Tarantino

There should be a book written about us..

Or maybe just skip the whole book thing and go straight to feature film... and none of that Lifetime movie crap. I'm talking the real deal, tell it like it is, never made up- always entertaining, full length movie.

Because, really, these sorts of things don't just happen on a regular basis to regular people. Right? Or maybe they do and I am just stuck in my own little world thinking we're some kind of special.

Back in the day when my big bro Matt and I had to drive from ABQ to El Paso for our monthly braces adjustment, we would spend much of the drive either jamming out to unnecessarily loud music, or listening to comedians.. And I remember a Dane Cook joke where he starts off by saying he's gonna "Tarantino" his joke.. And by that meaning start from the end, with the punch line in all of its climactic glory, and then go back to the beginning to bring some understanding to the epic moment that is leaving you with a question mark over your head. So I think that's kinda what I want to try today.




Once the hacksaw broke we had to come to terms with reality... That sucker just isn't gonna fit.




Right?? That's a pretty good one.. Maybe? Sorta? Are you on the edge of your seat, glued to the screen? Good. Let's take it back to the beginning.. :)

We arrived in NYC on the 5th to a tiny, but livable apartment. That is one of the tougher things about moving to NYC from out of town. The real estate market here is nuts, and if you don't happen to be lucky enough to find one in person, or to be able to fly out to ok the place before you sign- you really wind up needing to place a LOT of trust in your broker. We had imagined something quite different to what we wound up with. Our "900sqft, 2 br apartment" is more like "600sqft apartment, 0 br- just a  room with no closets and a tiny little "closet-sized" room adjoined to serve as a second place for sleeping." Haha.. remember how I said I was yet to be emotional about the move? Well.. moments after the broker left, I broke down. I think it was all just a lot to take in.. Nic and I literally were walking in circles trying to find where this extra bedroom was meant to be, where we were meant to move our sons belongings into.. But it turns out the floor plan feels a bit more like a kitchen, separate dining, living and a walk in closet... When it's meant to be eat-in kitchen, separate living room that has french doors leading into the bedroom that has a tiny little second bedroom attached. Not sure if that made sense but I have no other way to describe it.

To make things quite a bit better we met some amazing people on our first day here. First off, was George. The gentleman from across the street that offered to take us out to lunch almost immediately upon meeting us (not kidding!) at an Italian restaurant down the street.. We happily agreed since we were both starved and knew Hudson must have been feeling hungry too. Turns out, aside from a few years in his 20's-30's, he has lived in that same Brownstone home his entire life (he's 70 years old!) and every day he sits out on his stoop chatting with the people that pass by.  He knows this neighborhood like the back of his hand and he has been nothing but a complete joy to get to know. Such a sweet man with an incredible life that I highly look forward to hearing much more about.

We also met with Tyson and Alee.. We had oddly enough already met them via Skype at some of the meetings we had with the Downing's regarding the church plant set to take place in NYC in 2013, but this was the first time getting to actually see them in the flesh. They cooked us dinner and it was a wonderful evening. They are not NYC natives so it has been fun exploring our new city together since then. We already feel so connected with them and really enjoy their company! Thank you, Jesus, for good friends!

We camped out on our air mattress while we enjoyed getting accustomed to the city life for a bit over a week before the rest of our things arrived. The moving company, however, made the story a bit of a frustrating one. Even before they picked our things up we knew we had made a mistake selecting them as our moving co. These guys were absolutely unorganized, unprofessional, and extremely difficult to deal with. Such a huge bummer when you're really excited about moving but duhn, duhn, duuuuhhhnnn-- the big bad moving guys are holding your belongings hostage while they try to bully you into paying tons of crazy fees.

Anyways, we got our stuff and quickly began to realize that we hadn't quite downsized enough. I swear, with every load of boxes they brought up I thought, surely this has to be the last of it! And then Pako would round the corner with another heap of things I would need to sort and decide what to keep and what to send to the thrift store. It is just shocking to see how many things we have. I mean, really-- do we need all of that?!

