and even a huge blaze down at Rockaway, and NJ got wrecked with entire towns underwater and coastline homes and structures torn into the raging waters. My heart just breaks for all that people have lost in this storm.. and for those still dealing with the aftermath. We have weathered the worst of it and everything should be looking up from here.  I feel SO blessed.

We really truly lucked out, for as awful as it was in other areas and how much the news teams had us prepared for the worst- this Hansen family has made it safely. I made the joke that God gave me Hudson to keep me from doing stupid things-- last night it was SO hard to not venture out into the storm to check out the flooding and such. Nic did a few times, and I did for but a moment but quickly retreated when I saw a scary looking man with a less-than-inncoent look in his eye {Don't judge me! I am not one to judge quickly but in this sort of a situation you never who is out and about nor what their intentions are!} We had flooding in our area, some a little close for comfort (hardly 1blk north and Hudson's favorite park 3blks south was underwater), and many fallen trees and branches, and lots of debris strewn in the streets... Aside from our internet cutting out a few times we were perfectly comfortable throughout the entire storm. What a huge blessing.

This is a picture of the flooding that was just a block north of us-- 2 cars were completely submerged and others were up to their roofs. This was taken when Nic went out on one of his Sandy Storm adventures.

And I obviously can't take credit for this photo, I found it with a search for blacked out lower manhattan during Sandy and this one one that came up.. I just thought it was a pretty neat representation of the power outage that occurred during the storm! 

Also can't take credit for this one but my friend that lives in Brooklyn took this from her apartment moments after all the lights went out in Lower Manhattan! Just a crazy view.. It's amazing how different the city looks when the lights go out.

So, all in all, we feel so thankful to have weathered this storm safely. We are so grateful for all of the sweet phone calls, Facebook messages, texts and other ways people were reaching out to us to make sure all was well. Our hearts and prayers are with those who were not so lucky. 

Leaps and Bounds.

Yep. It's here.

It has finally arrived.

The moment in time which no parent knows quite how to prepare for, a moment that has been documented by home videos and pictures, notated in family calendars and baby books, Facebook updates IN ALL CAPS, and hearts full of joy and pride by all who look on for decades- heck maybe even centuries. (Okay, the Facebook thing has only been around like 10 years but the rest of them are valid.)

My baby boy is a walking man.

And I'm not talking about the occasional 2-3 steps he's been teasing us with for months. No, no- I mean he stands up- points himself where he wants to go and takes off. Sure, he's still a bit wobbly and he can't quite make it up the small rise into our kitchen and bathroom but sooooo what. That day is soon to come, I am sure of it. This kid amazes me.

I feel like every day since we have moved to New York I have been keeping a new note about new things Hudson can do. One day it was walking, the next it was finally figuring out how to climb up onto our bed, the next it was trying to run, the next it way trying to kick the soccer ball, the list goes on...

And I won't bore you with monotonous details about the glorious moment that he started stringing more and more steps together, but Nic and I are thrilled! 

Also, just as a fun side-note, this is what happened when Nic turned on Pavarotti's, "O Sole Mio," a few nights ago. The kid tossed his books aside with reckless abandon and bolted over to lay his head on Nic's lap and listen. I guess listening to The Three Tenors throughout my pregnancy really paid off. He's gonna be a musical genius.

Mom things.

It's a cozy rainy day in NYC, wee man is napping and as usual I am in a writing mood... But rather than ignoring it and catching up on cleaning or getting myself pretty for the day-- I am going to sit down and do this thing.

I made some pretty lofty promises back when I was still prego that I would remember that I have a life outside of being a mom, and that I would post about other things than just mom stuff... And I think I have done pretty well at maintaining a balance between mom life and other life (although, let's face it, the two don't exactly exist without they other.. something I have come to find out since having a babe... other life? What is that again??) But anyways, I have had some "Mom" things weighing on my heart for such a long time now, and often I have found the best way to deal is to write it out. Hash it out between me, myself, and I and see just what comes up at the end.. So you will just have to bear with me.

