Over the past couple of months I have truly been in a constant state of panic. A highly unnecessary one. An irrational one. An absolutely need-to-get-it-together-before-I-over-think-myself-crazy one.
"How many calories is that?!"
"Wow, I feel really skinny" (6 minutes later) "Oh my gooooooosh, look at this!" *pinches self*
"What is the fat content of that?"
"I need to stop using salt- sodium makes me retain water weight."
"Should I be on a low-fat diet, a high protein diet or just a low-carb diet?!"
"I've gained 6 OUNCES since last night??!! What happened??!"
Oh. My. Freakin. Goodness. I am surprised Nic hasn't taped my mouth shut by now.
How stupid and vain I must sound.
Where did I go wrong?
What started as an attempt to just get back into healthy habits (ahem.. NOT having cookies and ice cream as my main 2 food groups) and get back in shape (be able to, oh I dunno, ride my bike for more than 10 minutes without wanting to keel over and die) turned into an unhealthy obsession with the number on the scale and how skinny I look when I turn sideways.
I should NOT be comparing myself with the 5'4" girl that weighs 100lbs and probably lives on a diet of Wheat Thins and water. I am 5'8" with child bearing hips (not a bad thing) and a healthy appetite. Oh and also, comparing myself to Nic's ex's won't get me anywhere. They're tiny skinny biotches who don't take care of themselves. Plus he doesn't want them! He's marrying me!! Anyways- The thing is is that I "know" these things.. I just don't exactly KNOW it.. Does that make any sense?
*** Side note: I am NOT saying that all slim girls don't take care of themselves- I'm just using ridiculous example for better emphasis on my current delusional mindset about what I should look like.
Why the obsessive insecurity with myself? This time last year I was so happy with how I looked (I was 20lbs bigger then!) I was beginning to finally grasp that my God has made me perfect in His sight and beauty truly is what radiates from within you. Makeup, a body comparable to Barbie, and trendy clothes are NOT what makes anyone beautiful. Even the most gorgeous, skinny and fashionable women who don't know who they are in the Lord, who seemingly have Rottweilers as their personality coaches, and who have no regard for other human beings actually LOOK worse! There is a noticeable difference! There's no light behind their eyes, no genuine joy- on the inside they are dark, lonely and empty, crying out for a Savior- and that is what shines through! Sure, they look "good" on the outside, and sure, maybe they're even smiling. But take a closer look, look in their eyes- there's nothing but sadness. That breaks my heart.
Oh to be satisfied with who He has made me to be!! What will it take??!
I have a fabulous finace who DAILY tells me that I am beautiful, who DAILY lets me know that I am the only woman he ever cares to be with, who DAILY tells me that I have a perfect body, who compliments me on everything that any other girl would be THRILLED to receive compliments on, who genuinely sees perfection when he looks at me, and who has been nothing but encouraging on my path of slimming down. And yet- all I can ever say to him is, "Yeah right." Or, "You're crazy." My goodness... It must be hard for him to have to hear that. He sees perfection and beauty and all I can see is a less than acceptable version of myself. Gosh, I'm selfish, no? A bit on the self-consumed side? If I spent 1/2 the amount of time thinking about ways to further show Nic how much I love and respect him and ways to help and serve others as I spend staring at the mirror wishing away the extra 5lbs- I believe I would be a much MUCH happier person. And those last few pounds would probably slip away without me even noticing. Or not. And I'd STILL be a happier person.
There is no magical pill, no perfect prayer to pray, no 30 minute work-out to save the day.. I have got to hang on to what I know. What has been written on my heart since the day I was born.
I am beautiful.
My Father delights in me.
I am a daughter of the Most High.
I am His beloved one.
I have a wonderful man that loves me.
What else matters?!
A skinny waist with boobs that are always perky?! No.
Abs of steel and legs that never jiggle? No.
A body so perfect that even the most picky of editors wouldn't have so much as touch with an airbrush? No.
Nothing else matters.
Taking care of myself and not being gluttonous is certainly to be considered "okay"- crazy diets and obsessing over calorie intake is so not okay.
Jogging because I like to and I want to not because I have to is where my head should be at.
What is it goin to take to convince myself that I don't need to look anything other than healthy?
Lord Jesus, I need help.
Hopefully- in the next couple of weeks I can begin to morph into a wonderfully confident woman who is happy in my skin. Who doesn't obsessively weigh herself daily. With the help of my love and my Lord, I believe things will start to change...
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