They started bringing up our furniture after getting the last of the boxes up and we were not too surprised to find that a lot of our things had been broken. A tall lamp, a book case, Nic's bike handlebars, too many glass items to count.. It's just so strange to me that this is what these men get paid to do. They are meant to be movers. And yet, they pretty much just carelessly threw things around. One box was so full of shards of glass it was apparent that they hadn't just bumped it, or accidentally cracked something- the damage made it seem like they had literally thrown the box to the ground. They should change their job title to breakers. Cause they're really good at that. ;)

After all was nearly said and done, they brought up the last piece of furniture, our beloved greenish yellowish couch. They had a LOT of trouble getting it up 3 flights of stairs and around the narrow hallways, but they finally got it to our door only to find that it wouldn't go through. They pushed, pulled, readjusted, and cussed. And they had absolutely NO luck. They weighed a couple different options before deciding that we were just going to have to deal with it on our own. The "boss man" told us to call a furniture doctor.. Apparently you can hire these guys to come take apart your couch and put it back together... So they left it in our hall. Thankfully we have they top floor, otherwise that just wouldn't have worked.  But anyways..

A couple days later, after awkwardly maneuvering around the inconveniently placed couch, and knowing that we weren't going to spend a fortune on a "furniture doctor" come take apart our couch just to have to turn around and pay them to do it again whenever we move out of this place, Nic decided that he was going to make that couch fit. He pushed, pulled, sighed, contemplated... And then decided to give the last possible option a try. Yep. He was going to cut those dang legs off the couch.

So out came the Bear Gryll's Gerber knife I bought him for Christmas paired with a hammer. He started to chisel away at the solid oak legs. He got through one.. and then started to get through the second one when the tip of the knife broke off.

Then he did what any reasonable man would do... he walked to the hardware store around the corner and bought a hacksaw.

This plan seemed to be working pretty well.. until the hacksaw broke. Turns out the hacksaw couldn't quite handle the task. It broke while he was hacking off the last leg and he had to take a hammer to remove the last one.

And once the hacksaw broke we had to come to terms with reality... That sucker just isn't gonna fit...



Haha.. How was that for my awesome rendition of a Tarantino story? I could probably do better. In fact, I could have probably chosen a better story to test it out on. But that is beside the point. I'm glad I did it. And I am sure I will try it again sometime. I'm sure you're thrilled to hear that :)

By the way- we wound up putting it up on the Free section of Craigslist, after all we couldn't expect someone to pay for the freshly battered couch. It was snagged up within 2 days.

This New York City lifestyle is really starting to grow on me. Even though I off loaded heaps of our belongings before we moved I feel like I get to continue purging through our things on a continual basis. Just one more thing to give away, each and every day. I love it.


I realized a few days ago, after perusing through some other blogs, that I am far from the average blogger. I am not good with keeping timely updates. I don't often post "tutorials" on how to be a better crafty lady. Or post how-to, step-by-step, directions on baking a delicious slice of heaven. (Although, there was that one time that I did post that one blog with all the pictures of the crafty things I completed.. That was cute, wasn't it?) I don't give tips on how to be a better mom, wife, or person in general. I don't keep logs of my work-out schedule or document trying out the newest calorie sizzling cardio. I don't keep you updated with my daily devotions or give reviews on the latest book I've read. Ultimately, this blog has never really had a direction, or a purpose outside of giving me a place to sort of document my life, our lives. Shed a little light on the how's and why's of this little Hansen family. And I am completely okay with  that.

And I still stand firm in my decision to title this blog, three or so years ago, Destination: Beautiful. Because although this blog has never technically had a direction.. It has always stayed true to the fact that no matter where this life is taking me, no matter what the Lord has had in store for me.. It has always been and will always continue to be beautiful.

The end.

Cheers, and God Bless.

Ode to Kansas City

Well, we are officially on the road to NYC.. I suppose we were technically on our way as of Saturday but we made a pit stop in Cincinatti to visit with our wonderful friends, the Boehne's, for a day or so. It was a quick one, but I am thankful nonetheless.

We have both been somewhat non-emotional about this move. I feel like there must be a part of me that doesn't believe it, or something like that. I have always been a sissy when it comes to goodbyes, and yet here I am, having to say goodbye to all of my dear friends in KC and all of our favorite places, and not a single tear was shed. I must be growing up... Or like I really suspect, just haven't fully wrapped my mind around what has taken place. 