I've been struggling recently..  I guess I can't really say recently, due to the fact that is has practically lasted since Hudson made his way into this world. It has been more than a year since the birth of my son and despite all of my best efforts I just can't quite seem to get it together.  I already know what most of you will say, "Are you kidding me, Kris?! You're a great mom!" I get it.. It may not seem this way to others but it is most certainly how I feel, and that makes it more real than any kind of  genuine well-intentioned compliment someone could pay me to try and lift my spirits. I mean, sure- some days are much better than others and on those "others" I paste on a smile, conjure up some sort of response about the joys of motherhood, and keep saying it over and over in hopes of me one day believing them all. But in all honesty, deep down, I am hurting. Most days I feel like I have failed my son in every earthly way possible. Most days I feel like I just can't make everything BE how I would like it to be. And most days I don't know who I am even meant to be- I have not felt like myself in what feels like forever.

And in the light of being completely transparent here- there are some days when I see other moms posting on various social media outlets all kinds of joyous tidbits about how perfect their life as a mother is, about how great it feels to be a mom, how awesome their newest DIY project went, about how much the Lord has blessed them and they're so grateful for His leadership over their lives as mom's, and all kinds of other happy crap and really all it makes me want to do is lash out irrationally, shake them and scream at them, "HOW THE HELL DO YOU DO THIS!!!???"  What's worse is it makes me so incredibly jealous I can't hardly stand it. And I know I am not meant to envy, to compare, compete, or whatever... It's the furthest thing from being an awesome God-fearing, Jesus-loving momma but I am human and guess what? I suck at this. Here I am desperately clinging to each tiny shred of happiness and joy that I can grasp. Hoping that it will somehow amount to a good, non-emotionally scarring, well-rounded childhood for my son... How on earth am I meant to compete with women who finally come into their own when they reach motherhood? Who embrace the tantrums and messes as though it were their one and only life calling? Who are totally and completely fulfilled by meal planning, organizing, cleaning, reading baby books, playing and cooing thiiiiis little piggy went to the market?? If anything I feel only more lost since becoming a mother.

Oh wait, here comes the contradiction, of course. This wouldn't really be a rant of mine if there wasn't some awesome contradiction that makes me seem all them more confusing to the onlooker, now would it? On the good days- when I am able to completely clean my house, have a fantastic dinner ready, and happy baby and husband full of all the love I could possibly have poured out on them that day-- I do......feel......wonderful. It's such a breath of fresh air. I get a new found hope, that maybe, just maybe I can do this. That, hey, now that wasn't so hard, was it? My inner dialogue changes drastically from a hum drum, 'I don't think I am cut out for this', to a cheerful, 'hooray! I am the best mom/wife/person/cook/maid/have-it-all-put-together-crafty-works-out-all-the-time-lady EVER!!!' Maybe this should be the time that I take to Facebook to rub all of my domestic glory in the faces of the women who felt like they failed that day... Please sense the sarcasm.

I am caught between wanting to let things slide and wanting absolute perfection. Like not worrying about the state of my home all the time and wanting something worthy of a Better Homes & Garden spread. Or wanting to spend ALL day catering to Hudson's every whim, playing, going to the park, etc and wanting to make sure that we have a ritual complete with lesson plans and a new skill to learn each day.

Am I making any sense? Is anyone still following me? I feel like, as per usual, my inept ability to ramble has devoured any sense of direction this post may have had.

I mean, really, truly, am I the only one out there who goes through this? I can't be the only mom in the world who feels like I am just not cut out for this. Who more often than not- feels like a total and complete failure.

And then a friend of mine shared this beautifully written blog. Why would she post that if she hadn't at some point felt like a complete loser that couldn't get her ducks in a row? And then I remembered this encouraging post. that I read months ago...

I am NOT alone. And that makes me feel the slightest bit better.