As per ushe-

Uje? Uuuge?? Use?

I'm not entirely sure how to spell the shortened version of "usual" but I imagine you're hopefully still following what I mean.

As per usual- I've blogged about three dozen times in my head and have managed to do absolutely nothing about it until now. 

The last time I wrote anything down was last June, JUNE. And to be completely fair, I could just repost that one, edit the kids ages and call it a day. While we've had a lot going on- much still remains the same. And that's pretty okay in my book. We're in a pretty wonderfully wild season of life and I wouldn't change it for the world.

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What has changed? Well, let me tell you! 

I had a birthday. And didn't even post a birthday blog, I know. Heresy! I'm 27, staring down the barel of 28 and I feel awesome. I haven't felt more comfortable or confident in my own skin in my entire life than I do right now and it's great. Ageing has its perks, people!

I got a job! Very much-so part-time, mostly from home and truly a welcomed addition to my already full plate. I take care of Client Relations for our gym and I love it. 

Oh yeah, and we've converted to the religion of Crossfit. Haha! I kid. But, we DID start coming along to our local Crossfit Box last March, and we've managed to keep up with it since. Nic had this idea that we should start working out together- he saw an opportunity to spend time together and get fit and I saw an opportunity to get out of the house twice a week. Sign me up.

I went back to school. And I've already wrapped up the first level of certification for Sports and Exercise Nutrition! No one would have been able to convince me I'd be walking down this road 10 years ago, but boy, am I glad that I am. I've attempted getting back to school a few times since becoming a mom and it finally worked out! I left UNM so unsure of any career path I'd like to go down, went to worship ministry school (and loved it) and somewhere between all of that-  realized that changing my diet (and cutting certain chemicals from beauty products)  had positively changed (healed) my diagnosis of PCOS at 18. It sparked a passion for nutrition education and I am SO pleased that I have finally been able to take some steps towards fullfilling that desire!

Hudson started school. Say what?! I have a school aged kid and oh my word, it has been a wild ride. He's tired, but thriving. We are SO proud of him. Just tonight in the car we were practicing math equations (his request) and he's simply blowing us away! He is so bright, and so sweet, and we are loving seeing him blossom. (Oh and Aubrey has started going to preschool one day a week- that's right- I have a whole day/5.5hrs a week to. my. self. Praise Jesus, hallelujah.)

We bought a section! (Or a lot, for my American friends.) And we've started the process of building our first home! It feels unreal. From the very start I found myself looking for permission from a more adultier adult. And in a way, since we had to get the okay from the bank, we kinda did!

Nic's company has celebrated it's second year and is steadily growing. It has been such a delight and honor to see my husband grow in his confidence and wisdom with every passing week. I am so proud of his hard work!

I've become an Auntie again! My big bro Matt and sis-in-law Bri joined the baby bandwagon with the welcome of my first nephew last month! He's handsome and wonderful and I simply CAN NOT WAIT to officially meet him next year. Also, babe dós from Kev and Meryl is on the way and I CAN'T WAIT. My kids have cousins and I think that's FAN-FRIGGIN-TASTIC.

We've planned a trip to the states for the end of the year and my heart is just so ready. We'll be spending time in Cali (unless my lovely in-laws relocate) NM and a brief stint in Florida for a cruise with my fam! I'm so thankful to have such a beautiful family- so willing to make things happen to see each other. It helps SO much with living so far away. 

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Still the same? Just about everything else!

Our kids are loco. And cool.  And I sometimes lose it. 

I'm feeling more and more like myself these days but  do still get overwhelmed and forget to breathe sometimes.

We still love Jesus. And we're still actively involved at Grace Vineyard's Pegasus Campus, in fact, that's where our new house will be- Pegasus Town. We're so looking forward to being more immersed in the community! We still have the honor of heading up one of the worship teams there. Nic is doing incredibly well with a fresh push towards songwriting and I've had the privilege of getting to preach a couple times and have plans to do more in the future. We love our church family and love seeing people's hearts turning towards God.

We are still busy doing life. Three kids, work, the school run, packing lunches, multiple kitchen runs for various snacks each day, trying (somewhat half-heartedly) to limit screen time, taking walks and adventures, running errands and grocery shopping, laundry (so much laundry), avoiding US politics chats at.all.costs, Facetiming American family and friends and keeping up with our local family and friends. 

Annnnnd we're still just a family of 5. (Phew!)

 

-Rest-

How did we wind up here? How do we always wind up here? There's no rhyme or reason.

Some days it happens in a split second- others it's a gradual climb to boiling point, but it happens nonetheless. Far too often,  if you ask me.

Some days it feels like I'm drowning. And others like I'm soaring above the clouds. 

Some moments melt my heart. And others force me to face the chasm between my ability to love well and my need for sanity. 

Motherhood. Parenting. Life between four walls with three small people with very big personalities. I could have never imagined my life would look like this! I want to run away from it all and hold on for dear life all at the same time! 

I have an incredible best friend, who I happen to be lucky enough to have married. I have three small people that are tiny, remarkable, tornadoes. I have a Heavenly Father who is ever-so patient with me. We have a business we are blessed to be running. We have a church family we are so thankful to be a part of. We have a beautiful life. 

And yet, somewhere along the line I lose it. I fail to find my footing, and I respond too harshly. 

The four year old is arguing about the mess he made two days ago. He doesn't want to clean it. He needs "help." And maybe I should help. I don't know. 

The two year old is melting down on the stairs, kicking the wall. She's mad that I walked down the stairs without her. Maybe I should scoop her up. I don't know. 

The one year old is sitting in her high hair, yelling and throwing food. Peanut butter toast and mandarins aren't what she wanted, apparently. Maybe it's teething, or maybe bananas will do the trick. I. Just. Don't. Know.

I want to know, but in this very moment, I feel nothing but panic. I want to flee instead of help, scoop or MasterChef some mystery food the one year old wants.