Anyways, in an effort to pull some sort of emotional response out of Nic and myself, I decided to sit down and make a list of things we would miss. Which instantly was backed up with an equally long list (if not slightly longer..) of things we would definitely not miss.  Ha! Oh well. Tis life.

I must admit-- I lost the actual list we made so I am basing all of this off from memory... I'm sure you will be able to find some level of appreciation for them, whether you've made lists like these yourself or if you just have a good sense of humor. ;) 

Things we WILL miss:

Our fave restaurants: Lulu's, Jerusalem Cafe, Grünauer, OK Joe's (and other noteworthy BBQ joints), and Blanc. 

Our favorite places: WWI memorial- this place holds TOO many memories to try and list. We fell in love and got engaged there... to name a few; Loose Park- same sort of sentiment as the previous, there's just so much that took place in that beautiful park that has everything to do with us being together. River Market- pretty self explanatory. The cool downtown library.

We're going to miss taking random drives around town, KC is surprisingly a beautiful city with LOTS of cool neighborhoods and buildings and random country roads lined with trees. Also, taking runs through those areas will be missed!
We are going to miss having Tashie live with us! It has been so fun sharing our home with her and getting to know her better.  And I think it is safe to say we are definitely going to miss having the "live-in babysitter." Haha!
Definitely going to miss all of the cool thunderstorms.. There are few things I love more in life than being cuddled in bed, listening to a thunderstorm roll by. 

The IHOP prayer room- truly one of the most peaceful, challenging and wonderfully places I have ever encountered. And although we can turn on the web stream whenever we please, it's just such a different experience actually being able to sit in there and soak it all in.

And last but not least, our friends. Each and every single one of them. We have met some truly incredible people while living in the Midwest and although I know it still hasn't hit me fully, I already miss everyone. It's gonna be terrible not having Kelly and Salem to meet for a Target trip or park visit, not having my wonderful Ashley's always down for a dinner date, both Gabbard families in their entirety, the Lubbers and Bailey's to share holiday meals and Sunday dinners with, the Albaugh's for random hang-outs and meet-ups, miss Brit for quick chats and meet ups on random street corners for the heck of it, the list just goes on... I am really really gonna miss everyone. 

We really AREN'T going to miss:

All the freakin crusty kids on every corner riding their hipster-ass fixie bikes! Judging me for putting cream in my coffee, sometimes buying non-organic food and taking a shower more than once a month. Lol. And this includes our loud upstairs neighbors that stomp like elephants and have drunken rampages that sound like someone is tripping out on bath salts. 

Not gonna miss the humidity. Not one bit. 

Terrible drivers that ride in the fast lane traveling approx 20mph below the speed limit. Eat my dust, suckas! I'm goin to New York where EVERYONE speeds ;P Oh and not to mention, everything being at least a 20 minute drive away. 

You'll have to bear with me on this one but.. We're not going to miss all the flaky IHOPer's out there. Seriously a dime a dozen.. I know I have spaced it on returning phone calls, emails, and such but it literally feels like these kids do it on purpose. I can't tell you how many unanswered texts, messages, phone calls, etc I've had to let roll off my back and grin instead of give the cold shoulder in the name of forgiveness.

Inside joke but it has to be listed.. We reeeeaaallly aren't gonna miss the 3B's...

Nic's number one thing he won't miss are the terrible employers he's run into in KC! I'm pretty sure my poor husband has not worked for an honest, good man in years.. 

Not gonna miss all the bugs! There's nothing worse than waking up to find a new constellation pattern of mosquito bites on your leg. 
Not gonna miss the lack of a good skyline. Apart from the good view of downtown, KC is as flat as a chalkboard. Not so pretty to look at. 

Hahaha... Not quite how I imagined it looking but I think it works. 

We do have a lot we will miss and maybe more will hit us as time goes by... But for now we have so much to look forward to. And I genuinely can't wait to see all that NYC has to offer. It will be an adventure in the very least.

Things are meant to get easier with time, right?

I've sat down and tried to write a new post about a dozen times since the last time I posted, and well- its obvious that I haven't been successful until now. 

There are about 100 things I've wanted to say, to ramble on about as I usually do, to update everyone about our lives and journey, and yet again- its fairly obvious that I haven't been successful in that either :)

But I shall try, as I usually do, to  smoosh as much ooey gooey goodness into this sucker as possible.

