Today.

Today has been a lot of things. 

Easy, unfortunately, has not been one of them. 

It's been a cross between frustration from potty training struggles and toddler rearing, insane sleep deprivation from infant care, and absolute heartache because my babies... They're growing up so fast. It's so cliché but it's becoming more and more real to me with every passing day.

It first struck me when Charlotte woke from her first nap this morning. We had the Businelle boys over for some playtime and I could hear her stirring, so I got the boys all distracted in the living room and I walked into the kid's room to find her laying in her crib giggling and grinning from ear to ear like she'd been excitedly awaiting my arrival. I picked her up and she immediately grabbed my face, and hugged it, slobbering all over.. My heart broke, just a teensy bit. This little girl, this joyful little being isn't a newborn anymore! She's nearly reached her 1/2 year mark and I am still trying to desperately cling to her little bitty baby moments. She's well on her way to mobility, sitting up, gets herself onto all fours, rolls across our living room, and scoots to get to what she wants.. I found myself tearing up as I walked her into our bedroom and stood in front of the mirror with her while she smiled back at herself.

These precious moments are but a blink. And then they're gone. It's unbelievable. It's wonderful. Devastatingly wonderful.

Then the rest of the day happened and I found myself totally and utterly frustrated, and unhappy. It's pathetic how quickly everything can take a turn for the worse. 

I fail, so miserably, every day. And my children get to witness it firsthand. Day in and day out, I get it all so wrong. Every night almost always ends with me vowing that tomorrow, somehow, I'll get it all right. Tomorrow, somehow, will be better. I'll be that perfect mom. I'll be that perfect wife. I'll be perfect. 

I found myself sitting next to Hudson tonight as he struggled to get to sleep, holding his hand, patting his chest, silently just staring at his sweet face. He's  two. Two whole years of this wonderful little man in my life and I still manage to forget to tell him how amazing he is. I went in upset with him, because he didn't nap today and was fighting sleep so heavily tonight I couldn't hardly stand it anymore. I wanted to snap at him, tell him he was being naughty and that he needed to close his eyes and go. to. sleep. But I took one look at his sweet little face, eyes swollen from exhaustion, full of tears, and my heart broke. He's only two. He's just as frustrated as I. Sleep isn't coming easy and it's painful. He needs me. Plain and simple. 

I turned on his little Dino glow light, and sat down next to his bed. Simmering down from my frustrated state to try and help him also calm down. I patted his chest, let out a sigh, and he followed suit. 

We just sat. I stared at him. He stared at the lights on the ceiling.

We have my old iPod hooked up to a little speaker set in their room to play worship music while they sleep, sometimes all day long.. Quite frankly, it's more for my sake than theirs.  But tonight, while I sat in there with him a  song came on that just broke me.. I cried. I couldn't help it. 

{Hide me now

Under your wings

Cover me

Within Your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar

I will soar with You above the storm

Father, You are King over the flood

I will be still, know You are God

Find rest, my soul

In Christ alone

Know His power 

In quietness and trust 

When the oceans rise and thunders roar

I will soar with You above the storm

Father, You are King over the flood

I will be still, know You are God}

Ah, Hillsong, you've done it again. Worded something beautifully and melodically. Something my heart can cling to and sing along to even when my mouth cannot utter a word. Why does it take a worship song to remind me that I can't do it on my own?! How many times am I gonna have to tell myself that before it gets through this thick skull?

Not by MY power or strength or drive. No, beloved, in Christ alone. 

Today has been a tough one. But it is not the whole story. 

Today, I failed. A lot. But it is not who I am.

Today broke my heart. But it is not the end of my story.

Find rest, my soul, in Christ alone.