Where is my peace, my calm?

I'm looking for it in all the wrong places. I look for it from my cup of coffee first thing in the morning, or in my expectation of my children being pleasant and thankful for all the hard things I do, I look for it in my husband who has also had a stressful day keeping a new company running smoothly.  I look for it in my music, in worship, in walking outside and getting some sun on my face. I look for it in myself somedays.

Since when was I WonderWoman who was capable of conjuring up some magical calm in the midst of chaos? NEVER.

And despite all of my searching, some days I'm still left feeling empty. Drained. Weary. So, very, broken.

And there it comes, the still soft whisper.. The gentle reminder.

"I am here."

"You're not alone."

"In Me, you find strength."

"In ME, you find peace."

"In Me, you find rest."

Come to me, all who are weary, and I will give you rest. Come to me, all you who are weary, and I will give you rest. Come to me, all who are weary, and I will give you rest.

My hope. My anchor. My resting place.

This life wasn't meant to be tackled alone, people. Life with littles, life in general- we're made for communion with Jesus. We're made for connection with our Creator.  Without it, there is no peace.

Sweet Baby Mae

Did you know we have a little miracle living in our midst?

It feels a bit crazy to only just now be sitting down to tell her story but life comes at us quickly, and I find that I only seem to have the time or inspiration to write moments before drifting off to sleep. In those times I most often choose clicking my phone off, rolling over and nuzzling into Nic. Because he's the best. But you already know that.

I only realized I hadn't taken the time to tell her story when we were preparing for her first birthday (say WHAT?!) and I randomly clicked on my blog link on my Instagram profile and saw that my last post was months ago and I had nothing on here that hinted at what had been going on. I don't want to lose the opportunity to tell it while it is somewhat fresh in our minds. And if not for my sake, then for hers, so we never ever forget to remind her of what God did.

It all started with what you already know- a totally shocking discovery of our pregnancy. One I had a really hard time coping with, for various reasons- I still was grieving our quick move from the states, missing my family like crazy and in all honesty, battling some crippling bouts of anxiety and depression. A surprise pregnancy all but pushed me over the edge. But you already know that, because I've already shared that story. This isn't about that.

After selecting my midwife and having an appointment with her, we went in for our 12 week scan. At this point we still hadn't told many people about our news, as we figured we would wait until we had a little scan photo to send along to announce to our families overseas. I genuinely was looking forward to seeing a tiny person on the screen. It always seemed to help things feel more real. Somehow something beyond the pink plus sign and nauseating morning sickness would help me feel a bit more ready.  Nic was able to take the morning off of work and we had an auntie kind enough to look after the big kids for us. We both sat in the waiting room with a shared feeling of anticipation. The wait took much longer than expected, but we happily sat together enjoying the break from our normal routines. When we were called into one of the clinic rooms the scan technician went through all of the usual procedures, gave us some full body shots of the babe to marvel at and quieted down as she continued to carefully scan every millimeter of this tiny person bouncing on the screen. She seemed to be paying close attention to the nuchal translucency. {A  collection of fluid behind a baby's neck that is measured to asses potential for Down Syndrome or other chromosomal abnormalities.} We'd never had a scan this early with our other two babes so we weren't quite  sure what we were looking at but she seemed perplexed. And a bit out of the blue, she scurries out of the cozy room and returns a few minutes later saying she'd just needed to confirm a few things with her superior. She'd never seen a measurement as high as what our baby was showing. We didn't really know what the heck she was talking about but she starts shuffling around saying she'd called over to the lab and they were going to send me over for some blood tests and mumbling nonsense about how sorry she was, and "this scan is on us, you don't need to pay for this." We were stunned. She had us sit back in the "holding area" while she printed off a picture for us and said something to the affect of "Better luck next time." Not. Kidding.

The lady at the front knew I was coming ad shoved me to the front of the line for "urgent blood work." Whatever that meant. A few arm jabs later and we were headed home. Confused and so weirded out by how everyone was treating us. They told me my midwife would be in contact with me soon. Naturally, I thought this would mean a few weeks later but she called before we even made it half way home. She gave me a lot of information. My blood work revealed really high numbers for the risk of various syndromes, and we were being referred to the specialists at the hospital. Any steps taken towards further monitoring or further testing would be 100% up to us and she'd support us the entire way. It was a lot to take in. What was going on?! How could this be? We're young, have had healthy pregnancies in the past, have no real family history of this sort of thing... But here we were. Staring down the potential of having a baby with chromosomal abnormalities. My mind went to all of the things that could have caused it-- Was it my fault? Because I had been so upset? Had my crazy emotional stress caused this? Was it because I'd had trouble with ovarian cysts when I was younger?Or maybe because I had a chest Xray for my  immigration paperwork during the early days of the pregnancy and I was none-the-wiser? Was it like what my mom's wee baby sister had that passed away when she was only a few days old? Why on earth would our baby be abnormal? It just didn't make sense. I cried. But not much, or for very long. There was an undeniable peace that overcame Nic and I both.

The peace, the resolve- it was almost instant. It was incredible, you guys. I went from struggling with confusion and frustration to finding myself excited and ready to tell off anyone who expected us to end the pregnancy. We recognized our need to let go, everything about this was literally out of our control. If we ran all the tests they suggested, and discovered there was a definite chromosomal abnormality- it wouldn't have changed the course of the pregnancy. It could be a scary thought learning how to adjust to life with a special needs child but-- every baby is different, you adjust to their specific needs one way or the other- this wouldn't be any different. We would love and cherish our baby the same. This baby was 100% the Lord's. We hadn't planned for this tiny person, but God knew all along. And if our family was meant to walk this path we would. We were not to fear. We could choose to spend 30 more weeks in misery wondering what could be.. or commit it all to the Lord and let Him be in control. We couldn't change what already was.