First off, we are moving. Again. I think the last time I posted we were getting ready to move into the new house in KC, which in itself is an entire blog-worthy event, but I will just give some key points.

We were given the keys 2 days before our move-in date and were too excited to not take a peek before hand. Which wound up being a blessing and a curse, curse  because it turned out being the most disgusting mess I have ever been face to face with. Absolutely filthy in every possible corner, on every possible surface. And I suppose it was a  blessing because we had an extra 2 days to try to get everything at least acceptable to move in.  It was a week and a half after moving in until I felt comfortable enough to unpack anything and start to put it in cabinets and cupboards. Kinda sad, really. We cleaned and cleaned and cleaned until we couldn't clean any longer and still there were new messes and gross junk to be discovered. Mold, grime, dust thicker than I've ever seen, the whole shebang. It was  disheartening to say the least. Never in my life have I met a mess I couldn't clean, but this house defeated me day after day. And the worst part? The girls living here before us clearly chose to live in such filth. (they moved out the day before we got the keys)

I'd post some pictures but on the off-chance that one of you are eating breakfast or enjoying an afternoon snack whilst reading this I'll resist. You should thank me, really. 

Anyways, approximately 3 days after we moved in Nic received an email from a gentleman he'd been in touch with over the past months due to a random string of events, in this email was an incredible job offer. One that sounded WAY too good to be true. And shockingly enough involved a relocation to New York City. 

I was hesitant and Nic was beyond excited. 

And by the time I got excited, Nic was hesitant.

We seem to have that problem with big things like this! We never share in our excitement. It's like one of us always starts to dream like crazy and get our hearts all expectant and excited while the other has to be keeping us anchored to reality.. May sound sad or dysfunctional to you, but it works for us :)

I'll keep the story short mostly because I want to get to everything today but I will definitely post a full length retelling of the awesome story. Either way I tell it, it ends (or shall I say it all begins!) with us moving to NYC at the end of this month. 

As life would have it be, days after our acceptance of the job Nic gets a letter from the KCFD stating that they had full-time position available for him and that they'd love for him to join. ( A letter we have practically  been awaiting since we first met!) And again last week, the Fire Chief called to let Nic know they would like for him to start as a firefighter in the next few weeks. 

But we stand firm in our decision, we truly feel that this is what the Lord has for us. And we are excited, to say the very least.

Growing up is hard.

I mean, it really and truly is. As I watch Hudson getting over the bumps and bruises that come hand-in-hand with learning to crawl and walk, I've been struck with this realization that we never truly do get over that "awkward" stage. You know the one I'm talking about? When you're trying to push forward with life but everything in your body won't quite cooperate? Or you just can't quite get everything to move forward with you? I make the same joke about my athleticism, it's like my mind can fully comprehend the why and how, it's just my body that can't quite work out a basketball layup, or a perfect overhand serve in volleyball. It's like thus far in my life, I have been in a constant state of moving forward all the while still trying to get myself to stay caught up. I'm not sure if that makes any sense to you, but I know I can't be the only one. I really do long for a season of  "normal" or something just kinda easy. But then again, maybe if I ever reach that place I will long for nothing more than a little chaos! Ha.  I mean, this is a normal wonderment of life, right? 

I dropped Nic off at the airport to fly out for his first week of work with Christian, it's so surreal! It still somehow feels like I just dropped him off at work for the evening and he'll be coming home later tonight. I'm sure tonight as I crawl into bed without him I'll be hit with the reality of this situation.. But until then I think I'll try to enjoy the oblivion.

He will be gone until Thursday when he will fly to meet up with me and Hudson  in Albuquerque.. Our first time back since Father's Day last summer, and Hudson's very first trip ever! My brother and sister kindly gifted us plane tickets to come visit and while i think they had intended on trying to keep us all to themselves, we're gonna get to spend some time with the other brothers and my parents. They're even throwing Hudson a lil early birthday party :)

As per usual, we have a lot going on, and I really truly will do my best to update as soon as I can!

Much love, and God bless.

Lesson: Learned

Oooh my, this has got to be one of the most "fun" parts of being young whippersnappers raising a child of our own.

Lessons.

