Mom things.

It's a cozy rainy day in NYC, wee man is napping and as usual I am in a writing mood... But rather than ignoring it and catching up on cleaning or getting myself pretty for the day-- I am going to sit down and do this thing.

I made some pretty lofty promises back when I was still prego that I would remember that I have a life outside of being a mom, and that I would post about other things than just mom stuff... And I think I have done pretty well at maintaining a balance between mom life and other life (although, let's face it, the two don't exactly exist without they other.. something I have come to find out since having a babe... other life? What is that again??) But anyways, I have had some "Mom" things weighing on my heart for such a long time now, and often I have found the best way to deal is to write it out. Hash it out between me, myself, and I and see just what comes up at the end.. So you will just have to bear with me.

I've been struggling recently..  I guess I can't really say recently, due to the fact that is has practically lasted since Hudson made his way into this world. It has been more than a year since the birth of my son and despite all of my best efforts I just can't quite seem to get it together.  I already know what most of you will say, "Are you kidding me, Kris?! You're a great mom!" I get it.. It may not seem this way to others but it is most certainly how I feel, and that makes it more real than any kind of  genuine well-intentioned compliment someone could pay me to try and lift my spirits. I mean, sure- some days are much better than others and on those "others" I paste on a smile, conjure up some sort of response about the joys of motherhood, and keep saying it over and over in hopes of me one day believing them all. But in all honesty, deep down, I am hurting. Most days I feel like I have failed my son in every earthly way possible. Most days I feel like I just can't make everything BE how I would like it to be. And most days I don't know who I am even meant to be- I have not felt like myself in what feels like forever.

And in the light of being completely transparent here- there are some days when I see other moms posting on various social media outlets all kinds of joyous tidbits about how perfect their life as a mother is, about how great it feels to be a mom, how awesome their newest DIY project went, about how much the Lord has blessed them and they're so grateful for His leadership over their lives as mom's, and all kinds of other happy crap and really all it makes me want to do is lash out irrationally, shake them and scream at them, "HOW THE HELL DO YOU DO THIS!!!???"  What's worse is it makes me so incredibly jealous I can't hardly stand it. And I know I am not meant to envy, to compare, compete, or whatever... It's the furthest thing from being an awesome God-fearing, Jesus-loving momma but I am human and guess what? I suck at this. Here I am desperately clinging to each tiny shred of happiness and joy that I can grasp. Hoping that it will somehow amount to a good, non-emotionally scarring, well-rounded childhood for my son... How on earth am I meant to compete with women who finally come into their own when they reach motherhood? Who embrace the tantrums and messes as though it were their one and only life calling? Who are totally and completely fulfilled by meal planning, organizing, cleaning, reading baby books, playing and cooing thiiiiis little piggy went to the market?? If anything I feel only more lost since becoming a mother.

Oh wait, here comes the contradiction, of course. This wouldn't really be a rant of mine if there wasn't some awesome contradiction that makes me seem all them more confusing to the onlooker, now would it? On the good days- when I am able to completely clean my house, have a fantastic dinner ready, and happy baby and husband full of all the love I could possibly have poured out on them that day-- I do......feel......wonderful. It's such a breath of fresh air. I get a new found hope, that maybe, just maybe I can do this. That, hey, now that wasn't so hard, was it? My inner dialogue changes drastically from a hum drum, 'I don't think I am cut out for this', to a cheerful, 'hooray! I am the best mom/wife/person/cook/maid/have-it-all-put-together-crafty-works-out-all-the-time-lady EVER!!!' Maybe this should be the time that I take to Facebook to rub all of my domestic glory in the faces of the women who felt like they failed that day... Please sense the sarcasm.

I am caught between wanting to let things slide and wanting absolute perfection. Like not worrying about the state of my home all the time and wanting something worthy of a Better Homes & Garden spread. Or wanting to spend ALL day catering to Hudson's every whim, playing, going to the park, etc and wanting to make sure that we have a ritual complete with lesson plans and a new skill to learn each day.

Am I making any sense? Is anyone still following me? I feel like, as per usual, my inept ability to ramble has devoured any sense of direction this post may have had.

I mean, really, truly, am I the only one out there who goes through this? I can't be the only mom in the world who feels like I am just not cut out for this. Who more often than not- feels like a total and complete failure.

And then a friend of mine shared this beautifully written blog. Why would she post that if she hadn't at some point felt like a complete loser that couldn't get her ducks in a row? And then I remembered this encouraging post. that I read months ago...

I am NOT alone. And that makes me feel the slightest bit better.