Where to even begin? Life has been a blur these past few weeks. Some combination of work, gym, driving long distances, and an occasional good night of sleep. Even now, as I am sitting at work eating my lunch, I can't even muster up the energy to WANT to do anything out of my usual. This is so strange to me. I am not this kind of person.
I have not slept in past 7:30am in over a month now. I guess I really am growing up. I get up around 5am, get ready for the day, work all day long, go to the gym for about an hour and a half, go BACK to work to close out the day, go home and make myself dinner. Most nights I'm in bed by 9pm and then it starts all over again. Why? Why do I live like this? My days off recently have only been me out town, living by someone else's schedule. Its nuts. I realized that this, this life I have, is the life that at least 90% of adults live everyday. You know, the very reliable 9-5 job, 2 day weekend, and then BAM It starts all over again. Even in speaking with my "regulars" here at my coffee shop, the ever so common answer to 'How are you doin?' is, 'Pause', 'I'm alright. Can't wait til Friday!' And then of course everyone around nods their head and says, 'Yeah, I understand.' Friday comes followe by a short weekend full of the things we WISH we could have been doing all week long and then it REPEATS. Its like having a CD set to repeat on a song that you hate and, yet, you continue to listen to it. Over, and over, and over again. And you know what? I don't want this life. I pray that God has something different in store for me. I am so peeved at the monotony of it all. I'm too creative, I'm too artistic. And still here I am, punchin' the time clock, working for "The Man."
Oh, to be a Rockstar.
God willing, I will do it. That WILL be my life. I WILL follow my passions. I will follow what God has placed on my heart to do since I was a little girl. Too many people today settle. They settle for something less than what they've always hoped for. I can't tell you how many people have given me "the look" when I tell them that I am currently not in school. That I am "taking a break." Yet the moment I tell them why, the moment I explain that it is so I can go to an even better school, so I can follow MY DREAMS, suddenly their whole demeanor changes. All of a sudden they look at me as the wisest young gal they've ever spoken to. They tell me that they wish they would have done the same thing, followed their passion. I refuse to be that person. I refuse to be looking at some 19 year, 30 years from now saying, "I wish I would have followed my passions." I refuse to settle for a 9-5, sit on my ass all day, whine and complain about how much I hate my life- JOB! I thank God that I only have a few short months of this lifestyle until I can start on this road towards happiness, success, my BRIGHT future.
Not to belittle people who do have this lifestyle- for some, it works! For some it is EXACTLY what they need. Routine, dependable, simple, easy to manage! All good things! Just not for me.
I was at a worship conference a couple years ago. I was leading worship on a team with my oldest brother, Mark. On the last night of the conference we had a man that prophesied over us. (God speaks to someone about someone else, it literally puts such a burden on your heart that you feel as though you cannot do anything else until you tell this other person what it is you are hearing in your heart) I hadn't seen this man again until this past weekend, at yet another worship conference. I had totally forgotten about all of the encouraging words he had spoken to me that night, 4 years ago. He reminded me that I am not supposed to be this "normal" kid. I'm not meant to be some sort of pawn in the normal day to day life. I'm not supposed to have the normal life that most kids have in high school and college. I remember feeling pretty bugged by that, to be quite honest. I was like any othwr high school kid who longed to be "NORMAL", to fit in! Now, I had plenty of friends, and sure I fit in. But now that I have reached the college stage I yearn for everything BUT normal. I hate college. Throwing money at people just so I can sit in class and be miserable SUCKS! The party life that people get sucked into SUCKS! Working half of your life after college just so you pay pay off your loans to get a degree that doesn't matter to you SUCKS! This life is not for me. Now, more than EVER, I feel that what he said to me is entirely true! As I already mentioned, this life is not for me. I long for the day of something more. I long to follow my passion, my hearts desire, and that- that my friend, is to sing.
And God has taken my hand, and will walk me through this. He is allowing this all to happen. And I could not be happier.
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