Somewhere along the next few weeks we told our families and closest friends about the babe that was on the way. We mentioned what had been found in the scan and in our blood work to our parents and siblings but really kept it to ourselves beyond that. The scan photo hung on our fridge and we smiled every time we saw it. We even had an accidental announcement because of the photo! Our church plant core team had a meeting at our house one week and one of the guys must have seen it when he went into the kitchen congratulated Nic in front of everyone, haha. Beans spilled everywhere.  But we had a good laugh about it. Everyone was excited! We'd be starting this new church with a brand new baby! (Two of the other families wound up sharing the same news before we had kick off, three brand new babies from the core team, pretty awesome if you ask me!)

Fast forward to our 20 week scan. We were told we had to have some sort of special scan to monitor the extra things they'd called into question so I called the original place we'd been to and they booked us in. After we arrived for our appointment and waited for well over an hour, they came in to tell us we'd have to book in somewhere else- they were sorry but they hadn't seen the note in the file and the woman who was trained for this kind of ultrasound worked in a different location. This gave us a few days window before the next scan.

In this time, our close friends and some people we hardly knew had found themselves really pressed to be praying for us and our wee person. They weren't sure why. So they asked, and though we'd never felt like we needed to share what had been seen at the first scan, we told them about it, and about the mix up with the 20 week scan. These lovely people jumped at the opportunity to come pray for us..  Maybe this was why there had been a mistake made.. We needed to be praying. Of course we needed to be praying.

I made my way to the 20 week scan where they, once again, found something wrong. There was a cyst on the placenta. The nuchal fold was still astronomically thick. And the babes bowels were echogenic. {Which means they were visible on the scan- highly unusual, but points to infection or internal bleeding.} The scan technician verifies some things with her superior and once again, delivers some news I'd rather have not heard. All 3 factors are indicators of chromosomal abnormalities, we'd have our information sent along to the board of specialists to have a look at and we really should consider having extra testing done. Which would mean having a placenta sample taken and an amniocentesis. Still firm in our decision to not worry about what was going on too badly, as far as abnormal chromosomes went, we declined the testing again.

We didn't want to be fearful or panicky, but we also didn't want to be irresponsible. If there were step we should be taking or things to do to better look after our baby we wanted to know them. So we agreed to start seeing the specialists at the hospital. A few weeks later, one of the specialists called us into her office, she wanted to see first hand what was going on in my belly. Within 4 weeks the cyst on the placenta had grown, nearly doubled in fact, and the baby's bowels were still showing up.. The nuchal fold was decreasing in thickness but she said that it was fairly normal around this time anyways, since this was the gestational age where babies generally start to grow by leaps and bounds- which would always mean the neck stretching out a bit... So good news, ish. More good news was that, physically speaking the baby was growing perfectly- bones, organs, everything else looked great. She wanted me to get blood drawn to rule out infections for causing the bowels to show up, and mentioned that while the cyst was growing, it didn't seem to have a vascular component, which meant it wasn't drawing away from her blood supply. They couldn't be sure, but they assumed it was just some amniotic fluid. There were so many unknowns, and she kept reiterating that we wouldn't really know what was going on until we met this tiny person.

The weeks continued to pass, my blood work continued to point to a whole host of problems and I suffered from long bouts of prodromal labor. Hours of timetable, real contractions that would start and stop had my fear of meeting our babe too early on crazy levels. While I had resolved to trust God fully, I still was human (and hormonal), and would find myself a bit emotional from time to time. Frustrated and worried. Praying, and begging for forgiveness for feeling so angry in the beginning. I wanted this baby to be okay, they just had to be. Despite the hospital staffs strange jokes about trying to get the cyst to rupture, "Jump on a trampoline.. Or go on some jest skis. Haha! Maybe that could solve this problem! Who knows?!" I found myself instinctively trying to be extra cautious, not wanting to lift things that were too heavy, or do anything that could cause the cyst to rupture.

Our amazing support came from family and friends alike. Everyone was looking after us and praying for us, helping us with any babysitting needs we had.  We didn't share too much of the scary news with people, aside from the core group of people that had been praying for us, because more than anything we didn't want it to take away from any excitement there was for the new babe. God was in control! If there was anything we found to be of importance to share we would, but we mostly kept a lot of it to ourselves. We continued to monitor everything through scans every few weeks (which, by the way, made waiting to know the sex of the baby nearly impossible but we somehow managed!), by about week 34 they'd made it clear we'd need to deliver early. The cyst was growing so much that it could start to impede baby's growth and with the other heightened risk factors they didn't want to take any chances on getting baby out too late. They booked us in for delivery the day after 38 weeks.

I was a bit terrified of being induced. I had heard so many horror stories over the years that I couldn't fathom it ending in anything other than some emergency situation.. It went against everything I'd every hoped or wanted for the births of any of my children. But my midwife was confident that all the contractions I'd been having had readied my body and the induction medications would simply give me the boost I needed to finally move into active labor. She was such a huge help and encouragement throughout the entire process, she just made me promise to try to not make her miss the Cricket World Cup Final! I made no such promise. Haha! And its good that I didn't because while the staff at the hospital seemed to think it'd take days for the induction, it took a little less than 12 hours.

{Insert long and brutal birth story where the hospital staff didn't believe I was in labor so they didn't bother monitoring me or baby properly, and I almost hemorrhaged, and my midwife misses the Final here}

Guess what?

She is perfect.

Her health is perfect.

Her chromosomes are all normal.

The extra Special Care Unit (NICU) staff were not needed and were quietly ushered out of the room while I held my perfect little angel.

The months we would have spent worrying about what life would be like with a child with Down or Turner syndrome would have all been for naught.

We gave her to God from the start and I am so thankful.

She is such a joy to our lives.