There are good lessons, tough lessons, weird lessons (like finding out that bouncing on an exercise ball calms down a colicky baby), and overall just some life lessons that are better to get out of the way as soon as possible.

Just a brief summary of last night's events:
We head out as a family (Tash included) to go get new bike tires and tubes. We wind up at the Target that is connected to an AMC, mall and Dick's Sporting Goods. Around 6:30 Nic says, Hey! Let's go see The Avengers! I assess the food/diaper ratio we have remaining in the diaper bag and decide we're in good standing and have enough to last us the rest of the night. Our movie doesn't start until 7:40 but thats not a big deal, we figure Hudson will fall asleep sometime around the beginning of the movie and then wake up when we arrive home to put him in bed. Well, needless to say, none of that happened. We decided moments into the trailers that we would need some more food for him so Nic runs over to Target and makes it back just in time before any of the good previews start. Hudson is getting a tad fussy so Nic offers to go stand at the back with him... They wind up on the floor, Nic still able to see the screen, and Hudsy happily playing with his shoes that Nic removed in an effort to keep him occupied. I grab a good portion of the toys and snacks from the bag, swap with him and spend a good portion of time back there. Then Tash kindly offers to come sit with him. Within about 5 min Hudson is making some pretty promising fussy sounds (I mean promising in the sense that it would easily blow up if something was not done ASAP) so Nic grabs the bottle and heads back to relieve Tash. Here I am thinking, Nic is feeding Hudson on the back wall, Hudson will fall asleep, Nic will come back to seat with Hudson and all will be well. Ha. About 15 minutes later I can faintly hear the sound of a wailing baby that seemed to be coming from the hallway and I had to check, sure enough, Nic, with a more-than-stressed look on his face, tells me that Hudson has been screaming since he got him, won't sleep, won't eat, and poor Nic left his phone in the theater and had no way of letting me know this. So I offer to take over and let Nic go watch the movie while I sit in the hall with Mr. Grumpy Gills. And yes, that is where I spent the remainder of the movie. I'd say a solid hour. Quietly sitting on a bench, just outside of the theater, while Hudson switched from playing with his shoes, bottle, my toes, his hands, crying, whining, thrashing, pulling my hair, playing with my glasses, jibber jabbering, a little more playing with his shoes, and then looking at himself in my front face camera on my iPhone. You can see his profile photo worthy self-portrait below..

So what was the lesson learned last night? Simple.

Babies hate The Avengers.

Just because..

I remember sharing at the beginning of the year about my quest to end my struggle with Trichotillomania, and by end- I mean beat it. No longer have it in my life.

I can't say that I've been 100% successful, or even 100% dedicated some days, but I can tell you things are getting better. If I have my guess right, I'd say the longest I've lasted between pulls was 2 weeks! I'm still praying for deliverance and healing, and would love if you would also pray for me. That good old scripture isn't constantly quoted for nothing.. "when two or more are gathered.." I believe there is power in numbers, and also in confession, which is why I have shared this wonderfully humbling bit of my life with all of you. I genuinely have a desire to be better, to be free of this. And I SO look forward to the day when I can run my fingers through my hair and not wince.

Tash has been living with us for a bit over a month now and I have a few things to say in regards to that (shocker, right?). First off, can I just say, I LOVE having a sister. I've wanted it all my life and I finally have some in my life! (5 sisters!! Can you believe it!!??) And THIS one happens to be fantastic. (which yes, they all are, I'm just enjoying my time with this one) She is a trooper! Among many other wonderful attributes, she is being so steadfast- sleeping on our couch, dutifully looking for a job, not complaining about the lack of space until we move to the new place, not causing a fuss concerning her almost complete lack of privacy, and I MUST  mention- giving me breaks from life as a mom with Hudson. Date nights are a new thing in this household and I LOVE them! I look forward to many more to come :)

Aside from all those wonderful things listed above (and the many more I have yet to mention) I have absolutely adored getting to spend time with her and get to know her beyond occasional talks on the phone! Nic works a lot, and she is yet to find a job so more often than not its just me, Tash and Hudson hanging out and we always wind up having just a lovely time. And in case you're wondering, yes, I have got her hooked on Friends just like me. Didnt take much time at all ;)

We have our move-out date set for May 31 and I am just so excited for it. I've been packing over the past week or so and I am really feeling pretty confident that I have a good handle on all that still needs to be done. My mind is already racing with all of the different little projects I want to do when we get to the new place. Everything from attempting to build our own breakfast nook set (diner style booth), to stenciling the walls and organizing the linen closet. I think deep down, I am my very happiest when I am getting to create. Whether it be recipes, crafty things or music- that is where my heart finds true content. Being useful and making things better! Now, if only I could find a way to bring in some extra cash when doing this, then I'd be all set! ;)

Of course, no matter what it is I end up doing, I'm sure at some point I'll wind up posting some photos of the changes. I'm sure you'll be looking forward to that day just as much as I am.

