(no)thing

So there's this episode of Friends where they're all sitting around, as usual, discussing life and one of the guys starts lamenting over the fact that he "doesn't have a "thing," where everyone else had their "thing" in the world that made them unique or was their specialty in life that they we're passionate about. I've actually been debating in my head whether it was Ross or Chandler, because I can imagine it both ways and I think I'm probably mixing one or two or three episodes all together. Either way, I remember enough bits and fragments to have a scene in my head that's been playing over and over the past few weeks where someone shouts, "I don't have a thing!!"... Why? Because I've realized, over the last few years, I've kinda lost myself. I don't really have a "thing" anymore. 

Music used to be my number one "thing" in life, my biggest dream, my passion and pursuit, my be all and end all. You could ask just about anyone, "What does Kristin do?," and they would more than likely respond something to the tune of, "Well, she sings. And plays piano." The whole basis of Nic and my relationship was on that shared interest, music. We played shows together, wrote songs about nonsense, wrote songs about us, made googly eyes across the guitar while singing songs about our love story, fought over lyrics and melodies and timing, lead worship together, dreamt of a life traveling the world playing our songs for all to hear, made plans to never stop... 

And then things changed. Life got in the way. Kids came along. 2 huge moves took place. And here we are, nearly 5 years later without a single instrument in our home. Bits and pieces of old music books are in a pile in the garage, only because we couldn't bear the thought of throwing it all out when we moved to NZ. Somewhere along the way we've lost it, lost heart, lost the passion. 

I was pondering what people would say these days, to that same question, "What does Kristin do?" And to be honest, I've genuinely had trouble coming up with an actual answer beyond "mom stuff." Even I don't exactly know what I do anymore. But that can't be. Surely there must be something I do that means something to me...  Crumb Corraler, Vaccum Queen, Toddler Referee, Diaper Changer, Laundry Attacker, Meal Planner, Snack Supplier.. The list is endless. And yet, none of them feel like "my thing." I don't find any joy or satisfaction from them. They're more so what I have to do rather than what I want to do.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I do love my children and I know that being home with them is a blessing beyond measure, (That I'm sure in the coming years I will look back and be even more thankful for,) but the want for a "thing" is still there. I know that all of this comes with the territory, and should be expected, and is also pretty much unavoidable especially in the first years of your children's lives. I mean, everything is SO hands on. It's truly a 24/7 job that requires total dedication. It costs sleep and sanity and the ability to not pee yourself everytime you sneeze unexpectedly.

I think "losing yourself" to motherhood is somewhat  part of it all.. A part that no one really warns you about. Or maybe they do, but you somehow believe you can be different, that it won't affect you, that you can beat the system. Either way, I am ready. I'm ready to branch out, even just a little. 

As we are nearing Lottie's first birthday, (and she seems to be enjoying sleep all little more these days, *squeee!*)  I can almost feel some of the pressure releasing, I can see somewhere off in the distant horizon a shred of light, some hope for a happier, less overwhelmed me. Maybe I can become a runner again, or play my piano and write music again (somebody, find me a piano!) or start building and making things, or finish my degree!! 

Or maybe that's just my cup of coffee talking. Sigh. 

Mark my words, I WILL have a thing again soon. 

"But now, what do I look for? My hope is in You, Lord." Psalm 39:7