Her pregnancy and infancy changed me, healed me, and helped me discover more about myself than I ever thought possible.

Oh, and the cyst? Well, that old thing was nearly the size of her head. And it was on her umbilical chord pooling her blood. And though they sent it off to a lab, it yielded no clear answers on the how, what or why. It should have ruptured during labor, if not weeks before, which would have caused her to bleed out, or drown in her own blood. I stand firm in my belief that the only reason she had a high nuchal translucency at the start was so  we'd have to go back for extra testing and find the cyst. If I had gone through the usual relaxed pregnancy approach and not been so cautious, there's no way to know if she would have been okay. I believe she survived and is healthy today is because of the prayers of our incredible friends and family. They will always be a part of her story, and it will always be told as so.

Thank you to all of our precious friends who tirelessly covered our wee girl in prayer. We're forever connected by our sweet miracle girl, Aubrey Mae.

"The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.." James 5:16
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." Philippians 4:6
"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances.." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-17

Familia.

It's easy to forget how much fun you have with your family.

It's right there, always in the back of your mind- the memory is what makes you miss them, the desire to connect with them is what pushes you to call or text or FaceTime, the anticipation is why you're always so excited to make plans. But still, you forget. 

And then after months of preparing and anticipating... 10 of them come pouring into your new home country for a 2 week whirlwind adventure. And your heart nearly explodes with joy.

What I would have done to hit pause! To have a few minutes just to take it all in and cement everything in my memory. To keep them all here, for crying out loud! These are my people!! 

Yes, they used to be stinky, loud brothers who often used me as a sports practice dummy, (not that that paid off with any athleticism, I'm fairly hopeless in that realm) but I must have some pretty awesome mummy-brain these days because I don't really look back and remember any angst towards them. I think of my childhood with these 4 boys as happy, fun, and really-truly- enjoyable. Now, we're all grown up.. Building families of our own and I just so desperately don't want these moments, these shared experiences, to never end.

We made a bit of a deal a while back to try and do Christmas together every 2nd year... And I am SO glad it is still working. I hope it always does!

5 Hansen's. 4 brothers. 3 sisters. 2 parents. 1 baby neice. Our crew of 15 traveled the South Island in a rented church van and our 7 seater vehicle. We went up through Kaikoura to Picton, into the Marlborough sounds, down through Hokitika and Greymouth, across to Wanaka, and Queenstown and then back up to Christchurch/Rangiora. 

But like all good things.. it had to come to an end. (What a crap saying, by the way.) Slowly but surely they boarded planes, I tried not to cry, and we said our goodbyes. 

My heart filled with joy just moments before, suddenly feels a bit sad, and I remember why exactly I was so excited to see them all. They're like home to me. It doesn't matter where we all wind up, how far away I live, or how many more mini-me's (of theirs, not mine!) get added to the mix- they're my family. My beautiful, funny, tall, loving, adventurous family. And that's something that will ALWAYS stir the joy right back into my sad heart. 

NZ will have a place for you as long as I'm here. Until next time, you beautiful, beautiful Mullaney's. 

This Day.

This day is beautiful and sunny and warm. But I wouldn't get too excited- things are bound to change. There most certainly will be another cold week or two or three.. And there's always potential for another snow fall.

NZ springtime is beautiful, there are cherry blossoms everywhere, yummy smelling flowers abounding and the sun FINALLY starts sticking around later than 4pm. It's glorious. 

Last year I was caught off guard on many occasions needing to have brought a cardi, or pack an extra layer for the kids... So this year I've tried to be a bit more on to it. Of course I'm not 100% successful, but I think my going rate is already better than last years. Hooray for the small successes, yeah? 

A lot of days go like this:

Wake up to cold temps (4-5C maybe?), layer up, layer children up, pack blankets into the car and head out for the day. Drop biggest at school. Go to beach in multiple layers with little ladies. Out of NOWHERE it gets hot and you must peel all layers off. All of them but the bottom layer.. And even then you're still feeling a bit too warm. Head home to put on shorts and tank top. This lasts about 1hr. Pick up big kid, play in remaining warmth.. Sun starts setting and layers pile back on, kids go to bed in winter jammies. And you keep layering up until you're a lump under a blanket wondering if you should turn the heater on. 

We like it here. That's for sure. 

Our biggest girl starts preschool soon. And I'm caught between wanting to rejoice and sing from the mountain tops and this faint bit of sadness... One whole day a week that she will be away from me. That 52 days a year! She's going to be off bringing smiles to someone else, singing and dancing and asking silly questions to someone else... That makes me a little sad. Once again, the ridiculous dichotomy that is motherhood. The battle between sadness and joy. Pushing forward and holding on. 

Grow on, sweet girl. Mommy will try to keep up. 

Did you hear?

Someone did something they weren't supposed to. And someone offended someone else. And maybe we don't actually know what happened but we've heard this from someone else.. and since they know so many things it must be true. Why would anyone make something like this up? Or twist the truth to sound like this?

It doesn't really matter, so long as we have someone to talk about, right? Just to discuss. We're totally not judging. And this definitely isn't gossip. Yeah. Not gossip, because we just love them so much. (And seemingly can't wait to drag their name through the mud.)

Did you hear how they wanted to justify, themselves? So ridiculous! How could anyone ever think such behavior was alright? 

But we all know the truth. Right? They're such hypocrites.  And we're gonna talk about it forever. Keep bringing it up. Never let it die. (I mean, really, their behavior is appalling.)

Forgive and forget. That's what they tell us. But do we ever? Is it something we're even capable of? Not with everyone keeping score. 

To truly love someone is to see past the discretion, to have grace in the darkest of moments. Isn't this what Jesus taught? 

Love your neighbor as yourself? But I suppose if we all hate ourselves then this behavior makes perfect sense.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, ENDURES all things. Love never fails. 

Can we do this? Can we even stand the thought of not holding something over their heads?