I find it incredible that Hudson is already a whopping 8 months old. Is anybody else in shock about this?! How has this happened so quickly?! Everyone warned me- everyone said it would just fly by- and I even believed them. I didn't doubt it for one second. I just didn't think it would be THIS fast.  I mean, wow. I am just amazed. 

I saw a cool quote on some board on Pinerest the other day, and I'm thinking of making some sort of piece of art to hang in Hudson's new bedroom (a nursery to decorate! Yippee!!), it's says, "cleaning and scrubbing can wait til tomorrow, for babies grow up, we've learned to our sorrow. so settle down cobwebs, dust go to sleep-  I'm rocking my baby, for babies don't keep."

Isn't that just cute? I know I sometimes find myself fretting about the way my house looks, or the untidy nature of my countertops and I just think its important to remember to relish in the sweet moments I get to have with Hudson. Cause one day there will be more Hansen babies running around, more messes to clean, laundry will always be there.. But this moment, right now? The one where he is so preciously pressed against my heart, fast asleep... This will never ever come back. And that is just so very bittersweet.

I love being a mom. I think I've said that once or twice on here. And it just continues to become more and more true. Yes, there are moments of frustration, desperation, depression and sometimes even a little bit of anger finds its way in there (like when he is SO overtired and just won't take his bottle!!) but I'd say above all, it's an absolute blessing. He is such a wonderful baby. And I just can't seem to kiss him enough.

I'm looking forward to leading worship at Cc.tv next weekend. Tim and Amy are out of town and Nic will be working so.. It's all me. And "the guys," of course. But it's literally been YEARS since I led from the piano without Nic and I am just a little bit curious about how it's gonna go. I mean, I love to lead worship, no matter what the setting but... I feel like my confidence lies in the fact that I always have Nic playing with me, leading me. It should be fun! And also probably pretty humbling. but I will let you know how it went either way.. 



I think that should just about wrap it up for now.. Until next time, cheers and God bless!

Right there, folks. That's what I call real love.

Have you ever been trying to solve one of those ridiculous brain teaser puzzles, where you push and pull and twist and manipulate and toss aside in a fit of frustration only to pick it right back up and continue the process? And then one day when you've more than given up you give it one more go and it happens, it clicks. Seemingly out of nowhere it just smoothly glides into it's proper position. And there you stand joyfully, relieved & accomplished, happy its over with, and ready to move on to the next thing to conquer.

Well, my friends, that's kinda how I can explain meeting my beloved, Nic.

I met Nic at a gathering in Kansas City, and within 2 weeks we were inseparable. We just clicked. I was dating someone else at the time, and had seen the end of the relationship a long time coming but was too afraid to do anything about it. Until I met HIM. I had been sitting there, pushing, pulling, manipulating my life to try and make it JUST FIT, RIGHT THERE. Come OOOOOON. And then, click. A sudden smooth transition that made my heart find its rest. Out of nowhere came this masterpiece of a person, a man after God's own heart, a gentleman to the core, a talented musician and a foreginer to boot. More-so than ever my heart was ready to move on. Move on from the struggle, the fight, the agonizing process of desperately trying to make things fit where the weren't supposed to.

I feel like this is how so many of our lives go. We push, we pull, we try so hard to make things fit into this tiny little mold that seems impossible. And yet, when we surrender, throw our white flag in the air, something inexplicable breaks. It's like by finally offering up our control we give God the freedom to move on. We give God the freedom to take over and give us that tiny little push in the right direction that we needed.

And then, it clicks.

It is a beautiful thing, isn't it?

My, oh my..

If there was one thing in my life I didn't think I would ever find myself obsessing over it would be milk. Breast milk, for that matter.