They say time heals all, but what I've found is that time just makes the lines go fuzzy. Between right and wrong, fact or fiction. Cautionary tale or platform to tear someone else down.

Did she really say that or was that how I told the story? 

Round and round we go. Rude remark after crude remark. Hushed comments, snickers and eye rolling. (You see those splinters? Ghastly, don't you think?)

But what about the log in our own eye? 

Perhaps instead of waiting for an apology we always seem to feel owed we can look for things to make right. Think of ways we may have caused hurt. (No, certainly not me. I'm a respectable Christian woman.)

Maybe we can find better things to talk about, instead of constantly belittling those who have done wrong. 

Maybe we can discuss relationship issues within our marriages instead of enlisting outside opinions from family or friends. 

And perhaps we can keep things to ourselves that people have confided in us. 

But... Surely, you must have heard by now. 

Someone did something. And we're so relieved. Because maybe now we won't have to face ourselves. 

Hope26.

If you know anything about me, you'll know that I love lists. I write to-do lists, prayer lists, packing lists, shopping lists, song lists...

Suffice to say- the list of my lists goes on and on.

There's something almost therapeutic for me to have a clear and concise view of goals or tasks at hand. My inner organizer rejoices when I get to cross things off. Completing a list is gratifying in the most fantastic way. I like to know what I need to get done, when it needs to be done by, what I'd like to do and perhaps something to get done today so I won't have to do it tomorrow. Can I get an amen?

If you'll remember, I also like birthday lists. Taking time each year as another candle finds its way onto my cake to reflect on the past year, life in general, the ups and down, etc, and compile my thoughts into some sort of, you guessed it, list. :)

I've reflected over this past year, and tried to piece together everything from my initial frustrations with finding out I was pregnant to our refusal to give into the fear doctors were trying to instill in us and to the absolute JOY this precious girl has brought me- I can't help but be overwhelmed with an incredible sense of hope. This year has been truly remarkable for me!

And what a beautiful thing to focus on for the next: 

Hope.

With a hopeful heart I bid farewell to 25, and welcome 26 with open arms. 

Without further ado:

I hope to embrace this motherhood role with an increasing amount of joy and purpose. 

I hope to be able to focus on the positives and not be overwhelmed by the pressure that comes with raising three little humans. 

I hope to point these little people to Jesus at every possible turn. 

I hope to love with an increased ability and capacity. 

I hope to become more healthy: physically, emotionally and mentally.

I hope to keep up with swimming laps each week, and add in some other forms of exercise as my body continues healing from the insanity of having 3 babies in 3 1/2 years, bearing in mind that fitness does not define me. 

I hope to relish in the moments of Aubrey's littleness and not get caught up looking forward to her "next milestone." This goes for each of my children, really.

I hope to find a more realistic and productive way of managing stress and anxiety. 

I hope to be happy.

I hope to be steadfast and strong.

I hope to be a loving wife, a prayerful wife and a better friend to my husband. 

I hope to find peace amidst the chaos of raising these precious gifts that God has given us.

I hope to find time to study the Bible in depth.

I hope to seek the truth in everything, to not be persuaded by a well worded blog post, or to buy into every article in our click-bait filled world. 

I hope to become more knowledgeable in the things that matter to me and to find time to educate myself on the things I don't understand. 

I hope to find peace of mind. 

I hope to see a successful church plant in Pegasus, for the community there to be impacted by the love of God, the gospel of Jesus and the humble way we are trying to be a conduit for both of those things.

I hope Nic and I grow in our musical skills, in leading worship and inviting people into the presence of God.

I hope Nic and I grow in our marriage.

I hope our kids start sleeping more consistently. 

I hope to see my family and show them around this beautiful country I've come to call home.

I hope to find time to decorate our home and make it feel more like ours and less like a rental. 

I hope Charlotte gets into preschool and does well with that transition. 

I hope we get lots of family time, and make some lasting memories for our wee bunch. 

I hope we make progress with saving money for buying our first family home. 

I hope to find more time to write.

I hope to have grace for each moment, trying, trivial or wonderful as they may be.

And one more for good measure, let's be real y'all- more than anything-

I hope that I don't get pregnant. Like ever again. Ever. :)

{May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. Romans 15:13 ESV}

Secret Life of Mum's

Chapter One: &$@!ing Morningtime 

Without fail the early morning pitter patter of feet coming into your bedroom is met with sheer denial. It doesn't matter if it comes in the form of a cheery toddler or a grumpy kid, the response remains the same... 

*thud thud thud*

No, no, no, no, no, no, nope..

*shuffle shuffle shuffle*

Maybe if I don't move they'll go away...

"Moooomm.... Daaaad...."

 I'm not here. Just. Keep. Still...

*loud whisper* "Mom. Mooooom. Daddy!!" 

"Shhhhh, it's too early. Go back to bed, buddy."

Wait, what time is it? Oh. Okay. Sigh. 

"Hey buddy! Good morning. Hi! How was your sleep? Did you have good dreams? How are you feeling?? Let's go downstairs, shhhhhh."

Some days the conversation goes a little differently or the radio silence can last a bit longer but.. You get the idea.

Every. Single. Morning. 

Chapter Two: Breakfast

For centuries mums have been known to hide out, either on the kitchen floor or in the pantry (laundry room, broom closet, etc.) and eat their breakfast. *

Not because they crave a domestic aesthetic more pleasing than the sight of small children smearing oatmeal on a table, but because sometimes they just don't feel like sharing. Also, it can be a bit cumbersome- making breakfast for kids that are sure to reject it the second you sit down to eat your own. Even if it's the same thing. 

*Please note that the hiding out is not strictly associated with breakfast time. Hiding out can be practiced throughout the day whenever a mother sees fit. 

Chapter 3: The Chores

Ever wonder why it takes so long for laundry to get folded and put away? I can tell you.

Because it requires two hands, coffee-powered motivation, nap-less bedrooms, the stars to align, a dash of black magic and a big flashing DO NOT DISTURB sign. 

Admittedly, that's a bit of an exaggeration but, the first few needs are true- if the task requires two hands it likely isn't getting done until midnight.* Except for putting away the laundry, of course, because that requires bedrooms to be free of sleeping children. 

So.

Good luck with that one, mom. 

Make a pb&j? Simple.

(Carefully) slice an apple or carrot sticks? Done.

Load the dishwasher or start a laundry cycle? Easy. 

Wipe down a countertop or spot sweep a kitchen? I can almost do that with my eyes closed. 

These chores are all easy because they only require the use of one hand, and since I'm always holding, rocking, bouncing or consoling a little one with my other, it's easy to get swamped by those two handed tasks. 

*This also answers the age-old queries: 

Why do the dishes pile up in the sink? Why doesn't the house get mopped? Why are there toys stuck all the way under the couch? 

Why are there cobwebs in every corner?

Why does she always look like she's about to fall asleep?

Say it with me now- if the task requires two hands it isn't getting done until midnight. 

Chapter Four: The Lies

Are you aware of the fact that probably a third of what your parents told you is untrue? Not because they outright wanted to deceive you but because sometimes it's fun to let little imaginations run wild--- and also, sometimes the truth is a little too much for tiny minds to deal with--And, even sometimes, it can be easier than dealing with the temperamental backlash of a toddler. 

Elf on a Shelf, Santa, Tooth Fairy, growing donuts out of Cheerios, replacing goldfish after they've died, sending beloved pets to a "farm"...

"All the gummy bears are gone, buddy!" 

"The steam coming out over there? That's the cloud factory!!" 

"This juice that I'm drinking? This is yucky. You won't like it."

"Maybe we will go to the park later!!"

"The paci fairy is coming to take your paci to the little babies that need them.."

"Mommy and daddy were just wrestling, honey!!"

See what I mean? The lies never end.

Chapter Five: The Husbands

Who signed up to walk with you through the thick and thin (including waist lines)?

Who's cheesy jokes are enough to bring a smile to your face? 

Who's very presence in a room can change the entire atmosphere of your home??

Yes, indeed, the man of your dreams, your very best friend, the one who did this to you.. However you look at it, he's your number one ally in the parenting world. The best person to navigate the back to back colds with, the diaper explosions while out grocery shopping, and the never ending questions from your budding preschooler. 

Stressful day? Give him a call.

Terrorist toddler strikes again? Nice long hug can cure all.

Anxiety wrecking your ability to even move? Lean in, take a deep breath and let him take the reigns. 

He's got you. 

Chapter Six: The Help

Where would mommies be without extra help from time to time? 

You can never understand the true value of helpful aunties, or friends who don't mind a couple extra kids for an afternoon, until you're a bit downtrodden, frazzled and in desperate need of a moment to run errands or clean without things immediately being destroyed or just sit and breathe.

Into your home they trot, fresh faced, polished and is that a little hope you can see in their eyes?? Not even a hint of fear or trepidation? They want to help you. 

And for the love of God, woman, take it.

We may never be able to fully verbalize the depth of our gratitude for people willing to step in and hold a little one for a while, or do the dishes, or take the big kids to the pool...  But believe me, it's DEEP. And heartfelt. And so very desperately needed. 

Chapter Seven: The Plans

There's an old saying, "Man plans and God laughs." But I think it really should be changed to, "Mothers plan and children do everything in their power to destroy them."

Suden illness, battle royale between siblings, lost shoes, diaper explosions, sudden need for food RIGHT NOW, broken zippers, meltdown over getting hair combed, peed in pants, stomping in muddy puddles, crying because of the lost shoes, "Oh look! All the toys in my room ended up on the floor!," dying of thirst, slow motion everything, someone got into mommy's makeup, someone found the sticker stash, someone fell asleep while waiting for everyone else to get ready, someone is behaving like a completely normal small child....

Just a few examples. Not that any of them have ever happened to me, cause I'm never late. My plans ALWAYS work out 100%. 

Jk.

Chapter Eight: The Crying

There's lots of it. 

And I'm not talking about the kids.

I'm talking about the ugly, snotty, balled up on the floor weeping that comes after a hellish morning of bad tempers and there's no peace in sight. I'm talking 5 months post partum and you're working your butt off to slim down but your clothes still don't fit and you aren't comfortable in your own skin tears. Or the house is a wreck, kids are hell-bent on destruction, dinner is burnt, husband will be home any minute and all you wanted was to have a clean home and nice meal for him to come home to crying. And need I remind you of the late night, so very tired, and so very overwhelmed by every little thing, but trying to not wake your husband tears. 

I see you, Mama. You're not alone. This mom life can be tough. It's exhausting. It's hard work that sometimes feels will never pay off. It's laundry, and dishes, and tempers, and chaos. It is all-consumingly, devastatingly wonderful.

Chapter Nine: The Happy Stuff

Here is where I want to end. 

The days are long but the years are so very short. Our babies turn into toddlers who turn into preschoolers... And let's face it, that's as far as I've gotten. 

But in the midst of all of the craziness are dozens, thousands really, of beautiful moments and memories to be had. 

Giggles in the blanket fort, ecstatic grins from being hoisted into air like a rocket, days spent entirely in jammies, baking messes from helping hands, swinging in the hammock together, nice long walks when springtime is making its entrance, breathing in sweet baby cuddles, freshly bathed toddlers without the slightest hint of grubby fingers or faces.. The list is endless.

And I think the ultimate secret of motherhood is to focus on these wonderful things, right? 