It seems like it can be such a taboo topic. It's like everyone "knows" its out there but no one wants to really acknowledge it. Everyone "knows" women breastfeed but they don't really wanna be around it. And I actually can relate! It totally creeped me out.. even throughout my entire pregnancy I couldn't really come to terms with the fact that some day soon a tiny baby would literally be relying on me for milk. Like a calf to a cow. Weird. My own selfish issues aside, I knew it would be what I needed to do and I took advantage of the 9 month period of time to grow more and more accustomed to the idea. It's the way God intended, right?

I think more than anything it was intimidating! I was more afraid of breast feeding than I was of labor itself! No joke. "What if I can't do it well? What if my body won't work the way it is supposed to? I don't know how to do this! How am I supposed to be good at something I don't even know how to do?" Either way I looked at it the day was soon approaching that I would have to plunge into the world of nursing. And I was terrified.

Then the day came.. I gave birth to my perfect baby boy and the nurse handed him to me, in that moment I just knew. It didn't matter how uncomfortable it was, how awkward it felt or how terrified I truly was, I was gonna make it happen. I was going to make sure my son got the very best nutrition possible. And that meant I would need to breastfeed.

9 excruciating, stressful weeks went by and I made the very tough decision to stop nursing and exclusively pump. That sounds crazy, I know. But we had some major issues that got in the way of us being able to do it. Hudson was born tongue tied almost to the very tip of his tongue which made it extremely hard to latch, he also had a very sensitive gag reflex, which meant anytime he actually was able to latch he would wind up choking himself into an absolute fit of rage. We tried everything the nurses, my midwife and lactation consultants sent our way.. I begged mother forums for tips and ideas that could help us to be able to have the important mother child bond that is developed from nursing... Even at 2 weeks old when he got his tongue tie clipped things just never got easier. He literally never happily suckled away like my heart so desperately longed for..

So we decided that I would make use of my awesome pump and I would work to pump multiple times daily and I would bottle feed. A hefty order to say the least, but I was determined that if he wouldn't nurse he'd at least get breast milk and not be on formula. I feel very blessed that my body responded well to that process.. Many women who are not able to nurse don't wind up being able to build a supply high enough to still only feed breast milk.

Anyways, as I opened with earlier, I am now obsessing about my "supply." Over the past months I built up quite a large freezer back stock as I almost always had a lot of milk left over at the end of the day. I had even looked into donating/selling my extra milk for preemies in hospital NICU units. I thankfully was deemed "ineligible" because I got a tattoo in January, and apparently a minimum of 3 months is required to wait after a tattoo to be able to donate any "bodily fluids." I was bothered by that in the moment but now feel blessed because it came in handy!

I was fairly sick about a month ago and was not able to eat properly or keep much food down at all and my milk supply took a sudden massive drop. I went from pumping about 40oz a day to barely getting 20. Hudson blew through the freezer stock and I am now staring at the need to start supplementing with formula. But I am once again looking to friends, strangers, forums, nurses, anyone really who can offer some advice to build my supply back up.. It is an obsession. Truly. I want the best for Hudson, and I know that is my breast milk.

Just a few of the things I have tried; oatmeal every morning for breakfast- which I kid you not, before I got sick ALWAYS did the trick, one bowl of oatmeal and a few hours later I'd be literally "bursting" at the seams needing to pump- Mother's milk organic tea which is meant to help boost milk production and lactation- brewers yeast sprinkled on my food- and sipping wine while I pump (not exactly sure how this one would help but I figured, ah what the heck!) I would try the fenugreek pills but I have a hard enough time getting one mutli-vitamin down daily- I can't bring myself to aiming for 6-9! Slowly but surely my supply is creeping back up.. I just wish it would hurry.

In all honesty, I am pretty heart broken by the fact that nursing didn't properly work out for us... but at the end of the day, I can rest knowing I have given it my all. I have genuinely tried everything that I could. And besides, there are plenty of perfectly healthy babies in the world that have had nothing but formula.. so the occasional bottle here or there isn't the end of the world. I have to be okay with that.

Not sure where this came from or why I felt the need to discuss breast milk with you all but there you have it.. Now you know yet another intimate detail about my life.

Much love and God bless!