To let go of the frustrations that come with raising children and dig your heels in deep for the moments that matter. To not listen to the voices that tell you this is too much, or that you can't do it and just smile. To remember the monotonous moments as just little stepping stones to the sweet ones that really matter. To not take everything so seriously, let go of the need to control everything and just let kids be kids sometimes. Let love and joy dictate your day. Breathe them in while they're just a breath away. 

Oh, and hey, guess what... I suck at this. I get it downright backwards sometimes but I'm trying. And that's all anyone can really ask of me. 

And there you have it, all the secrets have been spilled. The lid has been blown right off. Can of beans- all over the floor.

No really, there's a can of beans on the floor that I need to clean up. Catch ya later. 

"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:7

Jumble.

So many things to say, so little time to sit down and put them eloquently.

{WE HAD A GIRL. }

Aubrey Mae is her name, petite and pudgy is her game.  

We are absolutely in love with this little bundle and are soaking up as much of these early newborn moments as possible. I hesitate to say, only because of our track record with surprise pregnancies, she's perfectly completed our family. This sweet girl is the calm to Hudson and Charlotte's chaos. The happy glue that holds us all together. And she's nearly 3 months old. Which means taking care of 3 very little kids leaves me with very little time to sit down and write anything. Once again I am a puddle of sentiment and sadness; clouded by fresh bathed fuzzy head smooches and frantic cleaning between long nursing sessions; overwhelmed with delightful snuggles and dark-eyed drowsiness. We are so thankful to the Lord for her little life. She truly is our miracle! (More on that when I have more time. Seriously awesome testimony.) 

{We've lived in NZ for over a YEAR.}

How did this even happen? Where did the time go? How many rhetorical questions can I pose before moving on?! I know so much has already happened but it still seems impossible for it to have already been a year. I love it here, and it does feel like home to me, even though the reality of just how far I am officially sank in around Christmastime. And randomly sneaks in on me when I'm feeling a little down. I saw a picture of the Pacific Ocean and its HUGE presence on this side of the world, and I finally understood why it costs so much to fly here. You practically have to cover 1/3 of the Earth's surface area to get here! I miss my family terribly, and so desperately wish we were all closer but it will make the times I do get to see them all that much sweeter. We thankfully have two of Nic's sisters here, which really helps me to feel a bit more at ease about having the kids so far from all their Aunts and Uncles and Grandparents.  At least they have a couple Aunties nearby to love on them! And I have a couple of sisters to talk to and do fun things with, which in and of itself is ridiculously awesome, ya know- since I didn't have any "real" sisters up until about 5 years ago. Of course, we still have our wonderful abundance of Great Aunties and Uncles, Nana and cousins here, but it's extra special to have siblings nearby. You get what I mean. 

We still live in our awesome house with the big yard, although now that it's winter we've had to keep to the only warm room (don't get me started on the hilarity of NZ's lack of warm homes) and that's starting to drive me a bit mad. Keeping three kids indoors, in one room, is pure insanity. But it's the only real option this time of year. And that's okay for now.. So long as I remember to breathe deeply and take up afternoon drinking... I kid. 

About the deep breathing part. 

I often think of really poignant topics I'd like to write about. Or a fairly current event I'd like to voice an opinion on. But then life gets in the way and before I know it, the current event is old news, and I'm left writing about the only thing my brain can even focus on, motherhood. 

I've come to the realization that I'm just in a phase of life where most of my great ideas fail to begin, chores go unfinished, and my deep thoughts are better left to pillow talk. And that's okay for now. Again, so long as I remember to breathe deeply... And take up afternoon drinking. 

Okay, now I kid. I'll save the wine for when Nic comes home and can enjoy some with me. 

Until next time.

(I wouldn't hold your breath.)

{glimpse}

This life. My world. Reality. Who doesn't love a play by play of the monotonous?

Just going about my day, looking after kids, trying to keep my head screwed between my two shoulders and I casually walk into the kitchen to get my lukewarm cup of coffee. Walking past the dining room I think;

"I need to take these chairs back into the living room." 

Pick up one of the two that need moving, carry it into living room. Tiedeously place it in its correct spot, and turn to head to get the other chair; 

"Oh, woops, didn't realize the kids got the blocks out this morning, I better pick those up." 

Bend down, pick up 1,000 blocks* and notice under the edge of the couch are a pair of shoes. 

"That's right! I wanted to get all the shoes picked up today! I think there are some by the front door as well."

Pick up shoes, and some trash left on the couch, grab other shoes by door and head upstairs. Put shoes in respective closets and toss trash in bathroom bin.

"Ugh. That's looking full. I'll take it out before it starts overflowing." 

Pull out bag, tie it shut, realize there are no more empty bags stuffed in the bottom of the bin. Head downstairs with bag of trash and mental note to replace the bags ASAP. Detour to second bathroom to check on trash status. 

"Just as I suspected, also needs emptying." 

Pick up bag and start tying it shut, when I hear from the yard- 

"MOOOOOOM!!!! AGHHHHH!!! $@!/&@%#+?!!!" 

"Hmm. That can't be good. Better go outside."

Set down both bags of trash and head outside. 

One kid has the other pinned to the ground with bike, and shows no remorse. Awesome.  

Split second decision to NOT flip out and instead, calmly approach and find out what happened. Turns out it was a collision and not at all on purpose. Phew. That was a close one. 

"Okay you guys, let's be careful around each other! It hurts when we wreck into each other! Are you okay? Do you want to go inside for a little while?"

No way, lady. 

"Alright, back inside.. Now what was I doing? Uhm.. Dishes? Was I sweeping? No... Vacuuming? No.. Laundry? Must have been that."

Walk to the laundry room, pull out finished load, fill up washer with new load-

"Hang on a sec.. There are some towels upstairs I wanted to add to this! Better run up and grab them so I can start this load." 

Start heading upstairs- 

"Nope. Kris. Go back. If you don't hang the clothes out now you'll forget and then they'll get smelly and gross.. You can get the towels later." 

Grab basket of clean wet clothes and walk to clothesline. Admire kids playing nicely together in sandbox.. 

"Oh crap, they saw me.. Don't make eye contact. Don't make eye contact. Don't make eye conta... Hi baby!! Did you want to come help momma hang the clothes? What a sweetheart! You two, bubba?? Wow! Thank you so much!" 

Get clothes up on line as quickly as possible... Then spend a few minutes picking up "clean" wet clothes from the grass and surrounding area.. Hang these up to dry. 

"Thank you for helping guys, please try to remember to hand the clothes to mama instead of putting them on the ground! That would be even MORE helpful! Are you hungry? Do you want something to eat?" 

Always. 

"Let's go inside!" 

Make snacks, dump cold cup of coffee and clean up snack making mess. Try to keep one kid from seeing the other got an extra slice of apple...

"Alright, now what was I doing??... Well. Can't remember but I should definitely vacuum today. So I'll get that out of the way." 

Walk into laundry room to get vacuum out of closet, see open washer.. 

"GO GET THE TOWELS, KRISTIN." 

Yes, that's right. Vacuuming can wait. 

Walk towards stairs, see trash bags from earlier, and geniusly place in front of stairs so I can't forget on my way back down.. Get to bedroom and pause..

"Wait.. What was I doing?"

Long pause.

No clue.

Pick up clothes, tidy dresser, make bed. Sit down on edge of bed to send a text message to the hubby.. Get lost on Instagram and/or Facebook... Remember to text hubby and decide it's been too long since hearing the kids outside. 

Walk downstairs, grab trash bags, walk to back porch to put in garbage bins. 

Notice yard is eerily quiet. 

Check out the front of the house, no kids. Check by garage, no kids. Check by sandbox and see neighbor handing kids back through fence... 

"I had some visitors today!" "OH. MY. GAWD. Shirley, thank you so much! How did they get over there?! We have GOT to fix that fence! You guys! You can't leave the yard. EVER!!" 

Give talk to older toddler explaining why it is ALWAYS important to stay in the yard. ALWAYS! For the love of God, kid. ALWAYS. 

Promise self I'm not a terrible mother. Make new rule that kids are not allowed outside without me... Until the fence is fixed, that is. Haul kids inside, thank God they're okay, make mental note to bake neighbor some cupcakes and lock all the doors. 

"Wanna help me vacuum, you two!!?" 

No way, lady. 

"Well, then I'm gonna need you to help pick up the toys so they don't get sucked up, okay?" 

Uh-huh. Noooow they wanna help vacuum.

Chase kids to make mowhawks, get downstairs vacuumed, notice second chair still in dining room.. Make mental note to take it to the living room. 

"Hey you two, be sweet! That's enough fighting. Cut it out!" 

Hear beeping from washing machine.. 

"When on earth did I start that load?! DANGIT! I forgot to add the towels." 

Take vacuum to utility closet, get load out of washer, try to open door.. 

"What the!!?" 

Try again. 

"Oh yeeeeeah. I locked it to keep the kids from escaping.....

Kids, do you want to come outside while I put up some laundry!??" 

Stampede to the backyard. Random whines and cries..

Repeat earlier laundry process.

Debate staying outside to let kids play for a while... Nope. Housework needs to be done and they can play inside.

"Alright, you two! Time to head back inside! Let's go make lunch!!"

Always a good idea to bribe with food. 

Stampede.

Make lunch, clean lunch mess, start dishwasher. Attempt to put toaster away, miss the cabinet and drop toaster on counter spilling 1,000,000* crumbs. Clean up crumbs. Take little one up for nap. Notice the copious amount of toys in both bedrooms.. 

"WHEN did they even have time to do this?! Cleaning this up has to wait until after naptime. I need a break." 

"Okay, sleep tight sweetie. Love you!"

Remember empty bathroom trash bins and head down to get replacement bags.  Walk into dining room to find big kid has emptied every book out of the book spot. 

"Oh wow, bud! What are you doing? Do you want mama to come read some books with you?" 

Always.

"Okay, pick out a couple to read and put away the rest, please! I'm gonna make some coffee so I can relax with you!" 

Yes, mama. 

Boil jug and fill coffee cup while staring at phone. 

"DAD!!!!"

Nic must be home for lunch!

"Hi babe!"

Set coffee down. Kiss hello. 

"What can I make for you? How is your day going?" Random conversations ensue while making hubby's lunch. 

Kiss goodbye, back to work. Clean up lunch mess.

"Okay, what was I doing?.... Book! Coffee!... But where's the big one?!"

"Huuuuudson??!l" 

Wander around looking for big kid. Open door. Ugh. He got out when Nic left.

"Look, Mom!! The chickens gave us eggs!!" 

"That's so great, honey! Did you remember to close the door on the coop??"

Cluck, cluck, cluckitty cluck. 

That would be a no. 

"Okay, bud, take the eggs to the kitchen, please, and then come help get the chickens back in!" 

Cornering, trail of scraps, done. 

 

Back to the books, see the chair that needs put back in living room... Make mental note. Scratch the mental note. Do it now.

"Alright, bud. Mom needs to move this chair before I forget again. I'll be right back!"

Carry chair to living room, turn to head back to book reading/coffee drinking spot... 

"Oh my. The blocks. Again. Huuudson, honey? I need you to come here, please." 

Attempt to get help from toddler picking up 1,000* blocks. Attempt proves futile. Build castles instead. Remember wanting to make cupcakes for neighbor.

"Okay, Hud. Help me clean up so we can go make cupcakes!!" 

Always a good idea to bribe with baking. 

Make cupcakes, clean up cupcake making mess. Find forgotten cup of now cold coffee. Dump down the sink. Cry a little inside. 

"How is it only 1pm?"

Such good helpers, all the time :)

*slight exaggeration.